Sexual Abuse Survivors Support Community: Support Group

Fuming mad ~TRIGGER~

TRIGGER (possibly) OK, so I know I am powerless. I also know my past still effects me. As a Mom, Grandma,...

Posted by raerob

4 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Fuming mad ~TRIGGER~ TRIGGER (possibly) OK, so I know I am powerless. I also know my past still effects me. As a Mom, Grandma,...

Having a rough one...

Its been a rough one here, too. Can't remember when I last felt this yucky. Anxiety is through the roof, so...

In helping others we shall help ourselves, for whatever good we give out completes the circle and comes back to us. - Flora Edwards

Posted by Jade2012

4 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Having a rough one... Its been a rough one here, too. Can't remember when I last felt this yucky. Anxiety is through the roof, so...

Uplifting Violin to Soothe the Soul

Hi Everyone, I posted my YouTube video called "2 Minute Memoir" and the below link is to my latest...

Posted by JoannaSingsForYou

0 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Uplifting Violin to Soothe the Soul Hi Everyone, I posted my YouTube video called "2 Minute Memoir" and the below link is to my latest...

Depression

That old black dog of depression has been knocking me down of late; hence, the "boat ride" today. Was a nice...

Posted by TNmist

4 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Depression That old black dog of depression has been knocking me down of late; hence, the "boat ride" today. Was a nice...

Helpless

Right now my mind is like a dark room. Filled uneasy feelings and emotions and loud noises. Wanted to...

Crying Is Like Taking Your Soul To The Laundry Mat!!!!!!!

Posted by Soulkeepers

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Helpless Right now my mind is like a dark room. Filled uneasy feelings and emotions and loud noises. Wanted to...

Tired of the inner battle

I am having the ups and downs of life and I have been in the downward spiral. Having a difficult time with my...

Posted by raerob

I am having the ups and downs of life and I have been in the downward spiral. Having a difficult time with my feelings. All kinds of feelings. Isolating more, either, sad, angry, crying, confused. I even feel bad for others if they see me up and down. I feel like I just can't get a grip at times. As much as my husband uses the term "turn it off like a light switch" only if it were that easy for me. I wish.....

Yesterday I started a post and as I was writing, I cried and cried. I then hit delete instead of post. I was a fraid of what people would think of me for being in downer mode. It's a rollercoaster for me and I really am tired of it. I know some things I need to do or I should do BUT I am in the down mode really bad. I just feel too weak, too tired to deal with anything or anyone, I feel burnt out. I can't escape, I am stuck, I have no way out. I am tired of being taken advantage of but it's my fault because I don't set boundaries, I have trouble saying no. No matter any of the things I may have an issue with I always blame myself in the end because of being up and down with my feelings....I can't seem to get a grip. I am tired of fighting because it just seems like NO ONE listens or understands me.
Why do I want to be heard? Why is it so important to feel as though I am understood.

Growing up, if I was asked a question and answered it wrong ( not what they wanted to hear) I would be punished. This kept me in fear of speaking up. I have spoke up recently with some family members and my words were on the attack mode I was told. mThings were said people were hurt and angry. I was angry, hateful for days, if anyone would of got in my face, I probably would of popped them one. ( this is not me) Now I feel as though everyone would be better off and I would be better off not calling or talking to them as little as possible. therefore comes more isolation.
At this moment, this is my only way to associate and communicate with people until things change in my household. I do not have any other rescources. I have not been anywhere in 2 weeks. It may be months before I get transportation. I feel like I am everyones convienience...........................I am so tired.

Thanks for letting me get it out.

I am my own worst enemy...............................View Thread

Posted by raerob

5 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Tired of the inner battle I am having the ups and downs of life and I have been in the downward spiral. Having a difficult time with my...

I need a boat ride

Mary gave me a great idea recently, so here goes. It's been another rough week, and I could use a boat ride, I...

Posted by TNmist

11 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:I need a boat ride Mary gave me a great idea recently, so here goes. It's been another rough week, and I could use a boat ride, I...

am I losing my mind....please help

I was abused when I was little by my grandfather, I was not the only one. But I was 13 years younger than the...

Posted by raerob

I was abused when I was little by my grandfather, I was not the only one. But I was 13 years younger than the oldest one abused and onother was abused for 13 years and others. As I grew I'd tell myself, I will NEVER let this happen to my children.
When my youngest was 9 now 25, she came to me and told me something about her grandfather, my husbands father. I discussed this with a health professional and they called CPS. A big investigation went forward and by the times the police were sent to question him he had a lawyer already and they did not have enough to go on BUT they in turn arrested my nepwhew at the age of 12/13 for sadomy against my daughter.
I went through hell. no one believed me they said I was a liar, I was evil, I was messed up.........so many things were said against me. We managed to survive that but many years of heart ache and keeping some of my feelings in.
Now I am very uncomfortable with my son-in-law. I get such uneasy feelings from him but not all the time. I worry about my grandaughter who is now 3. What if i am wrong/what if I am right? I do not want an innocent person in trouble. I DO NOT want my grandaughter harmed. How wrong would it be to put a hidden devise in my grandaughters room so I can listen for her at night. My daughter has been working a new night shift job and her husband is home. They live with us. I do not trust my son-in-law at times, there is just something about him. 1 year ago my daughter told me he was on the floor playing with his daughter and she got on the floor and played with them because she was suspicious the way he rolled away, and she found that he had gotten aroused while playing with his daughter. My daughter brought it to his attention at first he denied and said it had a mind of it's own and when he was playing his daughter was bouncing or brushing up against it. He was ashamed and embarrassed.
My daughter wrote about it and got questions and comments to see is it normal. My daughter spoke to me, I called 2 people and we brought my grandaughter to the doctors and had her checked out. Thank God she checked out fine. But i still feel sick at times about this incident. I do not feel this way about everyone BUT some people I get such strong uncomfortable feelings/vibes from...I don't feel comfortable with him giving her a bath or helping her in the potty at times........am I really that messed up? Help me, if my son-in-law is truly innocent ok, fine. But what if there is the slightest chance my feelings I have at times are to be true. God knows I want to protect her. I get the same uneasy feeling from my son-in-laws father too. So is there something wrong with me???? How can I investigate? We know he was aroused once and it was talked about and physical was given. What if it's me?? My mind/my thoughts??? I want to protect her and not give any opportunity for anyone to harm her. I am powerlessView Thread

Posted by raerob

8 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:am I losing my mind....please help I was abused when I was little by my grandfather, I was not the only one. But I was 13 years younger than the...

Homesick/Lonely

I received some pictures from home today... You would think that it would make me happy to get pictures from...

Where there is shadow, there is light.

Posted by BlueRose90

Take the Poll

Anyone know why WebMD is making me post a poll every time I start a discussion??? " class="_mp3rocket_overlay_style" style="left:

6 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Homesick/Lonely I received some pictures from home today... You would think that it would make me happy to get pictures from...

Suspect

Ok so alot of you dont know but 10 months ago I was victimized again. A perfect stranger attacked me in my own...

Posted by AZ330

15 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Suspect Ok so alot of you dont know but 10 months ago I was victimized again. A perfect stranger attacked me in my own...

Surviving Trauma and Writing to Heal

Hi All, I made this YouTube video called "2 Minute Memoir" in order to briefly share my story as...

Posted by JoannaSingsForYou

9 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Surviving Trauma and Writing to Heal Hi All, I made this YouTube video called "2 Minute Memoir" in order to briefly share my story as...

Strange Trigger

Is there anyone else here that can be triggered by a word or phrase? I don't know why but I was taken by...

Where there is shadow, there is light.

Posted by BlueRose90

Take the Poll

What's your favorite color? " class="_mp3rocket_overlay_style" style="left:

8 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Strange Trigger Is there anyone else here that can be triggered by a word or phrase? I don't know why but I was taken by...

Gratitude

I got this idea from one of the girls on the SH board... she puts up a list of things she is grateful...

We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi

Posted by lovely_lemon_tree

4 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Gratitude I got this idea from one of the girls on the SH board... she puts up a list of things she is grateful...

Oh-so tired

hesitate writing this. i'm afraid everyone will tire of my down times. It's just been a very discouraging week...

Posted by TNmist

11 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Oh-so tired hesitate writing this. i'm afraid everyone will tire of my down times. It's just been a very discouraging week...

dissociate

read on another post that some of us dissociate on purpose, i have always done this. however some times i...

Posted by iwanttostop

9 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:dissociate read on another post that some of us dissociate on purpose, i have always done this. however some times i...

Doc anxiety

Okay.... So I started having a bad toothache yesterday and so in about an hour or so I have to go see a...

Where there is shadow, there is light.

Posted by BlueRose90

11 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Doc anxiety Okay.... So I started having a bad toothache yesterday and so in about an hour or so I have to go see a...

Lurking

Lurkdom has taken over.....I see you all I just dont have the energy to respond. Counting down the treatments....

Posted by AZ330

6 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Lurking Lurkdom has taken over.....I see you all I just dont have the energy to respond. Counting down the treatments....

coping at work

I'm finding it difficult to function sometimes at work. I feel like I'm an alien from another planet and if...

Posted by jennycee

8 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:coping at work I'm finding it difficult to function sometimes at work. I feel like I'm an alien from another planet and if...

Different part *****may be trigger*****

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Posted by TNmist

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EMDR

Can someone briefly explain to me in simple terms what EMDR is exactly and how it works? I know I can google...

In helping others we shall help ourselves, for whatever good we give out completes the circle and comes back to us. - Flora Edwards

Posted by Jade2012

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:EMDR Can someone briefly explain to me in simple terms what EMDR is exactly and how it works? I know I can google...

new - now what?

I'm new here. Been in therapy about 3 years, recently participated in EMDR session with my therapist and...

Posted by jennycee

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Questions/Distractions

How is everyone doing today???Today for me will be about distraction. What do you do to distract yourself??? I...

Posted by AZ330

18 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Questions/Distractions How is everyone doing today???Today for me will be about distraction. What do you do to distract yourself??? I...

Repost... TRIGGERS!!!!!!!!!!

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We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi

Posted by lovely_lemon_tree

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Posted: Apr 27, 2009

I became more and more depressed and upset. I even considered going to the counseling center at the school. The classic abusive signs were showing up, but I was too naive to know what was going on. It was always something like, well, wasn't I stupid to like the movie I liked, or only idiots would be friends with my stupid best friend, and wasn't I dumb to like the music I liked, or why don't I do the things he does because they're inherently superior to my contemptuous life. We continued to fight. We fought all the time, almost every time we had contact. I mentioned that maybe it was time for us to split. Then he'd play the "well, then, I guess I have nothing left to live for" card and then promptly disappear off the instant messenger or hang up the phone. I'd call him in a panic, convinced that if he killed himself, the blood would be on my hands. I remember telling myself that I had to hang on until he found someone else to live for.

Somewhere along that spring, he had a severe accident (out of pure recklessness) and totalled his car. He said to me "well, now that I don't have the car anymore I can't come up and visit you. I also have to get a job so I can get a new car." He started working the night shift at a data-entry place. And he met this girl -- Melva. He said to me, "Isn't that a stupid name? And doesn't it remind you of something?" and I said, "What, Melba Toast?" and he said "Yeah, and something else!!" (It turned out to remind him of the word "vulva.") Typical.

Over that Easter break, I caught the bus and came home a day early. And while our parents were all at work, he wanted to do more of the kinky stuff. I resisted and resisted and resisted, but he was insistent. He had it all planned out -- he wanted to try the "golden showers." He was going to do it in the bathtub at his parents' house so there wouldn't be a mess to clean up. He said to me, "Okay, do you want me to do it to you or you to do it to me?" I wanted neither, but I sure as hell didn't want him to do it to me. So I consented. I climbed on top of him, both of us naked in the bathtub, bowed my head, crying inside, and urinated on him. I could feel it running down my legs. He pulled me down on top of him and pushed himself inside me, the urine still between us. "I really liked it," he said to me. I just shook my head. He wouldn't even let me clean up afterwards. I went downstairs to the living room, sat in the sunlight filtering through the blinds, and curled in a ball as he had the luxury of a shower.

As I sit here writing this, I feel so incredibly filthy. There just is no other word to describe it. Is it any wonder that I cut myself in there? Is it any wonder that I want to skin myself alive? Is it any wonder that I want to scream and scream to the point where I could well see myself in restraints or in a padded room -- though the padded room would probably be clawed at with my nails and I'd draw blood from scraping them across my body and face.View Thread

We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi

Posted by lovely_lemon_tree

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Repost... TRIGGERS!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ Posted: Apr...

Oh jeeze ... got triggered again

We attended our DIL father's funeral last Saturday. He was a vet and I was not prepared at all for the 21 gun...

I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.

Posted by MarySings

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Oh jeeze ... got triggered again We attended our DIL father's funeral last Saturday. He was a vet and I was not prepared at all for the 21 gun...

Happy Valentine's Day, Everyone Hope you have a peaceful day <3

In helping others we shall help ourselves, for whatever good we give out completes the circle and comes back to us. - Flora Edwards

Posted by Jade2012

0 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this: Happy Valentine's Day, Everyone Hope you have a peaceful day <3

Goin' In ..........?BIG TRIGGER

Last night was really rough but manage to get through.It was raining and I hate when it do just not last...

WE CAN'T APOLOGIZE FOR WHO WE ARE BUT TO THOSE WHO IS HURT CAUSE OF US!!!!!!!

Posted by Soulkeepers

7 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Goin' In ..........?BIG TRIGGER Last night was really rough but manage to get through.It was raining and I hate when it do just not last...

**Possible trigger** Any similar experiences out ...

I go along for good stretches of time when I feel like I am "normal" - whatever "normal" means, anyway - I...

In helping others we shall help ourselves, for whatever good we give out completes the circle and comes back to us. - Flora Edwards

Posted by Jade2012

0 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:**Possible trigger** Any similar experiences out there? **Possible trigger** ?? I go along for good stretches of time when I feel like I am "normal" - whatever "normal" means, anyway - I...

Hello Everyone

I'm back after a long hiatus:) Is Caprice still on here? I haven't seen any recent posts by her. ??? ~Jade

In helping others we shall help ourselves, for whatever good we give out completes the circle and comes back to us. - Flora Edwards

Posted by Jade2012

12 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Hello Everyone I'm back after a long hiatus:) Is Caprice still on here? I haven't seen any recent posts by her. ??? ~Jade

Sleep

I havent slept in 2 days....too much on my mind.... I close my eyes and cannot sleep. the hours are dragging. Im...

Posted by AZ330

4 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Sleep I havent slept in 2 days....too much on my mind.... I close my eyes and cannot sleep. the hours are dragging. Im...

Gloomy day

I have many ups and downs, and this dark, rainy day here where I live is just getting the best of me. Just going...

Posted by TNmist

17 Replies | Reply | Watch This Discussion Report This | Share this:Gloomy day I have many ups and downs, and this dark, rainy day here where I live is just getting the best of me. Just going...