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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * TRIGGER * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
USE CAUTION IF YOU ARE NOT SAFE.
This story doesn't have a happy beginning, or middle, but damn it it has a happy ending. I know because I am living it every day.
For me my journey is wrapped up tightly with self injury so there is much talk of that in here. Be prepared and stay safe. Its not terribly graphic as when I first posted it Caprice wouldn't let me get away with crap LOL.
For anyone reading along who doesn't know, I have Dissocitive Identity Disorder DID aka multiple personalities, you will hear me mentioning them in the story.
We used to be able to post longer posts so I will need to chop this up into segments. First peice will be a test to make sure all the spacing issues are okay.View Thread
I will warn you right up front its triggering as all heck, but healing in the same breath.
I will try to behave myself and only post one segment a day, to give you something to look forward too each day.
Peace be the journeyView Thread
-MistyView Thread
AZView Thread
1. If you could be an animal, what would you be and why?
2. What's your favorite zoo animal?
3. What's your favorite bird?View Thread
I got out of the psych hospital in early November. A month later, when I saw DrM, my psychiatrist, he got really ticked off that the pdoc at the hospital had changed my meds. He immediately told me to throw the new depression med away. Then he decided he wanted me on a different med for anxiety. Again told me to throw out the old med and begin taking the new one.
So in December I became a whole new person ... a "blithering idiot" (according to my husband. And unfortunately he was right.) I couldn't spell. I would forgot something almost immediately after talking about it, resulting in a lot of questions from me to him and almost never at the right time. My handwriting deteriorated to a third grader. One day I put on white shoes. I the way they looked but I could not figure out what on earth to do with strings that were attached. I asked endless questions, drove my husband nuts, and was basically home-bound.
In January Dr.M asked how I was doing and my husband answered with a description of December. He tirade continued and then he finally said that I had totally destroyed Christmas. Needless to say, I immediately began a self-hate journey. Dr.B worked with me for about six weeks to conquer that thinking.
Dr.M apologized that he did not lower the doses of the new meds. He said the anxiety med I stopped should have been tapered. It was that med that caused all my problems.
I have been abandoned by WebMD. When they took the moderators away, it's just not been the same. My heart aches for Caprice and all the other moderators.
My depression has been difficult to live with. One day I am "up" and the next day I am "down".
Fibromyalgia seems to give me more and more pain and discomfort. I get tired far too easily and have to lay down for at least an hour every afternoon.
My crumbled spine provides another area of intense low back pain. I had 8 injections into my spine the other day and have a LOT LESS pain. The last shots lasted 8 months - I hope to have pain relief for another 8 months.
For a long time everything has overwhelmed me - cleaning house, cooking, laundry and iron, and taking better care of myself. I have good intentions of walking every day but I rarely leave the house.
So that's where I am now. I know I didn't need to write any of this and I don't know if I will return.
Thanks for ten years of awesome support,
MarySingsView Thread
So I'm just going to hang out here for a while.View Thread
What are the good things in your life?
Some of the good things in mine are:
The love from my family and friends
You guys here!
My Savannah
The lovely still-cold nights
The cool days
Chocolate

My mental health team
The couple of pounds I have lost...
Next?View Thread
Doctor appointment went so-so. I was trying to explain to him how I needed a more holistic approach to things, and, oh, I don't know. Maybe HE was having a hard day or was tired, who knows. As usual, most of my problems revolve around my weight issues. I talked to him, too, about re-starting Wellbutrin for my depression, except that it's spring now and I'm hoping the sunshine and yard work will help lift my mood. We decided to wait 1 month and see how I'm feeling then.
I updated him about my official diagnosis of PTSD and how last year I was overwhelmed with FBs and memories about a childhood I didn't even know about. Guess he took it in stride. I'm just a bit disappointed with him. I don't know how to explain it. I didn't really get through the list of items I wanted to discuss with him, and he didn't seem willing to let me tackle my list, so that in itself was stressing me. Overall he seems nice enough, it's just that something isn't clicking and I don't know how to explain it. I was sooo hoping I would get a better vibe this go round, 'ya know?
Guess I'll go to bed soon and have a good cry. I need a time out from life, and my vacation is looking busier and busier!!
Thanks for listening, whoever is out there.
-MistyView Thread
-MistyView Thread
Okay, so it's springtime (in North America, heheh), and I have a small vacation coming up....so I thought I would pose a vacation question:
If you could go anywhere you wanted to for a vacation, where would you go and what made you choose that destination? Okay, that's the present...And, just out of curiosity, what if you could go back in time, is there a place you would like to visit?

-MistyView Thread
Here is Savannah:



And here is me!
View Thread
Depending on our ages, we probably all have different fav childhood books, but a couple of my favorites were all the Nancy Drew books and all the Black Stallion books. Mom had all of the Nancy Drew books and kept them for years....These were yet ANOTHER thing she gave away to some miscellaneous relative instead of passing them down to one of her own kids. She did that quite a few years ago, and I was terribly disappointed because I grew up with those books and gladly would have taken them off her hands if I had only known.
I first read the Black Stallion books borrowed from the libraray but eventually had my own collection. I have moved so many times that fairly early on into adulthood I gave them away as a gift to some friend's son who had discovered them and loved them as much as I did when I was young, so I don't really regret giving them to him, but I have missed them. I always had a book in my hand, and now they are like seeing old friends! I guess that was my safe zone--getting lost in a story. I guess it's no wonder that I'm remembering them again and wanting to re-read them. Sigh.
-MistyView Thread
I'll start with something simple: Now that spring should be here or is here for some of us, does anyone have a favorite flower and why?
It's hard for me to choose only one because I like flowers for different reasons, so I will list a few:
Pansies - because of their colors, they are pretty and look delicate but tough because they can get through the winter still looking pretty, and because it was my grandmother's favorite flower.
Gardenia - Grew up with them and love the smell.
Daisies - They really do seem like cheery sorts and last a good long time in a vase inside.
-MistyView Thread
-MistyView Thread
I've had a setback today, but I still wish everyone a lovely spring...as soon as it arrives. Blessings to you all.
-MistyView Thread
-MistyView Thread
******************************************************
Now I know why small engine motors can drive me nuts.
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Total meltdown this morning. Grateful my T could call me back between patients. New FB that explains my meltdowns with engines like small trucks and lawn mowers droning on and on....The FB scared me to death because it was the young me that was scared. How could he do that????? Threaten me like that? I hate him. I hate him so much...so I guess this FB was a good thing because I can't tap into the anger that often, but I'm so very angry now...A mixture, really, of anger and fear. Just a lot of fear, anger and grief.
-meView Thread
It's not HAPPY EASTER and really dreading tomorrow(B-day)
Missed half a day of work to see T but that didn't end well.Thinking about it though a lot of what was said I believe to be true.I can see why I can't hold onto to others or why others are not to keen to holding onto me.
I settle for the facts from T cause I feel that's the only ones that will speak the truth.It's been said one or the other will tell you the truth,a friend or mirror but I don't have either one.And I don't think T is being paid to lie to me without reason.Not to me cause there is no reason for it.
,........................TRIGGER..............TRIGGER
I JUST FEEL LIKE CUTTING MY WRIST AND ENDING ALL THIS BS.AND PEOPLE JUST DON'T GET IT.I HATE HATE REALLY HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW.
LET THIS STAY SLIENT LIKE I HAVE BEEN AND NO ONE HAS TO MAKE A SOUND OR SHOULD THAT BE TYPE A WORD.SIGNING OFF THE CRAZY ONE!!!!!!!View Thread
-MistyView Thread
I'm convinced that nearly everything going wrong in my life has its roots in the initial years of abuse. Poor coping mechanisms have led to health problems and financial woes right up to today. I know that as an adult it is up to me to fix myself, but thanks for nothing, progenitors, for giving me such a lousy foundation. Will I EVER have better health, or be in a better financial position? I don't know if I even have it in me to change. I'm just angry and frustrated for being in such a mess. Mostly angry at myself for not teaching myself better by this time, but at least I know my past now and can try to turn this ship around.
I see my T every 2 weeks because I can't afford more (and even with that he is working with me), but I have enough stuff to discuss with him at LEAST weekly and sometimes more than that. It's hard to decide whether to try to give it all to him for him to at least comment on or keep some of it and let him counsel me more in depth on some things.
I don't know. Yes, it was good that I could see him today. I consider that an answer to prayer because there wasn't an opening until the last moment.
I'm not sure whether I'm angry or just feeling grief right now over everything, maybe both. These memories restored to me also have shaken my trust in God. I understand the core - that people have free will, and that free will sometimes really hurts others, but God did not abandon me as a child, and He has not abandoned me now. Okay, I get that, but I'm still a bit gun-shy about trusting Him right now. Guess I'm waiting for my heart and my mind to get in sync again.
In the meantime, I get to exercise trusting Him for a couple of weeks because I've paid what bills I can, bought minimal food and pet food, and put some gas in the car, and here I will sit until next payday in 2 weeks. I don't like running things this close to 0, but it is what it is. I know I will get a few notices or phone calls in the meantime, too, but I can do nothing about it for now. On the upside, my pets will be taken care of, I do have a roof over my head, running water and electricity, and I can still see my T.
I think, really, I'm just mad at myself for not doing better. I can't even file my taxes because I can't pay for filing until next payday. Sigh.
Thanks for listening.
-MistyView Thread
It's been quiet on here for a few days so I thought I would do a shout out to see how everyone's been. I hope everyone is doing great!
RoseView Thread
At one point, when I was out tonight, it reminded me of a time when I stood on a beach with the wind whipping around me and struggling with the temptation to just walk into the ocean. Well, there is no ocean near me now, but the swirling thoughts rise up anyway.
I'm a bit too practical to do something that will land me in a psych ward because I want to keep my current job for now and I have 2 pets dependent on me. Still, those nagging thoughts rise up, especially on a blustery night like tonight...and a full moon this week, too.
Maybe I should go howl at the moon. Anyone care to join me? We can have a howling party. My soul is howling.
-MistyView Thread
Flow with the tide,
Spread too thin,
Crying and screaming from within
Lives that haven't begin.
......................,..........
.........................,...
Sitting by the fire place cause it's raining and nasty outside.Fasinated by the different color flames that comes from burning of the logs.And the thought keeps swriling "JUMP IN"View Thread
The up-side is that I'm headed to a friend's house for supper, and so I don't have to figure out any sort of meal tonight. Her husband cooks a special meal (usually) on Friday evenings, and they usually have a few people over. It's a small gathering, but I haven't seen them in a couple of weeks, and I decided to go.
I'm going early so I can just sit and color. She understands. Just in a weird space right now. I think I really need spring to come!!! Had a nice weekend with the weather last weekend, and now it's all dismal again. Now if I could just put my hands on my favorite coloring book...
-MistyView Thread
This afternoon I gave Foxy (my wabbit) some a carrot and a slice of mango, which he always goes crazy for, and left him to eat for awhile. Not long after I looked away from what I was doing and saw Foxy lying on his belly on the floor and I had to do a double take because the fur under his chin was orange! Apparently he is a messy eater because the carrot mixed with mango gave him an orange goatee. It looked so silly I started dying laughing and he jumped up and looked at me like I was nuts.
Yeah, like I said it's just something silly.
RoseView Thread
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