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Reply: 21 YEARS OLD

You might have to accept that you have finished growing. Despite what you might think,...

Posted by BalconyBelle

4 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:21 YEARS OLD You might have to accept that you have finished growing. Despite what you might think,...

Reply: Early 20s in a 7 year relationship... needs help

There's a very good chance that this is just cold feet...however since BOTH of you are...

Posted by BalconyBelle

There's a very good chance that this is just cold feet...however since BOTH of you are experiencing it, some time apart may actually strengthen your relationship.

I've never been with anyone but my fiance, and for several years he was terrifed that someday I'd change my mind--that I'd want to pursue the grass is greener on the other side approach. It hasn't happened and never will...but it didn't change the way he felt. He'd had other partners and relationships before me...but since I haven't, he was afraid that I was just deeply infatuated, not in love, and not able to tell the difference...and someday, it would wear off (That's exactly what happened in a previous relationship HE had). It took a while, but he finally gets that I'm in for the long haul. I found the one for me, and I have no intention of looking elsewhere.

In your case, it sounds as though both you and your fiance are afraid you've been a little too lucky. Very few people can find their soulmate right off the bat, so you're not entirely sure that you have.

Take a break to get to know yourselves as individuals, not just as a couple. If both of you think it's a good idea, agree to see other people (not neccessarily sleep with other peple) on the off chance you'll find 'true' love with someone else. My guess is you already have, but there's no point in getting married if you're not sure of it yourselves. Seeing other people can be a slippery slope...but if you do it might make you appeciate what you have even more--because then you'll be able to see how right for each other you truly are.

You'll need to set the rules for the separation & duration together, then abide by them...and if at the end of it you decide you want to be together, you'll be confident in your choice. You won't have to wonder if you're with the right person, you'll know. If you decide you're better off apart...at least you'll have figured it out before going through the pain of divorce. I wish you both the best of luck.View Thread

Posted byBalconyBelle

5 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Early 20s in a 7 year relationship... needs help There's a very good chance that this is just cold feet...however since BOTH of you are...

Reply: Prolonged Pain - Please Help!

I have a fiance who can only use Magnum XL condoms, and like you, I'm very tight. Here...

Posted by BalconyBelle

I have a fiance who can only use Magnum XL condoms, and like you, I'm very tight. Here are a few tips that might help you enjoy your sex life more.

If sex is hurting, STOP. Give your body a break, have him ease off, then go for shallower & slower penetration (perhaps even add some additional lube) to help make things easier. Don't speed up or go deep again until you are actually enjoying yourself (aka: no pain)
More foreplay & more lube for you. Definitely have him pay some attention to you with oral and manual stimulation (preferrably with one orgasm in the bag) before he tries to insert his penis. The wetter you are, the better he'll feel--so feel free to add in some store bought lube as well.
Vaginal sex needs to start off slowly, to allow your body time to adjust. Once you're stretched and warmed up, then things can speed up---but going to fast at the beginning may be causing some of your pain.
Experiment with different angles. Until you know what your body can and can't handle, stay away from positions noted for allowing deep penetration. Some of your discomfort may be from him hitting your cervix...positions that are shallower may prevent that from happening.

Given both of your unique physical characteristics, you CANNOT skimp on foreplay. You'll need lots of it. It is vitally important not only to insure that you enjoy sex, but also to cut down on the risk that you will actually be harmed by indulging. Lots of foreplay, lots of lube, and start off slow and steady before going wild.

If none of the above measures work, see your doctor immeadiately to eliminate any other possible causes for your adominal pain. And you might want to Google UTI (urinary tract infection), and see if the symptoms sound familiar with regards to loss of bladder control. It is not an STD, they're generally relatively harmless and easy to fix, and your doc may may have some suggestions for how to cut down on your risk of getting one (starting with going to the bathroom immeadiately after sex). I hope this helps!View Thread

Posted byBalconyBelle

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Prolonged Pain - Please Help! I have a fiance who can only use Magnum XL condoms, and like you, I'm very tight. Here...

Reply: Sex after being sex. abused younger

My deepest sympathies for what you've gone through. I've also endured being molested...

Posted by BalconyBelle

My deepest sympathies for what you've gone through. I've also endured being molested both as a child and a young adult...and I can tell you that not liking to be touched, and/or not liking physical intimacy is a very common side effect for those who've been abused.

I can also tell you that there are ways to help overcome that. Counseling comes immeaditately to mind. Try the crisis assistance links on the left side of the page if you'd like to talk to someone immeadiately, and for more long-term benefits, you could look into counseling in your area, and/or also try your church if you attend. In my case, I used counseling, talking with frineds and family, and talking with my fiance. It took a while (and lots of cuddling) to get me over my hang ups, but I can now proudly say I adore my guy's touch, and we rock each other's world when we're together.

One of the best things you can do for yourself though, is realize that what has happened to you is NOT who you are. It is NOT your identity. The sheer fact that you survived is proof that you are stronger than your past, that there's more to you than being a victim. Your are a survivor. You are a wife. You are a mother. You are yourself. You are NOT what some scumbag(s) did to you---you are so much more.

You triumphed over something that would have broken many other women, and you did it even though these horrors began when you were a child. You are anything but dirty. You are a iracle. Everytime you look in the mirror, I want you to see what you truly are: Amazing, courageous, strong, unique, with the type of character that survived the worst that life could offer and still went on to truly live. You are WONDERFUL.

I really do believe counseling can help you to overcome the last hurdle, and if you're open to it, including your husband in some of the sessions can help him to better understand where you're coming from, and also enable him to help you more as you begin to open up into the person that you truly are.

The past can hurt us, test us, and shape us, but it does NOT define us. Only we have the power to do that. You are strong enough to be whoever and whatever you want to be--and that person is not dirty. You're amazing.

PS: Whenever you feel the desire to get clean, you could try dragging your husband into the shower or bath with you for a little wet and wild time. My fiance & I have decided it's our favorite room in the house

View Thread

Posted byBalconyBelle

1 Reply | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Sex after being sex. abused younger My deepest sympathies for what you've gone through. I've also endured being molested...

Reply: I am 31 and have never ever even dated

I'm not sure what your shrinks have told you, so my apologies if everything I say is...

Posted by BalconyBelle

I'm not sure what your shrinks have told you, so my apologies if everything I say is something you've heard before.

You can't 'make' someone like you/want to hang out with you, it's up to them to decide.
Lots of women respond to confidence & a sense of humor...being sucidally depressed is automatically a turn-off.
Think about your interests, what you're good at, and where you feel comfortable. Look for social avenues that will allow you to expess it. Not only will you be putting your best foot forward--you'll be meeting people with whom you already have common ground.
Try to think positive, and be positive when talking to other people. If you meet someone, but you're complaining, insulting, or otherwise only expressing negativity, people will draw away from you.
Sometimes, married/engaged people like nothing better than to try matchmaking for their pals. See if your friends know anyone they think you'd like and vice versa, and if they'd be willing to introduce you.
If you attend church, they generally have singles groups were you can meet women who share at least one of your beliefs.
If you go to bars or nightclubs, you'll get to meet women as well.
RELAX. Plenty of people I know got their starts rather awkwardly, so don't assume you've blown it right out of the gate if you accidentaly act a little foolish. Just shrug it off, recover, and keep going.
Women are not intimdiating or terrifying (unless armed with whips & chains )

We're really not that scary, and we're not that hard to find. Congrats on deciding to pursue freindship & just meeting the opposite sex first. You can never have too many friends, and if you get to the point where you're at ease with gal pals, it will make it that much easier to be at ease when looking for & interacting with women you'd like to have a romantic relationship with.

Remember--pratice makes perfect, even when it comes to hanging out with other people. The more at ease you are with them, the more at ease they'll be with you. I hope this helps

View Thread

Posted byBalconyBelle

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:I am 31 and have never ever even dated I'm not sure what your shrinks have told you, so my apologies if everything I say is...

Reply: Boyfriend Comes with Baggage

First, do you see any potential problems with this statement? ..If we stay together...

Posted by BalconyBelle

First, do you see any potential problems with this statement?

..If we stay together AFTER college and things are long-term for a few YEARS (I am imagining he will be living at home because SHE doesn't like the idea of him moving away)...

Do you really want to be stuck with an overbearing & controlling woman who will continue to dominate every aspect of YOUR relationship that she possibly can for years?!?! Even after he graduates college & presumably gets a job & can support himself?

If so....please think again.

Hard.

I'm in very much the same position with my fiance--we've been together for nearly 6 years...and his mom has NEVER changed. In fact, she's gotten worse. The only reason I've stuck around this long is because BOTH my fiance and I agree that he needs to move out once he's done with school and has a job. (He'll be moving out in August, by the way).

The amount of stress an overbearing & controlling mom has on a relationship cannot be overestimated--and the effects are compounded even more when one of the parties is unable to get distance because they still live at home.

As parents, I feel one of the main responsibilties is to raise a child to become an independent adult...this woman is determined to keep him an eternal child--and YOU'RE prepared to allow it.

For his own sake, he needs to move out as soon as he's able. He will never get a chance to grow up if he's contantly having to kowtow to mommy. He will always be her little boy, and not a man in his own right. She will never respect him as an adult if he's content to be treated as a kid. Even though the transition will probably strain their relationship, moving out & establishing your independence as an adult is a period of adjustment that EVERY parent and child in a healthy relationship have to go through.

For the sake of your relationship, he needs to move out, because she will never stop infering to the extent that she is as long as he's under her roof. She will never let up, she will never quit, and the best thing you can possibly do is limit the amount of control that she has over her ADULT son's actions--the most important and vital step will be having him move out.

Talk with him, and see what his plans are for after graduation...he might already be thinking of getting his own place.

If he is, that's most of the battle already. He has to WANT his independence, you can't push him into it...and if he doesn't want to get a little space from mommy, please think very carefully over whether or not you're willing to live your life playing second fiddle to his mom--with YOU cast in the role as the other woman.

Try not to think of it as a confrontation. This is just a discussion over what your plans are...both individually and as a couple. Talk with each other, and listen to what both of you have to say. For the sake of establishing his own identity as an adult & achieving indepenence, moving out will help, and for the betterment of your relationship, having his own place where his mom doesn't dictate your relationship can help, too. It's all about setting healthy boundaries that you both can live with, and it's not impossible.

Best of luck to both of you!View Thread

Posted byBalconyBelle

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Boyfriend Comes with Baggage First, do you see any potential problems with this statement? ..If we stay together...

Reply: Need advice...long post but would appreciate help

If you decide to leave him, if I were you I'd emphasize how it's not because of his...

Posted by BalconyBelle

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Need advice...long post but would appreciate help If you decide to leave him, if I were you I'd emphasize how it's not because of his...

Reply: How do you feel about PDA

I will draw the line at blatant exhibitionism...but I'm fine with PG (and discreet...

Posted by BalconyBelle

13 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:How do you feel about PDA I will draw the line at blatant exhibitionism...but I'm fine with PG (and discreet...

Reply: How much info should I give?

There are a couple of things I'd like clarification on. Who are the people who are...

Posted by BalconyBelle

There are a couple of things I'd like clarification on.

Who are the people who are telling you to let him go? Why are they saying that, and what do they mean? If you trust their judgement normally, it's possible they're seeing something that you're not...or it could be that they're advocating nothing more than some breathing space so that neither of you feels smothered or overwhelmed--or rushes into a new relationship blindly.
How recent is 'recently'? If you don't actually have a relationship right now, it might be a bit awkward to bring past baggage into the picture without a foundation to support the weight.

If this association is brand new, asking things like "where is our relationship going?" can be off-putting to both men and women alike. My fiance fell fast and hard for me...it took significantly longer for me to return the emotion. Despite that (or possibly because of it), he didn't press me with those types of questions, & I didn't feel pushed or rushed, which allowed our relationship to progress at a speed I was comfortable with. If he had, he would have lost me--because I wouldn't have liked feeling pressured to commit to something before I was sure. Your guy's silence on the issue is a warning to back off--please listen to it.

On the other hand--asking if you're officially 'together' in terms of dating shouldn't be an issue, and if sex is involved, getting a straight anwser on whether or not you're monogamous is imperative.

Lately, you've admitted that you've been acting snippy & a little crazy--his unwillingness to have a full conversation could simply be a result of him not wanting to be verbally attacked again. I understand that you've been trying to apologize for your actions, but he's apparently still gotten the 3rd degree despite not actually doing anything wrong...apologizing for it later won't change that fact.

Your insecurities are exactly that: YOURS. Some individual counseling could help you handle them, as well as working on your self-esteem & anxiety. As hard as it will be, you owe it to yourself and your guy to try to see him as he actually is--and not through the warped glass your past has left you with. It will be difficult, but if you can't bring yourself to see him & you for who you are--rather than superimposing past wrongs and mistakes--this relationship is doomed from the start.

If you do decide to bring it up, make sure that you're both calm, relaxed, and willing to listen. It's terrible that your past has wounded you to this degree, but at the same time, your actions now are hurting him. He's being punished for something he didn't do, for something someone else did before he ever came into your life. It's not fair to either of you--so try your best to breathe, relax, calm down, and not feel so burdened & influenced by what's happened before. Getting angry and crazy (or overly anxious) is only going to hurt both of you. The fresh start this guy seems to represent to you won't matter if you persist in acting as though you're living in the past.View Thread

Posted byBalconyBelle

1 Reply | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:How much info should I give? There are a couple of things I'd like clarification on. Who are the people who are...

Reply: How far would you let it go? How far would you ta...

I think it's wonderful you're so devoted to your wife, and I think it's great that...

Posted by BalconyBelle

11 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:How far would you let it go? How far would you take it? I think it's wonderful you're so devoted to your wife, and I think it's great that...

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