I'm sorry to hear about the sexual and marital issues that you and your wife are having. It may help to take a step back and consider that although you feel this is about anal sex, she may not. There may be a number of reasons that she doesn't have anal sex, even though she enjoyed it at one time with a former partner. Her body image may be different all these years later and she may not feel positive about her butt in a sexual way (I've heard this from many women). Or she may have tried it in a drunked or highly aroused capacity, but perhaps doesn't feel she would normally be into it. She may feel it's wrong in some way, and chalk it up to just something that she did once or twice with a former partner.
Your obsessing over this, as you said, isn't helping. Sometimes we all, as humans, can get stuck with our mental thoughts that make us feel worse and worse about someone else, or about ourselves. Lines like "I'm good enough to do the dishes but not for anal" suggest to me that you're beating yourself up over this, and also building resentment, through your train of thoughts.
I would highly recommend meeting with a marriage counselor or sex therapist about this issue - you can find one at apa.org or sstarnet.org. Recently I wrote a guide to anal pleasuring (including anal sex, but also related to fingering and sex toys, etc) that you can find for download on Amazon or GoodinBed.com - it's called the Good in Bed Guide to Anal Pleasuring. I mention this because there are significant sections of this guide that deal with reasons why people do, or don't, want to engage in anal play; ways to communicate with a partner about it; and if and only if both partners are into it, how to get into it slowly and pleasurably, which can mean starting with fingering or anal rimming rather than penile-anal sex.
It can take years to learn to experience orgasm and the important thing is to focus on pleasure and not just whether or not one has an orgasm. BUT if you would like to learn to try to have an orgasm, check out Becoming Orgasmic or my book, Because It Feels Good. Both are full of science-backed tips you won't find in magazines.
I agree that you should ask your healthcare provider what you were tested for during pregnancy and in the past couple of years, perhaps. Many but not all women are tested for HPV. Also, many but not all women are tested for herpes (especially when pregnant as genital warts and genital herpes can impact decisions about delivery). If you feel more comfortable using condoms during sex with your boyfriend, that may be a good idea. Also, I would recommend that you both get tested for HIV. If he had chlamydia or gonorrhea you would likely have those too as those are easily passed from one person to another during sex, and if you haven't been tested for them in a while, you might consider asking for such a test. You might also consider more regular STI testing for a while if you are not confident about trusting him.View Thread
Dr. Luster makes excellent points about this being a condition that can happen to a person whether or not they engage in anal sex. Unfortunately, anal sex (and sex in general) are often clouded with stigma and embarrassment, which can get in the way of people seeking helpful information about their health. Recently, I published one of the few expert-written guides to anal pleasure and anal sex - for more on this topic, you can download the e-book from Amazon. It's called the Good in Bed Guide to Anal Pleasuring.
Best of luck and great question. I hope you soon feel confident about engaging in a pleasurable sex life in whatever way best suits you and your well-being.View Thread
More often, the ejaculatory changes that men notice in their 40s or 50s tend to have to do with lower semen volume and less "distance" with ejaculation. It's also common to notice more difficulties with erections, including feeling erect/aroused enough to experience orgasm. You might try using the "towel trick" (dabbing your/his genitals during a break from intercourse to decrease lubrication/enhance friction with can enhance sensation) - more on this in my book, Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.
I'd also recommend that he check in with his healthcare provider as sometimes erectile issues/penis sensitivity can be an early warning sign of diabetes or other medical conditions that affect nerve sensation. Better to be safe than sorry with a health check-up! Good for you two for being aware of, and communicating about, your sexual relationship.View Thread
It's good of you to seek information to help your girlfriend and, by extension, your relationship. Sensitive skin is one thing; genital pain is another. Even though your girlfriend's grandmother may have sensitive skin, that's no excuse for genital pain. I would encourage your girlfriend to check in with a healthcare provider to make sure that everything is all right. Some women experience chronic genital pain that interferes with their ability to have sex. You two can learn more at nva.org (a patient advocacy group related to genital pain). She can also get a referral for a doctor who has expertise in vulvar and vaginal pain issues through NVA.org and ISSVD.org.
Finally, the book "When Sex Hurts" by Dr. Andrew Goldstein and colleagues is something you may find of use.
I would encourage you to consider meeting with a sex therapist. I don't think there is anything "wrong" with you by any means - that's not what I am suggesting. However, you might find it helpful to share your feelings with someone you can trust and who is knowledgeable about sexual orientation. You might find it helpful to explore more about what you identify as heterosexual even though your sexual behavior and fantasies are largely about people of your same-sex. If you think you might be gay, you might also find it helpful to connect with Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (pflag.org) for more information about sexual orientation and connecting with others in a confidential way as you sort this out.
Being gay is more culturally accepted than it was when you were a teenager and you may find that, if you do feel you are gay, that you can come out and find the community - and partner(s) - that you perhaps earlier in life didn't realize was possible.View Thread
During orgasm, several muscle groups contract, including muscles around the anus and rectum, so that may be why you feel the anal sensations. There are also some shared nerve pathways in these areas, which you can read more about in The Science of Orgasm, if interested.View Thread
The anus/rectum and vagina are separated by tissue. Thus, anal intercourse does not cause vaginal bleeding. Perhaps you were beginning your period? Or you mistakenly thought the blood was coming from the vagina even though it was coming from the anus?
If you are certain that his penis stayed only in your anus/rectum and not inside your vagina, then you cannot get pregnant from that. However, I would encourage you to make sure that you are familiar enough with your body that you would be able to feel the difference.
Some young women mistakenly believe that if they have sex "from behind" (doggie style), that that is anal sex. However, anal sex involve penetration of the penis into the anus, which often is uncomfortable or painful (especially for beginners).
If you are certain that you only had anal sex, and that he did not ejaculate near your vagina or vaginal entrance, then you would not be able to become pregnant.
I would encourage you to become more familiar with your body, to insist that he use a condom for anal sex, and to use lubricant for anal sex - or to avoid sexual activity with him until you feel more comfortable and confident with the experience.View Thread
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