The days have been all messed up, I can't drive when I'm depressed because the red signal lights and red car lights make me want to total the car. In two weeks I'm supposed to make amends with my dad for him hurting me when I was 14 years old and tell him how it has effected my life and my relationship with my husband, I don't know if I can, I still feel I need to progress more in my treatment before I can do that. I am proud to say as of right now it has been 4 weeks since my last sh episode. I got off the pain meds and got back on my depression and sleep meds, the pain meds were causing problems, I thought if I took them I didn't have to feel depressed or have emotions about anything, Boy was I wrong. Although I'm still in my dark hole and I'm fighting with myself each day not to pick up that next pain pill just because I think I need it. things will ok soon.View Thread
Been away for a few weeks, Things have been hay wire around the house. between the kids and there sperm donor. I have been stressed out and had a recent medicine change. So I have three more things I have to remember during the day.
The one thing on my list is to take a vacation. leave the kids with their sperm donor and grandparents, That's just a dream, Really I would take a candle lit bubble bath and lock the bathroom door with a do not disturb sign on it.View Thread
I not ashamed of my scares anymore, during any season, although I still S I a bit, I'm learning it's no who I any, And I also remember getting a book a year ago that helped me explained It to my kids, It was an awesome book, from someone awesome on this board. I glad I found this board, it has been a lot of help. and good advice with no one judging you.View Thread
CAUTION MAY TRIGGER SOME CAUTION -----------------------------------
Well my children's sperm donor lost his job yesterday, that mean's more stress on me. Today I had my domestic therapy apt. and had a break down in the office, I had been having strong uncontrollable urges all afternoon, I felt so ashamed. of course she had to ask if I was S. then after that I had my survivors support group, that went ok. My t made me sit while she had another talk with me. I handed her my tool of choice. she made me promise i would call her tomarrow, She kept asking me about the hospital, I don't want to go, I want to work on the things I need to outside the hospital, It would be better for my kids, I think. Sometimes I feel like I have to apologize to people around me including my 2 t's for how I feel or If I show any sign's of distress when I'm with them. Am I wrong about not wanting to be put back into the hospital? I'm trapped I don't know how to feel or what to do. Help.... View Thread
To sittingbull594, I don't have a place that I do my addictive behavior, It's been in the car, home, public restroom ect. When I first started I used a certain tool but as the years have gone by what I use doesn't matter as long as I can feed the urges when they come about, I'm still a babe in all this, I'm fighting my addiction and still trying to find ways to control it that work. positive coping skills aren't the first thing I think about running to when the urge is to strong, HOW DO I LEARN TO ALWAYS PUT THE COPING SKILLS FIRST ABOVE WANTING TO SATISFY THE VERY STRONG URGES? I'm ready for them to stop but I can't always do it. Iv'e been told it's my choice to stop but I don't think I have enough faith in me, that I can stop. I'm wanting to act on my urge right now, to the point if my kids would fall asleep i could put the need to do it, to do it to rest. HELP advice neededView Thread
CAUTION MAY TRIGGER---------------------CAUTION MAY TRIGGER Has anyone dealt with the following?
It was cold today but that didn't stop me having to make a choice between staying in therapy and staying on my med's or continuing taking pain pills and drinking while on my med's. But I knew it had to be a choice that I had to make for me, Why wasn't my normal S-I behavior ( cut) good enough, Why did it get to the point I had to choose? Playing with fire I know I'm not going to win.
Is this normal to change up behaviors without reason? I'm afraid of this new behavior, Iv'e made a choice to continue with therapy and med's, I hope I don't let myself down. Any suggestions on how remain positive during this bad time? View Thread
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I have Major deppressive disorder, Border line Personality Disorder and I was ok with that. What brought me down was when I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I thought my life was over because I now had 3 disorders. But my T gave me some words of wisdom, she said that "Yes you have those disorders but they do not define who you are." So today it's ok that I have one more disorder in my lifeThere's more to me than them as a whole person. So remember BPD is what you have not who you are.View Thread