Survivors of sexual assault and abuse frequently have a natural aversion to sex afterwards. Some can overcome it through therapy and/or the love and support of friends and family, some find their own way back to what you'd consider a 'normal' interest in sex, while others take it to extremes of either hyper sexuality or basically chastity.
That's without even taking into account a variety of physical, chemical, and physiological issues that can legitmately negatively impact someone's sex drive on their own. Therapy and medication can help if someone's interested; but I'd put more emphasis on finding a partner who's baseline sex drive is similar to your own, rather than trying to mold someone with a different drive into the level or frequency of intimacy that you deem normal.
I despised even the idea of sex and physical intimacy of any kind (especially with men) until I was 22. I'd grown up with a long history of physical and sexual abuse, and just the thought of voluntarily participating in the acts my attackers tried to force on me was enough to make me physically ill. Having a guy touch me (even if it was just a hug), made me itch to scour myself with lysol. Definitely damaged...but that was my reality & my normal reaction at the time.
Then I met my ex-fiance. He fell in love with me, and I loved him as a friend--he was the first guy who could hug me without me feeling unclean or wanting to attack him. We decided to see if having a romance would work out, and started dating. It took months before I felt anything approaching desire, and that occurred right around the time I began falling 'in love' with him, instead of just loving my best friend.
We took things at what most people would probably consider a glacial pace, but it worked for us. In the beginning, we did a lot of massage and necking, and once that started feeling good for me, we moved on to accommodation other than intercourse. He made me happy, and he made me feel good, but he didn't want to go any further until he knew I felt the same way he did when we were in each other's arms. He didn't pressure me to go all the way, and I got to decide when we'd have our first time. There was accomdating on both sides at the beginning of our relationship. I genuinely loved making him happy, and giving him some satisfaction even if it wasn't something that I could understand or relate to myself, and he was willing to go as slowly as I needed so that I could catch up and see what all the fuss was about when it came to desire. Because of that, our first time was absolutely amazing.
We had a great relationship in and out of bed for several years before things ended. It turns out I have a high drive, actually a bit higher than my ex's, and I will always be grateful that he taught me that part of me wasn't broken. I was afraid my past had ruined me for intimacy; thanks to his patience, I know that's not true. So, while he broke my heart, I walked away whole. I know now that I'm an extremely sensual woman who's more than capable of being someone's partner in life and love, in and out of the bedroom, and that is a gift I will always be thankful for.View Thread
Unfortunately...there's not a way to compromise and allow either of you to swing in a manner that will let you be happy given the way you feel. What you might consider doing is watching adult films together, bringing toys/roleplay into the bedroom, or going to a swingers meeting to watch the other couples--but make a firm agreement before hand that watching is ALL you'll be doing with other people; keep sex between the two of you.
If all he wants is to try something a little more adventurous, a few movies, toys, and a some voyeurism with willing participants could come in handy. If he's truly not interested in monogamy anymore, but you are...that's when decisions need to be made. Being a 'sexual person' is no excuse to try pressuring your partner into swinging--or anything else they don't want to do. If he just mentioned this in passing, let him know your feelings on the subject (you don't want to), and let the matter drop. If you think you'd enjoy/be interested in trying out the compromises I mentioned above, feel free to tell him that--but make it very clear where you draw the line and stick to it.
Compromise and communication are definitely key to any relationship...but at the same time, there's no point in having a relationship with someone if you'll be forced to compromise who you are; and what you know you need to be happy. Monogamy isn't for everyone---neither is swinging. It sounds like you already know which side of the issue you fall on. DO NOT DO THIS if the only reason you'd consider it is to make him happy.View Thread
I apologize...it appears I misunderstood some of your earlier posts. It looks as though instead of just finding the idea of physical intimacy with another human being repellent, you also might also have a mental block about allowing emotional intimacy as well--and you WANT to change that.
I still believe there is nothing wrong with you--and please stop comparing yourself to 'most other women'. You're you, and accepting yourself for who you are will help you with deciding who you want to be. You're unique, you're special, and you're capable of feeling and needing love just like anyone else...it just may take a slightly different form or approach than what you see as 'normal'. I'd recommend letting your therapist know about the thoughts you've been having, as well as your desire to change--especially when it comes to emotional intimacy/ the desire to let someone into your life and get to know them/care about them in a way that doesn't have to be physically sexual.
I wish you nothing but the best of luck
PS: If it helps...I used to feel very much like you. My issues basically centered on a lack of trust--once I found someone I believed was worthy of it, the rest took care of itself.View Thread
I don't think there's anything wrong with you--you may not fit the middle of the road definition of 'normal' when it comes to what you need for satisfaction, but it doesn't mean there's something wrong--just something different.
Everyone is unique, and the 'treatments and stuff' are for people who are looking to change their needs--either because they've begun expressing it in ways that are unhealthy, want to broaden their interests, or changing their sexual habits fits in with a grander scheme for changing their lifestyle. You are not 'supposed to' have to do them if you are content with the way you are, and are not harming yourself or others, and there's no reason for why you should force yourself to do something you're not interested in.
I think your best option would be honesty with any potential dates about where your interest lies--alternative sexuality may make it a bit more challenging to find a match, but there truly are people out there who enjoy watching every bit as much as you do, as well as those who enjoy being watched. I wish you the best of luck, and please stay true to yourself. It sounds like you have a fairly good idea of what you want, as well as what you don't--don't lose sight of that, or you'll only wind up hurting yourself and your partner if you settle for less than what you need to be happy.View Thread
PlainJaneGirl, you might be a voyeur. If you gain sexual satisfaction from watching others in the act, but have no desire to participate or be touched yourself...chances are you've simply developed a fetish where that visual stimulation is all you want/need. Provided you stick with porn and/or willing participants (there are people who enjoy being watched every bit as much as you enjoy watching), it sounds like you'll have a very fulfilling sex life, even if you choose to give partnered sex a pass.View Thread
As another bisexual individual, I have to agree with the other posters--the fact that he was honest about his sexuality has absolutely no bearing on whether he can be faithful. He's not 'afraid to commit to being gay'--because he isn't. He's bisexual, and he's committed to you. If he's given you no reason to distrust him, stop feeling insecure or concerned--out of everyone else on the planet, he wants to be with you.View Thread
When's the last time you made the bed shake together? Did the amount of sex you had with your boyfriend decrease about a year ago? The reason I ask, is the cause of this could be something as simple as your body unconsciously seeking sexual satisfaction. Satisfaction that apparently your partner is more content to whine and complain about than actually do anything to help with.
Frankly, I'd be grumpy and mad about his reaction. You don't have a 'problem'--you've been having recurring experiences what's commonly known as 'wet dreams'--and it's normal. While I can see that it might make sleeping soundly together challenging, it's not something that entitles him to treat your desire or behavior with distaste--or to imply that you, personally, have a problem. Some compromise might be needed so that you both get a good night's sleep--but don't let him make you think there's something wrong with you.View Thread
You still have plenty of life left to live...wouldn't you prefer to live it happily? And give him the freedom to do the same? From the sound of things, you both simply have different needs when it comes to feeling loved and accepted by your spouse. There's nothing wrong with that.
You also wouldn't be 'starting over'--the past 16 years have taught you a lot about who you are as a person, what you need and want in a relationship--and also what you don't. That's a very valuable insight.
The next step is something only you can decide, but I wish you and your husband the best, no matter which path you take.View Thread
Did your husband marry you knowing that you'd prefer to never have sex? Knowing how you've felt about in it the past, and what's happened in the past, is different than understanding the full impact of how you feel about it now--or at least, how you felt about it before you tied the knot. If you told him sex wouldn't be part of the agreement, that's one thing--but if you didn't tell him, he had every right to assume your marriage would include a physical relationship.
You don't want to explore avenues or therapy that might help make sex enjoyable or pleasant for you. It sounds as though you've fully accepted you're asexual--but your husband has not. I'd highly recommend therapy and/or counseling to help you come to grips with the trauma of your past...but it may be time to consider letting your husband go. You both sound locked in a downward spiral, and divorce might be a way to free you both from it.
Just so you know; I grew up with extensive physical abuse and sexual abuse--and my intial opinion of intimacy was the same as yours. Just being touched by a guy was enough to make me feel like I needed to scrub myself with lysol. Then I met my ex-fiance--he loved me, and I grew to love him. For his sake, I was willing to honestly try. I knew there was more to intimacy than what my attackers had taught me, I believed that it could feel good with someone I truly cared about...and while it didn't happen overnight, my feelings towards intimacy changed. I went from being repulsed by sex to loving making love. So while things didn't work out between us, I'll always be grateful to him for that; I'd been worried my past had wrecked that for me forever.
In my case, I never accepted that I was asexual--I always believed there was more out there, I just hadn't experienced it and I was afraid that my past would leave me unable to respond. I met someone who I trusted enough, and loved enough, to explain the situation to. With love and patience, we discovered that I could enjoy intimacy after all.
In your case, you might be truly asexual. Regardless, you have no desire to change how you feel about sex/making love, which means that you won't. I am truly, profoundly sorry for everything you experienced while younger--but please ask yourself why do you submit to something you despise to keep your husband from leaving...when you know it means you'll have to do it again and again and again? It's only breeding resentment in him and in you--him for having a wife who consistently turns a cold shoulder, and you for having a husband who can't seem to accept you for what you are: a woman who'd prefer to live entirely without sex. Given that neither of you have a mindset that will allow you to compromise on this, an amicable divorce might be something to consider.
Women and men can be asexual, and you might have an easier time if your partner in life shared your perspective on this very important aspect.View Thread
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