I am too much confused and so tired because of lack of support from anyone. Please help me discover my identity.
I am 20 years old male.As a child, I grew up normal like a boy playing with boys toys(trucks and guns).
When I reach my puberty at 13, I felt nice and sexually aroused when I touch female clothes. I secretly used to try on my sister's clothes. Once I was caught doing this and my parents didn't take this seriously. But I didn't stop after that and took more precautions when I was 'experimenting' and was never caught after that, even till today.
This continued for few years after which I got separated and started living in dormitory away from my parents, which resulted in putting an end to the above mentioned acts. Then, fantasies started to take over. My greatest fantasy is getting forcibly dressed up as girl by my mother or cousin, chaining me to something and take control over me, completely. This has nothing to do with sex.
Later on,by the time I was 18, just the idea of restraining someone and taking control over them(without any act of sex or cross-dressing involved) became enough to get me aroused, although cross-dressing still gets me aroused.
I took the help of internet to explore myself and I found that neither male body nor the female body can get me aroused. I never had a sex fantasy and the regular pornographic material had been so useless. A girl wearing voluminous dress or a girl tied/chained to something or a guy dressed as a girl or combinations of these are pornography for me.
So, I'm not straight, not bi and not even gay. This is very confusing to me, since I didn't find or meet anyone who is like me and felt alone. I can't enjoy anyone's company because the regular interests of people get me bored.
It is the thought of future that sometimes gets me depressed as I am from a very conservative society, where anything away from normal is considered as a path to hell.
Please help me in identifying my sexual orientation and tell me whether this can be set back to normal and how. I can't consult a psychotherapist because that involves money which involves me, explaining the situation to my parents. I am afraid that my parents won't understand and take me as a mentally sick person.View Thread