Hello, I'm wondering if anyone would be able to help me through this?
I've had undiagnosed anxiety issues as far back as I can remember, depression has recently been added. As of late, it has gotten so bad that I've started to think: "if I fall asleep and don't wake up that would be ok with me" or "if I get into a car accident and die, that would be ok with me." But, lateley I've been having thoughts of self-harm and also harming others. It comes out of the blue. I just start shaking uncontrollably and I can't focus on anything other than the thoughts and the feelings of anger. I have yet to act on these thoughts, but sometimes it is so strong that I have to have others hide objects that I know will do harm.
I was told to try beating up the punching bag to get the feelings to go away, but when I did it, the feelings were even stronger. It graduallly goes away when I force myself to focus on other things, but the fact that I have these thoughts at all are just baffling.
I had a doctor's appointment this morning and just started taking Alprazolam tonight for these thoughts. My doctor made me promise that I wouldn't hurt myself or anyone else and seal it with a hand-shake. I was told to see a psychotherapist as soon as possible and to call 911 if the urge came back strong enough.
I've thought of suicide in the back of my mind, but I've never wanted to act on it before now. This is so NOT me. I've never hurt myself or anyone else before, I can't even kill bugs! These thoughts are scaring me! I feel like I should be sedated or tied down in a hospital, but at the same time, that scares me too!
In the last three months it has been pretty chaotic.
I was on birth control for 3 months straight with a one week break in between, due to severe crippling cramps. That answers the pregnancy question (haha) I'm currently on .25mg of Xanax 3x a day, my OB/GYN suggested to up it to .50mg 3x a day, and I ended up on my grandparent's bathroom floor crying my eyes out. He also prescribed Prozac because the Xanax makes me want to sleep, I fill the Rx but I haven't started it yet. I started cutting my Xanax dose from .25 to .125 after talking to my doctor if I couldn't handle it. I've had a headache for atleast a week straight now. My face will randomly start tingling. My ears hurt, behind my eyes hurt. Now the OB/GYN took me off the pill for a month to see if it'd help... I'm just so out of it and disoriented.
I started a job in April of 2012 and I absolutely hate it. I went to college for Administrative Assisting, and I got stuck in Shipping & Receiving at this place. I'm not even 5 feet tall, I am overweight, but there is NO WAY I should be lifting 85 lb boxes daily!
My parents aren't exactly fighting, but you can tell they aren't getting along. I'm still living at home. My boyfriend and I bicker a lot, but it's gotten better lately. His grandmother passed away on Christmas Eve and I felt terrible for not being able to make the funeral due to this issue! I made it 15 mins before calling hours ended and his father made me feel horrible about showing up so late, but atleast I showed up. I know his parents have some idea as to what is going on, but I don't think they know the situation in it's entireity. My grandmother was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, her husband passed away in 2004 of cancer. She started treatment. However,she'd been blacking out a lot and now they think she has a tumor in her brain. She had a seizure last night and now isn't talking. Needless to say treatment has been stopped.
I've dealt with loss before, but I guess I never realized that going through it again would affect me so much?
My doctor said at my last visit that I should start reading the Bible- a chapter a night and a psalm a day to live by that day. I was baptised and confirmed for my mother's sake, not my own. I'm not sure what I believe. My father says not to shut God out completely, but my mind says if there was a God, I wouldn't be struggling with this issue.
The Xanax is helping witht he breathing issues. I soaked in a hot bath the other night and was very relaxed. However, I still sometimes get the urge to just hostile on everything. Maybe it's the frustration of the anxiety and depression building up? I just know I need to talk to someone who specialized in this type of thing before I return to work. I don't want to weilding a box cutter if I feel like that!
Thank you for reposting the shower technique, I will definitely try that if the urge becomes strong enough to act upon.
Thanks Kate_Te, I'm still trying to get a hold of the therapist my doctor recommended. We have been playing phone tag. In the mean time, my doctor has okay a second week relief from work until I see someone.View Thread