I'm in a great marriage with a great man, but there's an elephant in the room. He has a tremendous sex drive, but can't orgasm without significant effort. Earlier in the marriage he used to watch a lot more porn and masturbate more often whenever I didn't want sex, but now our libidos are a much closer match. However, the amount of work we have to do to get him to release is kind of silly. About a third of the time, we call it off because we're too hot and sweaty and sore to continue. Sensitizing creams seem like an option, but I'm concerned about their effects on me (for example, something as innocuous as self-heating lube is highly irritating to my internal tissue).
He does lead a high stress, low sleep life (military) that can't be helped, but eats very well and exercises regularly. Any advice or humorous tips are very much appreciated. I love my husband and his little head, and want him to enjoy our sex as much as I do. It breaks my heart a little every time he can't come to orgasm.View Thread
Thanks for the tips, I do appreciate the feedback! We had a chance to talk about this, which seemed harder for him than I anticipated, but got through it with some good information that I needed to hear. We already have a pretty spicy house (though more lingerie is always a plus!)... it turns out I was actually sabotaging his orgasm by "taking my time" with him in foreplay. Knowing this completely and immediately changed the way I handle him, and I'm no longer so insecure about him not being able to come. Now it's just a matter of practice and experimenting until we find good timing. Thanks again for your input guys, it's great to have this line of discussion available!View Thread
In response to georgiagail, schedules make it feel awfully clinical to me, and if there are any lingering feelings of doubt towards intimacy, a scheduled sex day can actually backfire catastrophically. YMMV, of course, and it works really well for some couples!
OP, the best anecdote I've ever heard about men versus women in marriages is this: men need the physical to feel loved, women need love to want the physical. If you can keep the cycle going between you, you're a dynamo of both love and sexuality.
One tip I can give is to simply be affectionate with each other. When he is caressing you, he is trying to show you that affection. Touch him when you pass in the hallway, kiss him (a real one, not a peck) when one of you leaves the house. Hug him when his back is turned to you while he's working on something. If you do have any attraction for him, you must be the one act on it... if he's the one constantly trying to get your attention, it's a very one sided battle that you're both going to lose.
Another tip is to make your home itself inviting to intimacy. You don't have to go crazy with red velvet wallpaper or anything, but keeping a place clear and cozy to spend real face time with each other does wonders for keeping love between you.
If sex is truly important to you, then you must make it part of your life. You can't expect it to just happen, as georgiagail wisely said. Spontaneity tends to fall by the wayside in marriage, in exchange for comfort and solidarity. If I'm reading you right, the biggest part of the problem is that you're just not in the mood, which is extremely common and nothing to be ashamed of... but wouldn't you rather be IN the mood? So instead of closing your eyes and waiting for your brain to decide to want sex, get up, go flirt with your husband, and make it happen yourself!View Thread
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