Abuse is abuse is abuse. There is no grey areas. If you tell him to stop and it's hurting you, it abuse. It's only okay if both parties want it. Your not a masochistic and you don't want the pain. If he hurts you, he doesn't love you. Your breast are not his punching bags.
As stated before, the trauma and brusing can affect your milk production later with children, increase your chances for cancer, or may even lead to the loss of them. It also can cause hard spots (Keloids) and loss of sensation in them.
I can not begin to state how much an "A" hole your last BF was. I understand you wanted to please him, so he could please you, but sounds like he just wanted someone to control.
First of all I know Asperger Syndrome makes it hard to communicate and make friends. Have you or are you getting some therapy for communication. I have had a couple of boy scouts with Asperger and it took me a while to realize how wonderfully intellegent they are. The main reason I had problems was I didn't know anything about the syndrome. It was my ignorance that was the problem.
As for the bleeding and pain, I think you were in a hurry and didn't prepare for sex. You have to be prepared for entry. Relaxation and lubrication can do a lot. Having a man just trying to slam it in you is NOT a good thing. He has to go slow and make you ready for sex. You may take a while, because of your past experiances.
EVERY WOMAN IS BEAUTIFUL. Do you believe that? I do. Every person has body issues with themselves. No matter what you think you look like, someone will get through to you and tell you how beautiful you are.
I think you like the "girl on girl" stuff more is because it's what you want a man to do to you. He should be kissing you all over and gently touching you. Not stuffing himself down your throat or up your bottom. That's for later, when your more comfortable with him and if it's what you want to do. There is nothing wrong with oral and anal sex. Both partners must be will and ready to do it. It's when your not ready for it, that it hurts.
All in all, your past is slowing you down. Take it slow and tell him to take it slow. I think you'll be great and you'll get to the point your looking for.
How can a man say he loves you if he continues to hurt you. I enjoy it with my wife, but if she say no it means no. Any time she tells me we can't do something, I respect that. It took me 6 months before she was comfortable to tell me what she wanted.
I love my wife and respect her. You have given your husband 5 children and allowed him to hurt you for years. Now it's not only mental trauma (reliving the rape), it's physical trauma, due to the hemorroids.
Tell him this and stop the damage. Get private session with your's & his counselor and discuss it. NO MAN has the right to harm his partner. This is abuse. You wouldn't take it if he was hitting you with a stick. You wouldn't take it if he was calling you names. Why take a painful intrusion into your body in the name of intimacy.
Get help with both him and the past. You shouldn't be afraid to be intimate with your husband.
Gail. your right about the ups and downs of pregnancy and marriage. Your also right about the idea that intimacy doesn't need to be spontaneous. Guy, I hear you and have been in your spot. It will get better. Take your problem in hand for a little while longer and ride out the hard times. Believe me, just helping out in the house and child care shows her you love her more than flowers sometimes. Remind her every morning, noon and night how much you love her for her and for giving you 3 wonderful children. Her focus is the children. This is natural and there is nothing more beautiful then a mother looking down with love at her children.
In about another month, get a sitter for the kids for about 2-4 hours. Take her to a place she loves and feel comfortable with. Let her relax her mind and she will come around to you.
Right now, Take the kids and let her go do something for her. Let her get her nails or hair done. Tell her to go watch a movie while you watch the kids. She needs a break to unwind, so she can recharge for everyone.
A suprise flower or card never hurts and let's her know you still care.
I hadn't realized how much sex life I had lost, until I divorced my ex. I would work 80 plus hours a week in 2 full time jobs trying to make her happy. All I got was "not tonite" or complained at because I wasn't home to help with the kids, or the best after working a 3rd to 1st double. woken up after 2 hours, "could you check and see if the chicken is done?"
Yea, I was ready to get out and enjoy the world. She had a judge stop my visitation for our son for 3 months after I left. I would write, but I couldn't call (harassment charges if I did) and she told him I just wasn't coming to see him. I kept a copy of all my letters to him (she didn't show them to him)
Yes, she was using any tool to get what she wanted. She got the house, our son, child support. and her bf.
What she ended up with is: Lost the house, I have custody of our son (he doesn't like going to her trailer), 1/2 of 1/3 of my retirement (unless she dies from lung cancer 2ppd), her bf (who doesn't work) and is still sexually frustrated.
Me, much better in all aspects and still getting laid. No, I don't keep in contact with my old FWB. (hate that term, but correct) They understood and I hope they got what they wanted in life.
When I separated from my ex, I went online. My first comment was I'm as romantic as a brick. I had tried the romance with the ex and it didn't work. Giving hints and gestures hadn't worked. In my profile, I made it quite specfic what I wanted, but in accepted formats.
Man, did my ex screw me up. I even had a script for viagra. I thought I couldn't perform anymore.
My first date, I took a couple of yellow daisies and we went for coffee. We talked to get to know each other. Next night was fireworks. (45 & 39 yo)
The next lady, I took a candy rose. The next night, We acted like a teenagers and we didn't sleep. (45 & 42 yo)
3rd lady met me at the door in night gown. After our physical introduction, I made dinner and spent the night. That Saturday she broke her wrist in a car accident. I ended up taking care of her for 4 days. She said she had never been taken care of so well. (45 & 43)
Yes, I was a man whore (I paid for the dinners and fixing), but I found out women liked sex. I loved getting all the sex that my ex would not give me. No matter what I wanted they would try it or totally loved doing it. This all happened in the first 2 months of me being out of the house. After the 1st encounter, the viagra was out.
I went a little crazy when I found out what truely sexual creatures women are. My wife nows about my past. I kept no secrets, but I left the naughty details out. I never lied to her and won't lie. I also don't use ED meds anymore. Even if Mr. Happy isn't standing tall, I have other means of making her happy.
I'm not bragging (well maybe a little), I feel I got really lucky to have what I got and things do work out.
Divorces are ugly, painful and life giving. I would never advise cheating. It makes things worse. If you plan on divorce, start now. List all assets, divide accounts, look at how much money each of you make, look at the children ages and where they are going. Look at the whole picture as a business deal. That is what the courts are going to see.
My divorce lasted 3 years. That was because, after I left (we had an agreement already in place) she decide to not follow it. In her doing that, she lost. She was to keep my son and get child support. She ended up lossing the house, my son, my support and respect in the court. She was even thrown out of a homeless shelter.
She drag my son through all of it. At times he didn't know where his next meal was coming from or where he would be sleeping.
I have custody of my son, I'm remarried, I have a new (to me) house, good job, good vehicals and my dignity. I was true to my word and I followed the rules. I also get and give sex. A plus is she likes it and wants it. Was it worth it? To me it was.
It may not be what you want, but you have to decide what you want to live with.
BF is an A**hole as the other posters have stated in kinder words. A relationship is 50/50. Not bow down and suck my **** while I look at porn.
4 years? If he's changed this much from affectionate to womand service me, what's he going to be in another couple of years. Woman must be bare foot and pregnant in kitchen only? Listen & do what I tell you and be quiet? Do you want to live like that?
Your not married and he acts like he wants nothing to do with you, it's time for a change. Him or his behavior. I have been with my wife (just married 6 wks ago) for 6 years. We PDA, kiss (in all the right places), and are attentive to each others needs. Body massages, foot rubs, sexual wants and desires are all given to each other. My wife is not there to just service me.
Only you can decide what you want to live with and how you want to live. I hope you decide what is best for you and yours.
I can total see your point. I was you 10 years ago. We got married in 1990. Sex wasn't alway there, like I like, but we were married and I was gone a lot with my career. I got out of the service and thought it would get better. My son was concieved after a argument and I had left, We got back together. Again sex was one of the big issues. After my son was born, sex went from some, but don't touch to much, to none. 2 years of no sex, no PDA, or even wanting to be near each other. We split. Did counceling. I got a BJ that blew my mind and cost me another 5 miserable years of very little sex and family dysfuction. She cheated and I got the divorce. She stated to the councelor she was sexually frustrated. She truely was the doggie style of sex. I beg and she roll over and play dead.
I was 44 when we divorced. I thought I was a bad person and women didn't like sex. I felt I was a perv because I liked sex. I found out differently. Women like sex. They want to please their partners as well as be pleased.
I can tell you, I will never live like that again. My wife now is very affectionate, loving and we always are holding hand and snuggling. Even when we can't have sex (due to schedules), we text, call, hold hands and snuggle on the couch. I'm 50 now and some time the plumbing isn't as hard as it use to be. Age does that. I'm very oral and will please her first and get mine second.
We men/women/husbands/partners/wives/ are not perfect. We want what we want. If your in a bad relationship, GET OUT. You have to determine what you want to live with and deal with.
After 24 years, you'll pay. After 19 years,I get to pay my ex 1/2 of 1/3 of my retirement. Money well spent. I can live the way I want to and I get laid. I found a wonderful wife/partner/lover/friend. I hope you make the right decision for yourself.