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I have to stop getting stitches. I'm running out of feasible, hidden locations and believable excuses.
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I didn't do anything major, just a couple shallow scratches. But I still did it.
And I want to go deeper. Deep enough to require stitches. A lot of stitches. But I don't want to have to sit out my water aerobics class, so I can't get stitches, or I won't be able to do water aerobics. I really just want to disappear. Vanish from the planet for a while. I don't know what's going on, I've just ... crashed.
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I don't know that there's very much the gov't can do for me. Its just a process of finding the right services in a place I can get to. Right now, I'm just doing my best to distract and stay busy. My days are really empty. I need to tidy up around the house, but I just don't have the energy to do much of anything. My kitchen counter is piled high with junk. My laundry is overflowing in the hamper, AND in the laundry room. My sink is full of dishes. *sigh* I can't even concentrate long enough to type this reply. I've been typing on it for almost two hours now. I want to get out and *DO* something, but I dunno what I want to do. *sigh*View Thread


My pdoc won't be back in the office until tomorrow (Monday). I'd really like to get in somewhere today.
I dunno if I really want my mom to come over after church today or not. I didn't go to church today because I feel like crap and I don't want to deal with the kids asking me why I have a big bandage on my forearm.

I've been looking into places up to 50 miles away. I really don't know if I can even get to the hospital that far away. But I know I need to get somewhere before I do what I did on Friday again. My body can't take much more abuse.View Thread

I had to call 911. I got stitched up, sent to Psych, and they sent me home. I'm still waiting on a call back to see if there's space at the place I want to go.I don't really have anyone I can trust enough to let them in. I have to tell my mom that I cut myself. She won't fall for the "I fell and hit my arm on something as I fell" jive.
I'm afraid I'm not going to get into the program. I'm afraid I'm not going to get into *any* program. I'm afraid that I'm going to do something really stupid.
The gash on my arm will "hold me over" for a while, but not very long. I'm already thinkin' on doing something else.
I just called both my first and second choices. Neither has a bed. I just tried to call my mom, but she's at a time share presentation, and her phone is off. I found a program at UCSF, but I haven't called because they're kinda far away and I get lost easily. I don't know what I'm going to do.
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I'm waiting until after 5p to call the facility, because there's a woman who works in the admissions office who is a real b****. At least, the way she talks to me is reminiscent of a you-know-what. Until then, I'm taking it one second at a time. There is one other place that's not too bad, but it has two adult units, and one of them has no (unblocked) windows, and there's only a muddy courtyard that's open for an hour a day to "exercise" in. That unit is really gloomy. That hospital is the one my Psych is affiliated with. If I could get a guaranteed room on the better unit, I'd go there. But, since that's not a guarantee, I'm going to try for the other place. I'm not sure I'll be able to hold off another four hours or not. I may just have to deal with the b**** lady.
I'm trying so hard to deal with this ... stuff on my own. Its not working very well, as my thighs can attest to. And I'm still ... envisioning cutting my forearms deeply. Only about 3.5 hours till I can make the call.View Thread

I want to do it, but I don't want to. If that makes any sense to anyone, it doesn't make much sense to me.I would really like to get into PHP. But they won't let me. I'm trying really hard to not go in-patient.
My seminar is on Thursday. Once its over, I will have the "space" to completely fall to pieces. Until then, I have to hold it together. I just have to. (exhales sharply)View Thread

I fear I will be going back to in-patient soon if I can't get a slot in a day treatment program. I'm trying very hard not to do something stupid. Something that could have serious repercussions. (deep breath) I'm trying very hard.
I have an all-day seminar on April 4th that I shelled out a lot of dough for, so I am determined to last until after that seminar. I may call when I get home to see if the hospital has an open slot I can get in to. I don't want to get sent to just any place. Cause some of them are pretty bad. The one I went to over Labor Day weekend was terrible. It has really gone down the tubes. It used to be really good. Not anymore. (deep breath)View Thread
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