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Downward slope

Ever feel like you can't stand being in your own skin another moment? I'm feeling antsy, stressed, depressed,...

Posted by TNmist

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Downward slope Ever feel like you can't stand being in your own skin another moment? I'm feeling antsy, stressed, depressed,...

Beat down again

My sister has stopped visiting our mother when she found out that my mother helped set up time for my father...

I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.

Posted by MarySings

My sister has stopped visiting our mother when she found out that my mother helped set up time for my father to molest me.

On Friday I suggested that my sister and I make a mother's day visit Saturday morning.

A BAD DECISION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We walked into the nursing home and she was in a group of ladies watching tv. My sister put her hand on our mothers' shoulder. My mother snapped her head around and said 'who are you'. My sister told her that we were making a mother's day visit and we had a small corsage for her. Our mother said 'I don't know about mother's day and I will not let you put a stupid flower on me. Take your hand off me and don't touch me again. Now get out of here. NOW! GOODBYE!' We were rather stunned with her behavior. For the last 2 years she was pleasant.

We left the tv area and went to find the RN in charge. My sister asked when did our mother made a 180degrees into a bossy and demanding person. He told us that it happened a few weeks. She went to bed peacefully and the next morning she had turned into a monster. We asked if this was just a phase of her dementia and he said it was typical. We asked if there was a possibility she would return to her pleasant behavior. He said it was not likely. He also said he was surprised when she began to fight with the nursing staff and patients. He said if we want to come visit again, don't get too close because she was hitting everyone and anyone.

I walked out the door and had a melt down. My sister held me while I cried. She said she wasn't sure she would return and she said that I should never return.

I'm struggling with chronic lower back pain AND out-of-control fibromyalgia pain. Now I am sliding into a deep depression again. I just can't escape it any more.

I feel so alone.

I want to die. I want to escape the pain in my heart.

And no one will let me.View Thread

I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.

Posted by MarySings

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Beat down again My sister has stopped visiting our mother when she found out that my mother helped set up time for my father...

3 years and 6 months...possible trigger

My name is Megan, I'm 24.... Thought I had put everything behind me and moved on. But lately I've been...

Posted by meganleighann808

My name is Megan, I'm 24.... Thought I had put everything behind me and moved on. But lately I've been having a hard time dealing with...everything. It's been that long since my estranged husband (not estranged at the time) raped me, and it's affecting me more now than it ever has. His "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" excuse irritates me more than ever. But doesn't hurt as much as the "I felt like sex was all I was good for, I guess it was some kind of payback. I don't know, I don't remember, I was drunk." He always complains about how he could never be with anyone else and is afraid to touch another woman because I've given him a complex...so sometimes I just have sex with him but I always end up in so much pain that I'm shoving him off of me. The last time he got so angry with me. I don't know what he wants from me. He makes me feel guilty for having trouble dealing with something he did to me. Drunk or not. I understand that I can't hold it against him forever especially because of our child, and I do my best not to, but seriously if I could just stop the memories and the physical and emotional pain I would. I can't be with anyone. It hurts too much. I can't even have my yearly exam done without having a panic attack. If I could do something to forget I would, but it's in my head everyday. All day, everyday. The sounds, the things he said to me, my son's little 8 month old eyes watching, him crying for me, the smell of the alcohol. I feel out of control most days and when I feel like that I crave anything to make me feel better but I have to be responsible for my child so I just bottle it all up. I feel like I'm ready to lose it. The last time I felt like this was 2 years ago I took 17 of my 40 mg antidepressants. I just had to forget. I would never do that again but I pray and beg God to just let me forget. I see my husband everyday. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just forget but each passing day the memories and the feelings...everything is just getting worse!!View Thread

Posted by meganleighann808

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:3 years and 6 months...possible trigger My name is Megan, I'm 24.... Thought I had put everything behind me and moved on. But lately I've been...

Sure is quiet here

How is everyone doing?? Hope everyone is taking care of themselves and hopefully getting some decent weather and...

Posted by TNmist

How is everyone doing?? Hope everyone is taking care of themselves and hopefully getting some decent weather and can enjoy a little springtime. I just wanted to say hello and encourage folks to check in if possible.

I don't have anything great or dismal to report, so I guess that's a good thing. I just finished 2-1/2 hours of mowing, and I am BEAT. My back is hurting me, but I'll be okay by morning. I took a 10-min break when my push mower ran out of gas. I drank a bunch more water, put a cold, wet dish towel behind my neck for a few minutes, then I gassed up the mower and kept going. See? Nothing exciting in my world, but that's a good thing!

I'm hoping to relax with a book tomorrow afternoon. (Fridays and Saturdays are my "weekend.") Also hoping to see a friend tomorrow evening, but it's okay if that doesn't happen.

I saw my PCP today, and I got a 'script for Wellbutrin. I caved and decided I needed some help for the depression. Despite it being spring and doing outdoor work, the depression hangs on. I used to take it for many years, and it wasn't working AS well towards the end, but it's been about a year now since I've taken it, so I'm hoping it will work okay again.

My PCP was asking me some questions related to depression. I'm sure he was just making sure I wasn't suicidal. He asked me if I had any relationship problems. Almost laughed at that one. WHAT relationships??? My family relationships are the best they are going to be, and it's not terrible; I just don't confide deep stuff. I live alone with a couple of pets and for now prefer it that way (shrugs shoulders), and I'm okay with my current friends, etc.

I mean, there was a super close friend that ditched me over a year ago, and that still hurts, but I can't do anything more about it. It's a long story; I'll spare you the details. I sure never saw that coming, but there isn't anything more I can do, and I'm not going to stalk her, ha. I miss her kids, too, though. They were like nieces to me. I knew them their whole lives, and one will graduate high school next year. Sigh.

He asked about "relationships," and it got me to thinking, I guess.

Well, I've RAMBLED on long enough...Hope everyone has a good weekend. Stay safe and keep on that healing journey!

-MistyView Thread

Posted by TNmist

4 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Sure is quiet here How is everyone doing?? Hope everyone is taking care of themselves and hopefully getting some decent weather and...

Times Up

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII ...

Crying Is Like Taking Your Soul To The Laundry Mat!!!!!!!

Posted by Soulkeepers

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Times Up IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII ...

Meltdowns

Been crying my eyes out today. Just too many financial hassles. I'm such a dope when it comes to money. Will I...

Posted by TNmist

5 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Meltdowns Been crying my eyes out today. Just too many financial hassles. I'm such a dope when it comes to money. Will I...

Bucket list

case manager meeting. insisted on calling the crisis team. hospitalized. full-dress...

We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi

Posted by lovely_lemon_tree

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Bucket list case manager meeting. insisted on calling the crisis team. hospitalized. full-dress...

Distraction Action

Mother's Day is coming up, and I recognize this may be a time with mixed feelings, but maybe we can have some...

Posted by TNmist

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Distraction Action Mother's Day is coming up, and I recognize this may be a time with mixed feelings, but maybe we can have some...

Forget It!

No Response Needed I Know How Wrapped Up People Have Been Lately. ...

Crying Is Like Taking Your Soul To The Laundry Mat!!!!!!!

Posted by Soulkeepers

7 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Forget It! No Response Needed I Know How Wrapped Up People Have Been Lately. ...

Quiet out there.

I think I hear crickets...Just wanted to write a little note. Am thinking healing thoughts toward everyone. Hope...

Posted by TNmist

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Quiet out there. I think I hear crickets...Just wanted to write a little note. Am thinking healing thoughts toward everyone. Hope...

Maladaptive Daydreaming or Catfishing coping mecha...

ADD links with maladaptive daydreaming/catfishing by Rhondae Â» Tue Apr 30, 2013 10:23 pm Hey everyone...

Posted by An_251723

ADD links with maladaptive daydreaming/catfishing by Rhondae Â» Tue Apr 30, 2013 10:23 pm Hey everyone I'm new here. I'm a female and 21. Appreciate anyone who manages to bear with the long post.

Had all the symptoms of someone with ADD and what seems to be called maladaptive daydreaming (not diagnosed however) for as long as I can remember and I'd just like to request some insight into some things as I really can't face a therapist - though I visited my gp once, concerning my levels who said they'd refer me to a specialist but didn't.

I was abused once by an older male and coincidentally for a period of time by two older females as a child though my family remain unaware. The abuse from the females however took place by them grooming me into believing we were playing a game where I'd have to pretend to be 'their husband' and from the ages of 6-10 after initial resistance they got their ways (separate people/periods).

I spent a few teenage & some adult yrs somehow getting caught up into 'catfishing' across 4 different online identities (3males 1female) one at a time. They started off as just light anonymous chat with no intention of escalating then found myself having to backstory who i 'was' and ended up in intense relationships (sounds crazy online but completely possible). Messed up i know, not proud of it, beat myself up about this for ages. Also just to note I did this while juggling a perfectly what seemed to be 'normal' life as in friends,social,now&then relationships(never at the same time though),education,career etc.

Anyway finally ended the last one (always found a way to end one due to guilt eventually) but feel severe withdrawal symptoms and some anxiety i'm almost not sure what 'myself' is anymore. I realise that this covers numerous things so may find it beneficial to search elsewhere as well for an allrounded response.

So my questions to this section are: Have any of you ever found yourself a 'catfish' or Maladaptive Daydreaming at any point in life?

Could this potentially be linked to my experiences as a child?

If I really dig deep into my subconscious I feel as though those things were maybe a way of me justifying what I went through and making it seem somewhat even 'normal' to the point where I may be vulnerable to becoming disassociated.

And just in general any thoughts/help/advice please?

Thanks for anyone's time.xView Thread

Posted byAn_251723

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Maladaptive Daydreaming or Catfishing coping mechanisms? ADD links with maladaptive daydreaming/catfishing by Rhondae Â» Tue Apr 30, 2013 10:23 pm Hey everyone...

frustrated

I need to vent. I am in college and just about to get my Master's degree in psychology. In classes we...

Posted by aprilrain

4 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:frustrated I need to vent. I am in college and just about to get my Master's degree in psychology. In classes we...

No idea what to call this... possible trigger

So... I've been sitting in front of my computer for a rather long time now... trying to figure out how to...

Where there is shadow, there is light.

Posted by BlueRose90

So... I've been sitting in front of my computer for a rather long time now... trying to figure out how to write this. There's been something bothering me for about a week now and after some encouragement to get it out I thought I would try to write it out. I've honestly never told anyone this...

I don't want to trigger anyone but there are some possible trigger things in here.... ************************************************************************************************************************

After I had told my parents what happened to me when I was a child and then abuse from another when I was older ... that finally stopped about 2 years ago... (I know I haven't gone into detail about my past on here yet so bear with me.) my dad told me something that through me for a loop. My oldest sister was abused by someone at her school when she was about 9 or 10. It was a completely different person than had hurt me and more than 10 years apart. (She was 17 years old when I was born.) I was looking at the one picture that I have of her last week and I just started to fall apart right there. As of late I've been struggling to keep moving forward and to keep working on healing. And... well I've said here before that I struggle with "dark thoughts" of hurting myself and while I was looking at her photo I came so close to doing something I would have regretted.

You see... my oldest sister committed suicide when I was 8 years old... I never got the chance to know her very well because she moved out of the house when I was a toddler and then lived out of state. I only have three memories of my sister total... We never found out what exactly had driven her to do it... or at least I was never told because I was so young... but I know that she had tried it several times before. I remember that night my parents got the phone call from her husband so vividly. My mom started crying on the phone with him and suddenly I just knew before she said anything out loud. Though old that pain still feels fresh.

Remembering that pain saved my life twice when I was still going through the abuse... The only thing that kept me from following in her footsteps was the memory of the pain that it had caused me and my family. I vowed that I wouldn't hurt anyone else that way. I couldn't cause my family that pain again. Not again. But still those thoughts fester in the back of my head, that if she wasn't strong enough to deal with everything that had happened to her then maybe I'm not strong enough either.

All that pain went through me again while I looked at her picture and has sent me down to a dark place. This is the short version... I know it's probably choppy and maybe it doesn't even make any sense. I've been sobbing and my brain hurts.I have to step away from the computer for awhile and try to pull myself together. I'm just venting...

RoseView Thread

Where there is shadow, there is light.

Posted by BlueRose90

6 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:No idea what to call this... possible trigger So... I've been sitting in front of my computer for a rather long time now... trying to figure out how to...

Why is the journey towards healing worht it?

I've been hearing a theme lately, it seems, and I would like to start a discussion on reasons why we should keep...

Posted by TNmist

4 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Why is the journey towards healing worht it? I've been hearing a theme lately, it seems, and I would like to start a discussion on reasons why we should keep...

TRIGGERS

Do you ever feel like you just need to cleanse your psyche of what's going on in it because things...

We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi

Posted by lovely_lemon_tree

Do you ever feel like you just need to cleanse your psyche of what's going on in it because things keep growing in it, like cancerous lesions? It's a process similar to that of elimination and/or defecation... going to the bathroom and sitting over the toilet day after day to let out the waste products that build in our bodies because otherwise they will poison us?

My case manager wants to sit on on a therapy session. Mind you, my case manger I have had in my life for nearly a year now. I am a bit more open with her about my past than I am with my therapist, who I've only had around since January. My case manager wants to make sure that I'm telling my therapist about the things I "should" be telling her about... "opening" up to her about the things I "should" be opening up to her about...

TRIGGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to hang my head at the shame of what has happened.

I want to hide.

I want to scream and cry and tear myself to bits until I never can put Humpty Dumpty together again!

The horror of it all...

Nightmarish quality of it ...

I remember being at the hospital one summer (during one of my many, many admissions) and the reason I was there was because it was an anniversary date of a particularly bad abuse event... the psychiatrist wanted to know what was bothering me so I told him. He said bluntly to me "That wasn't rape. That was two teenagers fooling around." I came out of his office blindsided and crying, clawing at my face, screaming that I was going to kill myself... it earned me a one-to-one observation for more than a week.

I (perhaps unwisely) have read a post down the page marked "TRIGGERS." ... and I, too, have injured myself there. I have scraped until I was dripping dark, viscous blood. I have cut until the blood flowing out of me could have easily passed as a period. I had to go to the emergency room one time because I made the mistake of telling someone once about what I did. They examined me and I cried the whole time and they didn't bat an eyelash. It turned out that I had cut my cervix. I don't know what other damage there ever was... or if there was permanent damage. They did put me on antibiotic and give me a tetanus shot.

God I hate this.

I hate this.

hate this.

this.

siht

siht etah.

Easier to descend into madness than to face the truth of what has really happened.View Thread

We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi

Posted by lovely_lemon_tree

10 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:TRIGGERS Do you ever feel like you just need to cleanse your psyche of what's going on in it because things...

I'm just sayin'

DEPRESSION SUCKS! ANXIETY SUCKS! PTSD SUCKS! BORDERLINE PERSONALITY SUCKS! Right...

I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.

Posted by MarySings

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:I'm just sayin' DEPRESSION SUCKS! ANXIETY SUCKS! PTSD SUCKS! BORDERLINE PERSONALITY SUCKS! Right...

no title

IM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW. I JUST NEEDED TO GET THAT OFF MY CHEST. I HAVE NO FAITH IN PEOPLE ANYMORE. IM DONE WITH...

Posted by AZ330

9 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:no title IM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW. I JUST NEEDED TO GET THAT OFF MY CHEST. I HAVE NO FAITH IN PEOPLE ANYMORE. IM DONE WITH...

A healing journey part 4 - trigger SA/SI

********************************** ************************** **************...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

********************************** ************************** ************** ***************************** ******************** *************** ************

A healing journey - part 4 - feeding the beast

August 1, 1989

I awake from my dreamless sleep and bound out of bed full of energy and plans. As I manically race to get dress and begin all the projects in my head I pause to tell my reflection. "I'm okay! I don't need therapy. I can quit now I'm all healed. I have put the monsters to bed and I won! I'm cured" I flash my self my I-cheat-in-scrabble-smile and brush my wild long dark hair.

Ste weary watches and begins setting up the safety net. He knows I will come plummeting down from that mood. He stays close.

August 3, 1989

Well it has been decided. i'm going back to school to be a teacher - none of this nurse stuff, I really want to teach! Guess what I did! I hacked 6 INCHES off my hair! I LOVE IT! For once I didn't do it out of punishment of need to make my self ugly. I just did to change my style to a more adult sophisticated style. I feel like it would take a [deleted> freight train to

stop me now! I'm going to be a teacher!! I'm going to live! I have to I want to!!

Ste paces restlessly in my head on constant vigil. He is not fooled by my sunny disposition.

Sept 4, 1989

7:00am
Brother and his wife are here. I just can't go over and see them. I am SOOO BLEEPING JEALOUS HE HAS A WIFE AND KIDS!! someone to love him. Me I am just alone, always alone. It bothers me to see them, any of my brothers. All I see are people unaffected by what we have been through. Why was I affected so? They can marry hand have a happy life life but NO Paja she is always alone ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS. I HATE IT I HATE IT!!! IT IS NOT FAIR! I am so jealous.
I see it as a mark on my soul that they can come out of the family unscathed and I can't.

11:30 pm
While dressing for work I decided I'ld rather be crazy and insane, because sanity offered me nothing. Was ready to quit therapy and hypnotherapy. Had it all planned, dressed in black and oozing coldness and craziness I'ld go tell everyone that if the only way my family would accept me was crazy then I would be crazy and forever sick so I could fit in.

Realized I have to be sane for me. I have to quit looking at my life through others eyes and life my life for me. TAKE CARE OF ME!
I'm tired of being alone. I'm not good company for my self.

September 11,1989

ANGRY. i just don't care anymore. I wanta stop and just jell in a state of inactivity. I have no energy for school, life or me. Yup depression time. But it will pass. It has to, I couldn't life like this forever. It will
pass, it always does. I must hang on. I knew it would be hard to fight my selves over the self mutilation. I just want to freak out and go on a
rampage and clean all the anger out of my system....but it is a bottomless pit of anger and it would consume me.

(cont)View Thread

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:A healing journey part 4 - trigger SA/SI ********************************** ************************** **************...

Distraction Action

We've all being having a hard time lately and I thought that I might start one of these a little early this...

Where there is shadow, there is light.

Posted by BlueRose90

23 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Distraction Action We've all being having a hard time lately and I thought that I might start one of these a little early this...

Checking in

Just to say hi and let everyone know that I am (mostly) safe and (generally) okay and not triggered...

We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi

Posted by lovely_lemon_tree

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Checking in Just to say hi and let everyone know that I am (mostly) safe and (generally) okay and not triggered...

Too much/not enough

Rough couple of days. Stay-cation is no-cation. Can't win. Too tired. Can't catch up. Is any of this worth it?...

Posted by TNmist

10 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Too much/not enough Rough couple of days. Stay-cation is no-cation. Can't win. Too tired. Can't catch up. Is any of this worth it?...

Not Enough.............Be Careful

Not placing guilt here or blaming anyone for anything.So many distractions.So don't get the wrong idea...

Crying Is Like Taking Your Soul To The Laundry Mat!!!!!!!

Posted by Soulkeepers

5 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Not Enough.............Be Careful Not placing guilt here or blaming anyone for anything.So many distractions.So don't get the wrong idea...

A healing journey part 3 - trigger SA/SI

************************ ***************************** ********* ******************************...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

************************ ***************************** ********* ****************************** **************************** *******

(please note the dates...this stuff is all in the past. These are actual entry's from my journals.)

A healing journey part three - In the belly of the beast

March 30, 1988

well it is official - we are switching to the HMO insurance on May 1st. I am
not dealing well with this news. This means I lose my mental health
coverage. I am not ready to stop therapy!! AAAGGHHH!!! I am scared and
feeling abandoned.

April 19, 1988

at work. yesterday I was going to leave work drive home and OD on drugs and kill me self. i had to call Richard last night cause I wanted to harm my
self. The first time I hung up just as he answered. (he had given me his
home # - this was the first of two times I bothered him at home. I never
abused the trust of the number being given to me. Even today I find that to
be a powerful gesture from him. He gave me his home number, He wanted me to be able to reach him in an emergency. He cared that much about my safety.)

The second time my body walked away from the phone so I couldn't hang up. We talked for about 8 minutes. I'm beginning to understand what this fight inside is all about. The VERY STRONG part of me that has kept me safe and alive all those years is not willing to let the new me live. It feels
threatened. It is not going to be easy but I must find a way to pacify it
and reassure it that I can be in an up state and still in control.

April 21, 1998
The look of concern in Richards eyes told me all I needed to know, he really does care. There was a hint of panic in his voice as we talked. He kept telling me he cares about me and that he's grown to like me. Another person tangled in my web. People who I love or care about or need, all leave me hurt or die on me. The various sides of me wants to die. No more hate, an eternal peace, a calm , a hush.

April 30, 1988

He sits there listening to me sob as I tell him the insurance is gone next
week and this will have to be our last session. My gut is twisted and torn,
part of me wanting to run back, part of me wanting to run forward.
He hands me a tissue and says, "Paja our work here isn't finished."
I wail "I can't pay you the 60 dollars and hour!"
He gently tells me, "I will continue seeing you for the co-pay amount."

My blood freezes....the room is deathly still. I look at the 10.00 bill in
my hand. The magnitude of this gesture is HUGE. F'in HUGE MAN.
"you are going to take a 50 dollar and hour pay cut to work with me? WHY!?" I demand.

He smiles and his brown eyes sparkle, "cause you are worth it to me."
That gesture knocked off a lot of bricks off my walls. I don't think he
realized just how HUGE that was to me. He kept his word and continued to see me for the 10.00 an hour. He never set a limit on our therapy, he never
asked for a raise. He saw me for another year and 1/2 for that amount.

Later that year when I could afford it, I gave him a raise of 5.00 and hour. He raised his eyebrows when I handed over the 15.00.

"What's this?" He reminded me of our agreement.

I smiled. "I'm giving all my employees raises."

He got a happy look on his face and with hind sight I know what he must have been thinking. I bet he was thinking.."Win for the Paja team. She is healing and seeing the value of our work and that she is worth this investment."

(cont)

View Thread

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:A healing journey part 3 - trigger SA/SI ************************ ***************************** ********* ******************************...

how do i join this community?

am a sexual abuse survivor that has recently started therapy again, and am in need of some groups to go to for...

Posted by ToniLB

6 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:how do i join this community? am a sexual abuse survivor that has recently started therapy again, and am in need of some groups to go to for...

Nightmares

POSSIBLE...

Where there is shadow, there is light.

Posted by BlueRose90

10 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Nightmares POSSIBLE...

A healing journey part 2 - trigger SA/SI

************************* ***************************** ********* ******************************...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

************************* ***************************** ********* ****************************** ****************************

My therapist had never worked with a client who self mutilated. In hind
sight that was truly a blessing. He had no idea about SIV (self inflicted
violence), no preconceived treatment plans or biases. We learned about it
together. In my attempts to educate him about it, I in turn had no choice
but to learn my self. He was the perfect T for me. A pleasant older male who kept his distance and never tried to touch me. I value his professionalism and his ability to keep us on track. I loved his humor and his easy going manner. His giant collie dog frequented out sessions.

It was nice to be treated both by a human and a four legged. After the intake interview the sexual abuse was not mentioned again till I was ready to discuss it. Richard never probed or brought it up till I reintroduced the subject at the later date when I was ready to delve into it.

We talked initially about how I was treated by others, and how I felt
like an alien.

He asked "are you human?"

"No" I replied.

" animal?" he asked gesturing to the sleeping dog at his feet.

"no" I whisper fighting tears. "i'm not good enough to be an animal" He waited patiently as I fought internal battles. "i am nothing, I am dust, I don't feel like I belong on this planet, I feel like I was dropped off and my race is gone. I am a crack child. (the true meaning of the word - a space between two objects) I belong no where. I exist between light and the dark. I am like a missing link."

He sighed deeply and I saw pain in his eyes. "Paja we have to get you
reconnect with your people."

I fracture out again and again as different parts of me bubble in quick
succession to the surface. WE ARE SCARED. WE ARE FRIGHTENED. WE ARE ALONE. SO ALONE. WHAT YOU SPEAK OF IS OVERWHELMING. YOU SPEAK OF HOPE.

HOPE.

THAT DOUBLE-EDGED WORD THAT ALWAYS ENDS UP HURTING YOU.
WE ARE SCARED.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes to stop the visual stimulus and calm my children. I open my eyes and at last speak to him in a small child's voice, "how do we do that?"

In my head I hear Ste say hesitantly. "Trenta RA" [ my secret language for
"follow Richard">.

We start down the path.

Richard suggests STRONGLY I get off graveyard shift and work a shift where there are people.

"I HATE people." I snarl angrily, the internal rage blazing. My protecting
walls pulled up around me, barricading me in, closing me off from further
discussion.

"I am a people" he says cautiously.

I allow Little Jacky to answer for me "Everyone is a foe till proven
otherwise."

"Paja in order for this to work you have to trust me."

I am gone. Lost behind my walls in the darkness of my madness. Hope? trust? what the hell?? why can't he understand that: ALL I KNOW IS HATE - PAIN- ANGER- FEAR. that is all we speak. I have NEVER felt trust. that emotion/state of being is foreign to me. My distrust of everyone in the world has kept me alive. He is asking the impossible. My feelings long ago bottled up and hidden away...or worse killed all together by the abuse.

"can you trust me?" he asks. "or at least give me a chance to earn your
trust.?" He addresses me as if I am a fox caught in a trap.

I ponder his words as I feel my foot being bit by the cold steel trap. What
choices do I have?

Allow this man to help guide me and strive to live a better life...or...chew
off my leg and scurry away and remain wounded and injured for ever.
I go internal and face my selves. The children are cowering behind Ste,
frightened and crying. I look at Ste and his ice blue eyes meet mine. We speak volumes without uttering a word.

we are tired of the pain. we are tired of fighting the madness, we are
tired of living everyday, every second in a state of constant suisidalness.
We nod in unison.

I speak to Richard. "yes...yes we will give you a chance."

(cont in part 3)View Thread

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

0 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:A healing journey part 2 - trigger SA/SI ************************* ***************************** ********* ******************************...

Healing journey part 1 - TRIGGER SA/SI

THIS POST IS TRIGGERING FOR SEXUAL ABUSE AND SELF INJURY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * TRIGGER * *...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Healing journey part 1 - TRIGGER SA/SI THIS POST IS TRIGGERING FOR SEXUAL ABUSE AND SELF INJURY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * TRIGGER * *...

For you all.

I know the silence in here can be disheartening, so I think I will re-post my healing journey. Heck if...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

1 Reply | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:For you all. I know the silence in here can be disheartening, so I think I will re-post my healing journey. Heck if...

Weather

Some strong storms are supposed to pass through tonight. Those always make me nervous. Sigh. -Misty

Posted by TNmist

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Weather Some strong storms are supposed to pass through tonight. Those always make me nervous. Sigh. -Misty

How im feeling

just checking in....dont really have a whole lot of positive things to say...working thru health problems. I hope...

Posted by AZ330

17 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:How im feeling just checking in....dont really have a whole lot of positive things to say...working thru health problems. I hope...

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