I've been married for 10 years and recently I've learned more about my wife's past 'promiscuousness'. When I first learned about some of her past it was after we were well into our engagement. One night we went out with one of her freinds who said girls should never let the guys their dating that they have been more with 10 guys. Later that night I asked my soon to be wife how many guys she had been with - she would not answer with an exact number but said she always had serious boyfriends. I seriously thought about ending the engagement but kept thinking this was my problem and with time I'd be able to accept it and move on. When we had our daughter about 2 years later, my wife's past no longer bothered me, I no longer obssessed over it and seemed to put it behind me.
Recently I came to realize that there was a lot more sexual liasons then just with her boyfriends. She tended to give oral sex to many guys in highschool and beyond. To her oral sex is not sex. This realization just opened old wounds and I'm struggling. I love our kids, I love the life we've built but I cannot say I love her. I did have a moment of crisis and thought that if I cheated - try to catch up to her numbers, then all is forgivin and I can move on. Glad to say that I never went through with cheating but came very close. I know that route would be more destructive and hurt her and hurt my family. I just can't do that to my family.
My wife's dad left when she was 12 and I am sure some of her behavior can be tied to needing to be accepted, needing to keep boys/men in her life happy. That if she pleasured them they will accept her. She says she regrets some behavoir and only wants to concentrate on who she has become and not who she was. I can't disagree but I'm not there yet.
We've had some blow ups lately and these arguments/fights have taken a strain. My friends say that is the typical 10 year marriage mark - with kids, more responsibilities with work, home, kids you rarely have time for yourself and never time for your spouse. I reminds me of a joke about married - 'Yeah we still talk after 10 years, we say 'F#%$K you as we pass each other in the hall'. It feels like that a lot of times.
I know we need to take some time for ourselves but life keeps getting in the way and it is driving a wedge between us. And with her past I can't even look at her, it is not intentional but I've lost repsect for her where I'm not sure if I can overcome these feelings I have - hurt, resentment, regret. I'm at the point where I can't even kiss her because I have too many images of where her mouth has been. I know I am obessessing over but I can't see a way to get this behind me.
I do not want to riun my marriage over this because we do have a good life. I'd love to insight into this - in how I am feeling and how to get through it. The only reason I am posting is because I read one of the posts her about someone thinking of cheating and I was amazed at how thoughtful and helpful the responses were.View Thread