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I'm not sure who may be in the path of it, but if you are, take care and be safe. I guess that a couple states have all their roads shut down so don't go out unless you have too.
Be safe everyone.
RoseView Thread
and I've managed to push away all the abuse and whatnot
until the anniversary days roll around and puke their guts up all over my psyche whether I want to forget it or not.
I had an anniversary day last week, told my DLS worker about why that was possibly a reason for the upswing I was experiencing in my depression. She said to me "And the sky didn't fall, did it?"
How can the sky fall when it is shattered all over again?View Thread
Young SA victims don't have the advance vocabulary to speak about what is/was going on.
A lot of therapist discount this tool. Others use it open up communications with possible non-verbal parts of clients.
One session my T just spread out a large sheet of paper and we sat on the floor only communicating in drawings.
Some of my memories are hard coded as colors, and temperature extremes.
"how are you today?"
"green"
"So your having the red dreams again?"
"yes"
I like to describe the therapy process as this. A new client shows up and just frantically scribbles black crayon all over the four office walls until they are spent. Making the room black.
They turn to T and ask, "What will healing be like?"
T picks up two small tooth brushes and says, "we clean the walls till enough light shines in to allow you to breath, then we work at clearing enough of the crayon to allow growth. We won't make the walls white again, but we can allow for breathing room and growth until you are at a point of healing that you can just grab a can of paint and cover what remains and make this room your's again."

'Peep' circa late 80's when therapy had returned some sanity to my head.View Thread
There are all kinds of "lonely," isn't there? I feel different kinds of lonely. When I'm trying to keep up with my house and finances I get lonely from having to do everything myself. Then there is the loneliness of knowing I can't be as close to my family as I would like in a perferct world. And sometimes when I'm surrounded by people that's when I feel the loneliest of all.
I'm a middle-aged spinster, and that's a whole 'nother set of "lonely," but let's not go there, LOL. Right now I just could not handle having any sort of intimate relationship (my inner child says, "blech!"). I'm encouraged when I read about people who actually do have a supportive spouse. That's a treasure, I'm sure. For now, I'm better off with my 4-legged kids.
Anyway, I'm glad you came back to the board. Thanks for being here.
MistyView Thread
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The 2 latest flashbacks seemed to have come out of the blue and put me in another tailspin because this time they reveal a second assailant. I was a couple or 3 years younger than this teen, who cornered me 2 different times (that I know of) and raped me, sodomized me. I know tomorrow's appointment will be hard, but at the same time I get such relief when I can dump it in my T's office. I always walk away a little lighter - one less rock out my backpack that apparently I've been carrying around for about 35 years. Even if I just sit and cry it will help.
Sometimes it isn't enough to cry; I need someone to know I'm hurting, and sometimes get angry for me. It gives me dignity to be reassured it wasn't my fault. The closer I get to the appointment time, the younger I feel...
MistyView Thread
Its been a rough week. I am feeling drained. Im trying to be good to myself. Today I went and got me some frozen yogurt. I sat there in the sunshine and enjoyed it. I can't eat much but at least I tried to be good to myself. I do have a nasty head cold. but with meds im starting to dry out. One day at a time. I hope I can sleep....too sick to sleep long periods of time....How is everyone else doing???View Thread
My body says sleep,
My brain says not.
Elusive rest, come back, come back,
To hear your whisper, "Fear not, fear not."
A poet I am not.
Best I can do on the spot.
Tomorrow is today,
Elusive rest, please come, please stay.
(Groan)
MistyView Thread
"If ever there's a tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must remember...You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is even if we're apart I'll always be with you."
Peace to all of you.
MistyView Thread
I'm just wiped out physically and emotionally. I feel guilty because I haven't even really played with Foxy today because I'm so down. He keeps looking at me expectantly but I don't feel like I have the strength to do anything.
RoseView Thread
Now to come up with a signature line, ha.
Doing better today for a change. Trying to make healthy choices.
Have a good evening, everyone.
-MistyView Thread
Mary, you are in my thoughts too, especially because you have been very quiet lately.
-MistyView Thread
Too much in my head.
Only slept 4 hours.
Fortunately it is my day off, and after a couple of obligations this morning I'm now back home. I'm going to go find a nice comfy blanket to wrap up in and go to sleep or just go away in my head or SOMETHING.
Like the old song, "slip-sliding away..."
It is one of those days where I question if going through the pain of KNOWING is worth it. My self-esteem wasn't all that to begin with, and now I feel like I've been stomped on and have to find my way out of an even deeper, darker cave.
-mView Thread
‎( o ) ( o ) biopsy results just phone to me. [br>[br>Benign tumors.[br>[br>Guess you all are stuck with me a while longer.View Thread
- Watchchamacallit
Thingamajigs
Soul seekers
I hope that's enough room for whomever is not in a safe place mentally and emotionally.
I keep having this reoccurring dream that I've never had before.Haven't slept in over 24 hours and it's rather interesting.It's bothering me so much cause I'm awake and I'm having that dream during the day.I feel whole heartly that it's a dream but can't make heads or tails of it.
Lately I have been dreaming a lot but this one happens every night.I keep having a dream of being raped by my father in a grocery store and I never wake up before he does.I'm agitated,restless,angry,and need a mental escape.Don't know what prompted this or why it comes so real like bring the actually feelings with it.
Thanks I guess I just needed to get that out cause it's driving me crazy.There's too many things spinning out and can't get a hold of one before the next one comes reeling.View Thread
Had the two lumps in my boob biopsied yesterday. Should have results wed/thur.
Very sore.
and freaking tired...i've been up nearly two days now, work is killing me with starting on Sat 11 hr shift, Sun 14 hr shift, Monday 10.5 hr shift
So TN yes I have been quiet...its because I'm working like a dog.
Cracking around the edges so taking tonight off by force.
********************* SI TRIGGER *************************
the part of me who self injures really wants to mess with the biopsy incision. But I am being good....and thats hard sometimes.View Thread
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I get the feeling you are not ready to embrace your "inner abused self".
that in a way you are looking for, NEEDING someone to tell you "no you weren't abused"
want... need ...perhaps praying that someone will tell you NOPE no abuse happened to you.
would that make it easier to deal with what you are dealing with? Magically give you the power to sweep it under the rug and return you to your previously scheduled program?
and on the flip side it also sounds like you need someone to confirm that you were abused, that you do not trust your own instincts.
If a student came to you and described the same info in your first post to you, what would you tell them?
You already know the answer. Your just to afraid to say it allowed.
Is it because of the stigma?
Is it because of the sense of string pulling? ie: if i tug at this little string, everything will come unravelled and fall apart and I fear that I would never get it all back together again.
Healing from SA is like leaping out of an airplane without a parachute. You just decide one moment to go for it and you leap.
Its scary as hell and you feel like you are going to fall forever, but as you face it you realize you have wings and you can fly and you will land safely.
...for some of us we are buckled in our seats on the plane and suddenly with a loud BAM the whole side of the plane rips off and we are sucked out and sent spinning through the cold air.
Others leap with the coaxing of a therapist in a tandom leap, and once the hand hold on the plane is released they plumit down fast as the weight of all the baggage they carry. The therapist helps them shed the baggage and guides them in for a smooth landing.
How ever you get set on the path to healing doesn't matter. SOMETHING in your life lead you hear and is begging for your attention.
Listen to it.
and if you really need a second opinion. (which you don't, yours is all that matters) Then yes you were abused.View Thread
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For an entire year last year, I was getting flashbacks about childhood sexual abuse all at the hands of the father. I didn't know any of that existed in my childhood. I've been devastated for a whole year and have finally decided to believe what my mind is telling me. I really, really need 2013 to be better than last year. I could hardly function for a lot of the year.
Now for the past couple of weeks I haven't been doing that great emotionally. Then this morning, wham-o! Two FBs in a row about being sodomized by an older teen in my school when I was a kid, in 2 different locations, so I know it happened at least twice. Seriously???? Another perp??!
And now I wonder if there were others somehow! How much has my mind concealed from me??
I have been struggling all day to stay present and do my job, but I really just want to go disappear for awhile. I don't even know where I go in my head. I'm just gone.
I just can't take another year like last year. :*(
-MistyView Thread
I have been really up and down lately, and some days I don't think I can stand where I'm at in life for another moment. I was just talking with a couple of other members who have felt similarly, so I thought perhaps we could get a list going here. Unfortunately I tend to escape by sleep or eating, and sleeping may be good because my sleep schedule is awful, but my eating habits are not the best idea for self-soothing, and I'm looking at trying to establish better habits.
Would love to hear what others do that works for them. Thanks.View Thread
IM SO ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED!!!! I JUST WANT TO YELL,SCREAM AND CRY. I HAVE NO OUTLET RIGHT NOW.
Im so depressed. No relief in sight....View Thread
Adding a trigger label because the strong emotions the subject can pull up.
Childhood sexual abuse has a funny way of assigning equal blame to everyone involved, not just the perpetrator...but to those who did not rescue or protect as well.
And that is a subject worth peeking into.
This post was from several years ago, its not directly pointed at anyone here currently. I am not editting out the parts that were for another member. You never know what your soul needs to hear.View Thread
As for "forgetting," I don't believe we are meant to forget that someone (or many!) are not safe to be around and/or are not safe to have our children be alone with, etc. For example, say someone who stole from you in the past now moves in next door to you. He or she asks for forgiveness of his or her past deeds and claims to be a changed person. You may forgive their past, but a wise person will still have locks on their doors and some sort of security system in place, at least until this person's current actions and lifestyle make it clear to you that he or she has, indeed, changed and is no longer a thief.
Forgetting doesn't mean that we are supposed to be vulnerable to more harm in our lives. If someone comes to me and asks for forgiveness about harming me in the past, that doesn't mean our relationship is instantly repaired. If someone is truly sorry for their actions, I will know by their actions moving forward.
Ultimately, at the end of time, God will only save those who are safe to save in his kingdom. That means, in heaven (and in the New Earth eventually), ALL my neighbors will be perfectly safe (not to mention that I will be safe to live around, too), and no locks will be needed. Hurray.
I hope that helps in some way. I don't want to turn this into any sort of spiritual debate or anything; I'm just offering my perspective.
Peace of heart to you,
-MistyView Thread
Now I think I'm going to just imagine myself near a warm, crackling fire in a nice, big rocking chair with a quilt wrapped around me, a trusty old teddy bear tucked under one arm, perhaps, and a steaming cup of hot chocolate on a side table nearby, and lose myself in a favorite childhood book. Maybe I'll throw in a great big guard dog resting at my feet, but ever alert, just for good measure.
There is other comfortable furniture, quilts, and stuffed animals in this room for anyone who also wants to sit quietly with me and just be. I'll keep the pot of cocoa warm for you, too, and my guard dog knows who my gentle friends are and will welcome you with a wag of her tail, I'm sure.
-MistyView Thread
Biopsy schedule for 28th. sigh. 6 days of chances for me to freak out about the cost and cancel. They should do these things like the wild kingdom, were they just hunt you down, bag you and haul you off and do it, then release you back into the wild.View Thread
My sister started cutting herself and acting out sexually, but again, nobody talked about it. We stopped going to extended family gatherings because my dad refused to take us there. I am grateful for that, but the rest of our family acted like nothing happened even though this cousin molested several other cousins and his own siblings. Still, nobody did a thing. I am angry at the lack of action. None of the adults did anything to help any of us and they had the power to do so. How could they let all of us down like that? I makes me sick to my stomach to think about it.
We are all adults now and still nobody talks about it. It's the big sexual abuse secret that everybody is trying to protect. They want to keep it between the family, but I can't keep quiet about it anymore. It's stressful and just plain wrong! I am angry and have major trust issues. Recently, I found out that my mom was molested by her brother. Obviously, the sexual abuse in my family is generational. I have pulled myself away from my extended family to keep myself safe, but I sometimes feel very alone even though I am married and have children. I don't have many people to talk to about this and I feel like I'm the only one going through this although I'm sure I'm not.
I am still very angry about the events that transpired and how my extended family treated my sister, how they treated us. I don't want anything to do with them, but I sometimes get badgered by my extended family or my parents to attend family gatherings and I don't understand them.
My parents didn't protect my sister or the rest of us and even though they acknowledge the bad job they did with the sexual abuse, they do not acknowledge how physically and emotionally abusive they were to my siblings and I. I don't trust them. I often ask myself how could they could love us and still treat us/let this happen? Will there ever be a point where I'm at peace? I know they cannot give me what I am looking for (a loving, compassionate, caring family), but I have a hard time giving up hope. Any ideas on how to cope with something like this?
View Thread
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