Feeling so lonely. **Shyly waves at all the lurkers, hoping there are many out there who just aren't able to post for one reason or another.**
Plops down on the floor with finger paint and paper and stares and stares hoping for inspiration or something. Can't decide what she is feeling but has no words either. What's left? Colors. The colors will decide what she is feeling...the colors will speak for her this evening...She decides on deep purple. A page full of deep purple tears. -Misty-girlView Thread
Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley
I'm in dire need of a boat ride outing where I can enjoy slightly cooler temps out on the water, lean over the side and let my hand drift through the wake as the wind catches the sails and blows me along away from my worries and cares back in reality. I choose a large sailboat because then I don't have the drone of a motor to trigger me as this is the perfect day with partly cloudy skies and a regular breeze to keep us going wherever we want to go. The water is a beee-yooo-tiful blue, relaxing and calming. The breezes gives it a slight chop, but it's still very pretty..I see dolphins not too far away, too!
It's summer now, and I brought a watermelon and ice for whatever drinks show up...Egg salad sandwiches, too.
Anyone else want to join me? Bring whatever you like!
Just in dire need to drift away for awhile, and what better way to do it than by surrounding myself with those who understand.
(Insert big, beautiful white sailboat picture here! Wish I could copy one in, but I don't have any way of doing that.)
Just in the aggravation phrase and need to get this out.DON'T NEED ANY COMMENTS.I believe of going to right to the source and not to anyone else.
My anger is full of emotions and I'm tired of playing pin-the-on me.Right now I'm trying to put the conversation out of my mind but it's been laid out for tonight.Don't remember how the topic came up at work but I had to say what was in my heart cause it was paining me.On hand I figured W made those statements cause they have never been in that position before and then on that same note words of such shouldn't leave her brain.
Work is a place of business and there are certain things that shouldn't be talked about.I try to stay away from others who like to talk but this conversation,I was closer than I needed to be.A few statements were made that got my attention.It was hard to get through but the more I thought about it,it made me angry.I know that what this person said shouldn't get to us like that but on that same note it hit to close to home.
Got into an argument with this for the things they said and I strongly suggested that you shouldn't talk about something you know nothing about.They were making light of the of people who are being/have been abused.
A person have been abused only claim that after the accuser wants nothing else to do with them.
Don't dress like a hoe if you don't want to be treated like one.
people don't get rape,it's just two people engaging in rough sex.
If a woman calls rape or claim to have been abuse they should be ashamed of themselves.
Others go around lying on innocent people for attention.
At that moment felt like fifty devils jumped inside of me.I had to ask this question cause I couldn't keep it in.What about the sweet innocent kids that get hurt by someone abusing them?
This person response was,well kids have a wild imagination and they are always making up stories.They have a hard time with what's real or not to them.You can't believe what a child said or say about someone.I got so emotionally but I had to fight to hold them back and with everything I had in me.I asked her have she ever been abused ? She said NO and I walked away.Because her thoughts were played by being arrogant.View Thread
MAKE EVERY YESTERDAY A DREAM OF HOPE AND TOMORROW A DREAM OF HAPPINESS!!!!!!!
can't sleep my littles are all stirred up and not feeling safe. We dreampt last night about Caprice. She was dead in our dream. this means my littles are done grieving her loss. They have declared her dead and she is now just a memory like so many others.
They really want to post but are forbidden too. (they were mistreated on the other board and may never post here again.) I need to find an outlet for them to speak.
life right now is a skinning me alive. my fathers birth family wants to get back in our lives and I am just so torn up about it. they have no idea how messed up I am, how i am not worth getting to know.
multiple health issues, I out grew all my work clothes in a 4 day period. I ready need to go to the doctor and have this edema addressed. I have a weeks vacation coming the first week in June. I REALLY need this week off I am soooooo bleeping fried. I need to recharge my batteries. I have not had a week off in at least 5 years.
...and we are expecting the state survey team to show up any day. wanna bet they come that week I am supost to be off? I am the only one who does some things at work. If they show up I will have to work.
They were supost to show up last month. uuggh. I really really need a break, I am so fired I am making errors and I can't tolerate that.
we need something tonight and we don't know what, I was in bed twisting my big burn scar, now my arm is hurting. Don't want to injure to deal with this state of mind.
why does connecting with my cousins trigger this uneasy panic in me? I only met them once. but it stires a familiar panicy fear. I met them in 1972 the year before the huge loss of memories in my past.
just rambling, no reply needed. took some medication and staying up till I feel it. If I try to sleep in this stage I will trigger the "red" dreams.
in my dream about Caprice her last word to me was, Breathe.
Not only did I read her word in the dream I heard her voice. It woke me up.
we are just feeling so lost tonite, lost an little. very little.View Thread
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
Having a internal conversation cause we seem to be on the same page at the moment.And are the only ones that can tolerate ourselves when no one else can.Most times it's like I'll tolerate you long enough to hear what you have to say but don't give a flip about how you really feel or what cause you to feel that way.
we have created a safe place here to speak right?
Quis i don't think this is the place or the time
Quiet okay if not now then when?
Well what about never and a day
alright the idea of this is to share something one doesn't know about the other.I'll give you something that's not to difficult to speak/write about.The rest of the gang knows of this but not you cause you turned on the deaf ear.I'll give you the short version of it cause it's real late and we need some sleep.
The system knows about J but what you don't know is he wasn't the first one and because of the incident that happen I associate myself with an animal. Also the reason for the tearful and sleepless nights,reaching for alcohol and everything else.I still carry personal shame,pressing pressure and pain.Doing those things keeps the body from screaming but at the same time traumatizing the body by my own actions.With the secrecy and denial surrounding this but when that card was place on the car by you know who that cause it to be brought up again.
Okay the first one I wasn't that far along when the mom found out and she had time to do something about it.No one knew and I never told anyone anything cause I knew to keep my mouth shut or else.I was giving something to drink but don't know what.We waited for a while and then I had then worst pain going through me that I couldn't explain. Freaking out as to not knowing what was going on or what was about to happen.A little while after that I went to the bath room and I thought I had to go but that wasn't it.
I felt something and starting screaming.She ran in and told me to shut up before he hears me.Never saw or felt anything like it before in my life.After the drop I got and made the mistake of looking back and I just fell to the floor.This crazy woman scooped it out and started yelling at me saying YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID........GOD IS NOT HAPPY WITH YOU OR THIS AND YOU'RE GOING TO HELL FOR IT..............Here I am laid out on the floor and all she can do is hollar at me about something I can't wrap my mind around.Thinking to myself when is this s*** gonna end wishing I would just die to get away.Confuse as I stare up at her wondering why and how she could do that.
Now QUIET AND ALL there's a lot between here and there.But what this witch did after is to disturbing even for me and I don't think y'all can stomach it without tossing your cookies.Maybe a little later and you can share something as well.When I say these people is as evil as they come I truly whole heartly stress that.I said I was gonna give the short but didn't but had a lot to say.I apologize and it's two am so let's get some sleep and start fresh.
"THE SAME STRENGTH THAT IT TOOK TO TAKE IT,IS THE SAME AMOUNT OF STRENGTH THAT IT TAKES TO LET IT GO".
Q & Q AND THE REST OF SOULKEEPERS...........View Thread
Crying Is Like Taking Your Soul To The Laundry Mat!!!!!!!
I reek at juggling. Juggling what, you may ask? Ummm, LIFE. Trying to get "caught up" with some bills...feel like I'm in a canoe without a paddle, now my canoe has sprung a leak, and a tin can I have to help bail out has holes in it...the water is carrying me who knows where. I feel it's all useless.
How do singles out there do it? Some people look like they have their act together, and maybe some of them do. I don't. I can't get "caught up" with housework, yard work, maintenance/upkeep, de-cluttering, bill paying, meal planning...just everything. I just don't get how some people can juggle all that.
I work full time, deal with depression, deal with my "past," have 2 pets (for which I'm thankful they aren't human children), have duties at church..I mean, the list just never ends.
Today, for example, is a wonderful day outside weather-wise, a little cooler than normal, brilliant blue sky, and all I want to do is go take a nap...The back yard needs mowing, the hedges need trimming out front. Some blessed day I need to tackle actual weeding, and I wish I had the energy to put a few flowers out and about, but I never seem to even get close to THAT.
I feel like such a frickin' failure. A total Loser. Honestly, I do understand why people spiral down to suicidal thinking. I go there a lot myself, but I haven't acted on those thoughts for, oh, 20 years or so, but they still nag at me...like today. I just wish I didn't have to deal with life, and that's just normal life, what to eat (that's healthy), is the laundry caught up (is it EVER?). I need some things at the store but have no energy to shop - UGH.
So, screw the blue sky and cooler weather...I'm going to take a nap...I know I'll feel guilty later, but I don't know how to deal with that either. Can't win.
YOU DON'T NEED TO SAY ANYTHING AND IF YOU US TO STOP PLASTERING OUR SMUT ON HERE JUST SAY IT.THE GUY THAT SAID "TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION" KNEW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT.
DON'T GET CAUGHT IN THE STORM CAUSE YOU MIGHT COME OUT WITH BRUISES.
DON'T PLAY IN THE DARK CAUSE YOU COULD GET HURT.I THINK THERE'S A MISS PRINT ON THIS BOTTLE CAUSE IT SAYS 110% PROOF BUT IT HASN'T HIT ME YET.ALREADY STARTED ON THE SECOND ONE AND I'M JUST CHILLIN.NOT SUICIDAL BUT CHILLIN REALLY MELLOWED OUT SORT OF.
IF THERE'E OPTIONS THEN I DON'T WANT THEM.EVEN WILL POWER HAS IT'S LIMIT.I'M BAD AND IT SHOWS WELL GUESS SOMEONE SHOULD WHILE THE REST ARE TRYING TO BE GOOD.
MAYBE I'LL PAST OUT BEFORE I FINISH THIS BOTTLE OR BEFORE THE NEXT ONE......................
I sent an email to my Pastor, telling him that I needed a driver to take me to KC tomorrow to see Dr.B. He sent my email to all who have provided email addresses.
Church is at 10:30 - about three hours from now.
Not one person has contacted me. No one.
I told Albert I was not ever going put myself 'out there' again. Rejection feels like Abandonment which is the greatest fear I have. I have told Albert often how I hate this town. They all think I am crazy.
I was thinking a little while earlier today that I should put some kind of distraction action up here but I was taking awhile to try to figure out what... In the meantime something happened over here that started a flood of emotions that I wasn't really prepared for or expecting.
Some days I just wonder if my being "sent here" isn't some kind of torture. It sure as heck feels like it right now. I'm not trying to be dramatic or anything... I just really wish I wasn't here and that FOR ONCE my family would listen to me when I'm trying to explain something to them, especially when it's important. So tired of it.
Sorry, I guess that I just needed to put that out there. No need to reply or anything.
Ever feel like you can't stand being in your own skin another moment? I'm feeling antsy, stressed, depressed, abandoned, misunderstood, angry, just everything, it seems. I feel like my soul is being crushed, and no one cares or even notices. My life is such a waste. I'm tired of this life sentence.
How do I become someone else because I hate being me? I hate it.
I'm in pain, but since I'm not bleeding, I guess it doesn't count. Doctors are stupid. The pain is just crushing my soul today.
Thanks for listening. You don't need to reply. I just needed to vent.
My sister has stopped visiting our mother when she found out that my mother helped set up time for my father to molest me.
On Friday I suggested that my sister and I make a mother's day visit Saturday morning.
A BAD DECISION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We walked into the nursing home and she was in a group of ladies watching tv. My sister put her hand on our mothers' shoulder. My mother snapped her head around and said 'who are you'. My sister told her that we were making a mother's day visit and we had a small corsage for her. Our mother said 'I don't know about mother's day and I will not let you put a stupid flower on me. Take your hand off me and don't touch me again. Now get out of here. NOW! GOODBYE!' We were rather stunned with her behavior. For the last 2 years she was pleasant.
We left the tv area and went to find the RN in charge. My sister asked when did our mother made a 180degrees into a bossy and demanding person. He told us that it happened a few weeks. She went to bed peacefully and the next morning she had turned into a monster. We asked if this was just a phase of her dementia and he said it was typical. We asked if there was a possibility she would return to her pleasant behavior. He said it was not likely. He also said he was surprised when she began to fight with the nursing staff and patients. He said if we want to come visit again, don't get too close because she was hitting everyone and anyone.
I walked out the door and had a melt down. My sister held me while I cried. She said she wasn't sure she would return and she said that I should never return.
I'm struggling with chronic lower back pain AND out-of-control fibromyalgia pain. Now I am sliding into a deep depression again. I just can't escape it any more.
I feel so alone.
I want to die. I want to escape the pain in my heart.
My name is Megan, I'm 24.... Thought I had put everything behind me and moved on. But lately I've been having a hard time dealing with...everything. It's been that long since my estranged husband (not estranged at the time) raped me, and it's affecting me more now than it ever has. His "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" excuse irritates me more than ever. But doesn't hurt as much as the "I felt like sex was all I was good for, I guess it was some kind of payback. I don't know, I don't remember, I was drunk." He always complains about how he could never be with anyone else and is afraid to touch another woman because I've given him a complex...so sometimes I just have sex with him but I always end up in so much pain that I'm shoving him off of me. The last time he got so angry with me. I don't know what he wants from me. He makes me feel guilty for having trouble dealing with something he did to me. Drunk or not. I understand that I can't hold it against him forever especially because of our child, and I do my best not to, but seriously if I could just stop the memories and the physical and emotional pain I would. I can't be with anyone. It hurts too much. I can't even have my yearly exam done without having a panic attack. If I could do something to forget I would, but it's in my head everyday. All day, everyday. The sounds, the things he said to me, my son's little 8 month old eyes watching, him crying for me, the smell of the alcohol. I feel out of control most days and when I feel like that I crave anything to make me feel better but I have to be responsible for my child so I just bottle it all up. I feel like I'm ready to lose it. The last time I felt like this was 2 years ago I took 17 of my 40 mg antidepressants. I just had to forget. I would never do that again but I pray and beg God to just let me forget. I see my husband everyday. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just forget but each passing day the memories and the feelings...everything is just getting worse!!View Thread
How is everyone doing?? Hope everyone is taking care of themselves and hopefully getting some decent weather and can enjoy a little springtime. I just wanted to say hello and encourage folks to check in if possible.
I don't have anything great or dismal to report, so I guess that's a good thing. I just finished 2-1/2 hours of mowing, and I am BEAT. My back is hurting me, but I'll be okay by morning. I took a 10-min break when my push mower ran out of gas. I drank a bunch more water, put a cold, wet dish towel behind my neck for a few minutes, then I gassed up the mower and kept going. See? Nothing exciting in my world, but that's a good thing!
I'm hoping to relax with a book tomorrow afternoon. (Fridays and Saturdays are my "weekend.") Also hoping to see a friend tomorrow evening, but it's okay if that doesn't happen.
I saw my PCP today, and I got a 'script for Wellbutrin. I caved and decided I needed some help for the depression. Despite it being spring and doing outdoor work, the depression hangs on. I used to take it for many years, and it wasn't working AS well towards the end, but it's been about a year now since I've taken it, so I'm hoping it will work okay again.
My PCP was asking me some questions related to depression. I'm sure he was just making sure I wasn't suicidal. He asked me if I had any relationship problems. Almost laughed at that one. WHAT relationships??? My family relationships are the best they are going to be, and it's not terrible; I just don't confide deep stuff. I live alone with a couple of pets and for now prefer it that way (shrugs shoulders), and I'm okay with my current friends, etc.
I mean, there was a super close friend that ditched me over a year ago, and that still hurts, but I can't do anything more about it. It's a long story; I'll spare you the details. I sure never saw that coming, but there isn't anything more I can do, and I'm not going to stalk her, ha. I miss her kids, too, though. They were like nieces to me. I knew them their whole lives, and one will graduate high school next year. Sigh.
He asked about "relationships," and it got me to thinking, I guess.
Well, I've RAMBLED on long enough...Hope everyone has a good weekend. Stay safe and keep on that healing journey!
Thought by now the mum would stop doing stupid s*** but not hardly.Came out the seven eleven to find pictures on the car and we know who done it cause T saw her.Wanna be being stuff like that and thinks it's alright but I think it's cold and heartless.When trying to go about the right way wee are always told don't say or do anything to her.But whose telling her to stop doing dumb stuff that is sure to hurt other people.
Everyone has a breaking point and I'm about to crack.Knock her clean off her shoulders no BS.It's bringing up a lot of crap that we don't have time to deal with.This mess look,feel,smell and taste bad and now have to go to work with all of this in tow.Got about an hour to disconnect the brain from this mess and focus on work or snap.Feel like the system doesn't care until you do something crazy and then they wanna play hero.
Thought the mum,ex and dad by this time would have found some new hobbies.
Been crying my eyes out today. Just too many financial hassles. I'm such a dope when it comes to money. Will I ever learn? I'm in such a jam. Just makes me want to disappear. I'm beat, whipped...I've had it. I GIVE already!!!
People keep telling me how wonderful it is that I have my own home, and I do relish the privacy, I do, but sometimes it's just so overwhelming, too.
case manager meeting. insisted on calling the crisis team. hospitalized. full-dress panic/flashback/psychotic break crying and screaming curled in a ball on the floor 10 mg Haldol 62 hours inpatient. released. picked up friend's BF zipped up North. helped friend move/clear out apartment. zipped back down, with cats in tow put cats in boarding facility put friend and BF and bus to Omaha must put cats on plane to Omaha on Saturday
exhausted. sad. should still be hospitalized.View Thread
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
No Response Needed I Know How Wrapped Up People Have Been Lately.
Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Took my time and wrote out a long post exposing myself.To the point of feeling bare and it took one hell of a combination to do that.Really dropped below the neck on this one speaking from the heart and not just my head.
This was just meant to be or many reasons.I don't know why but no one needs to know the story.Don't think it'll happen again in this life or maybe it doesn't matter. I love how things pan out sometimes and throw us for a loop.Maybe it wasn't meant to be shared,something so raw to be put out there.
Burning both end of the candle is exhausting but we know how this goes.I think myself for being a dummy and a screw up with the situation at hand.Maybe i'll go buy a bird and teach it how to talk I heard animals are good company.
I think I hear crickets...Just wanted to write a little note. Am thinking healing thoughts toward everyone. Hope folks are staying safe and taking care of themselves. This has been a long day, for some reason, and I'm looking forward to my weekend (Fri/Sat).
I don't have anything special to say. I just want to wave hello at everyone.
AZ - don't forget to let us know when your last chemotherapy is done! We need a party around here. Can't wait.
Rose - A friend of mine recently was recommended L-Tryptophan (sp?) by her doctor for sleep, and you really have to watch what brand to get an honest amount, but she swears by it!
ADD links with maladaptive daydreaming/catfishing
by Rhondae Â» Tue Apr 30, 2013 10:23 pm
Posted by An_251723
ADD links with maladaptive daydreaming/catfishing
by Rhondae Â» Tue Apr 30, 2013 10:23 pm
Hey everyone I'm new here.
I'm a female and 21.
Appreciate anyone who manages to bear with the long post.
Had all the symptoms of someone with ADD and what seems to be called maladaptive daydreaming (not diagnosed however) for as long as I can remember and I'd just like to request some insight into some things as I really can't face a therapist - though I visited my gp once, concerning my levels who said they'd refer me to a specialist but didn't.
I was abused once by an older male and coincidentally for a period of time by two older females as a child though my family remain unaware. The abuse from the females however took place by them grooming me into believing we were playing a game where I'd have to pretend to be 'their husband' and from the ages of 6-10 after initial resistance they got their ways (separate people/periods).
I spent a few teenage & some adult yrs somehow getting caught up into 'catfishing' across 4 different online identities (3males 1female) one at a time. They started off as just light anonymous chat with no intention of escalating then found myself having to backstory who i 'was' and ended up in intense relationships (sounds crazy online but completely possible). Messed up i know, not proud of it, beat myself up about this for ages. Also just to note I did this while juggling a perfectly what seemed to be 'normal' life as in friends,social,now&then relationships(never at the same time though),education,career etc.
Anyway finally ended the last one (always found a way to end one due to guilt eventually) but feel severe withdrawal symptoms and some anxiety i'm almost not sure what 'myself' is anymore. I realise that this covers numerous things so may find it beneficial to search elsewhere as well for an allrounded response.
So my questions to this section are:
Have any of you ever found yourself a 'catfish' or Maladaptive Daydreaming at any point in life?
Could this potentially be linked to my experiences as a child?
If I really dig deep into my subconscious I feel as though those things were maybe a way of me justifying what I went through and making it seem somewhat even 'normal' to the point where I may be vulnerable to becoming disassociated.
And just in general any thoughts/help/advice please?
I need to vent. I am in college and just about to get my Master's degree in psychology. In classes we sometimes discuss some very emotional issues, and tonight we discussed pedophilia. It is a psychology and law class so we discuss the impact of psychology on decisions within the courtroom. Tonight somebody brought up that there is research showing that children who disclose and go through the court system actually are more traumatized then those who don't. Now, I am very familiar with research methods and how to access articles, etc/, but this research finding really floored me and made me frustrated and angry. The professor was agreeing that the research does indeed find this evidence. I became upset in the classroom and was arguing with people who were saying that children are resilient and have the ability to be okay without disclosing or getting support from others. I think of my own experience and those of countless others who either didn't disclose or disclosed and weren't believed and how traumatized and pained that we are and don't understand this other mentality. I understand that the court system can be traumatizing, but I don't understand how not disclosing and dealing with it on your own is supposedly better. What do others on here think?View Thread
So... I've been sitting in front of my computer for a rather long time now... trying to figure out how to write this. There's been something bothering me for about a week now and after some encouragement to get it out I thought I would try to write it out. I've honestly never told anyone this...
I don't want to trigger anyone but there are some possible trigger things in here.... ************************************************************************************************************************
After I had told my parents what happened to me when I was a child and then abuse from another when I was older ... that finally stopped about 2 years ago... (I know I haven't gone into detail about my past on here yet so bear with me.) my dad told me something that through me for a loop. My oldest sister was abused by someone at her school when she was about 9 or 10. It was a completely different person than had hurt me and more than 10 years apart. (She was 17 years old when I was born.) I was looking at the one picture that I have of her last week and I just started to fall apart right there. As of late I've been struggling to keep moving forward and to keep working on healing. And... well I've said here before that I struggle with "dark thoughts" of hurting myself and while I was looking at her photo I came so close to doing something I would have regretted.
You see... my oldest sister committed suicide when I was 8 years old... I never got the chance to know her very well because she moved out of the house when I was a toddler and then lived out of state. I only have three memories of my sister total... We never found out what exactly had driven her to do it... or at least I was never told because I was so young... but I know that she had tried it several times before. I remember that night my parents got the phone call from her husband so vividly. My mom started crying on the phone with him and suddenly I just knew before she said anything out loud. Though old that pain still feels fresh.
Remembering that pain saved my life twice when I was still going through the abuse... The only thing that kept me from following in her footsteps was the memory of the pain that it had caused me and my family. I vowed that I wouldn't hurt anyone else that way. I couldn't cause my family that pain again. Not again. But still those thoughts fester in the back of my head, that if she wasn't strong enough to deal with everything that had happened to her then maybe I'm not strong enough either.
All that pain went through me again while I looked at her picture and has sent me down to a dark place. This is the short version... I know it's probably choppy and maybe it doesn't even make any sense. I've been sobbing and my brain hurts.I have to step away from the computer for awhile and try to pull myself together. I'm just venting...
I've been hearing a theme lately, it seems, and I would like to start a discussion on reasons why we should keep working on healing and moving forward rather than giving up and slipping into a fog or "insanity," even.
I just posted this in another discussion: Here is one reason why I believe it is worth fighting for healing and sanity: I've come to realize that the whole abuse situation robbed me of my voice, my right to be heard and believed and I could never make my own decisions. It was like I was a robot. I don't want to give up my right to make my own decisions! Learning to set boundaries, saying, "No," without guilt or retribution - this is all awesome to me...That's just off the top of my head.
I would love to here from everyone else. I don't want anyone to give up! I know some days and weeks and even months we feel like it, but please don't.
Here is a promise from God that has helped me, and I hope you find comfort with these words, too:
"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and he will strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord." Taken from Psalms 27. I like the whole chapter, actually.
Do you ever feel like you just need to cleanse your psyche of what's going on in it because things keep growing in it, like cancerous lesions? It's a process similar to that of elimination and/or defecation... going to the bathroom and sitting over the toilet day after day to let out the waste products that build in our bodies because otherwise they will poison us?
My case manager wants to sit on on a therapy session. Mind you, my case manger I have had in my life for nearly a year now. I am a bit more open with her about my past than I am with my therapist, who I've only had around since January. My case manager wants to make sure that I'm telling my therapist about the things I "should" be telling her about... "opening" up to her about the things I "should" be opening up to her about...
I want to hang my head at the shame of what has happened.
I want to hide.
I want to scream and cry and tear myself to bits until I never can put Humpty Dumpty together again!
The horror of it all...
Nightmarish quality of it ...
I remember being at the hospital one summer (during one of my many, many admissions) and the reason I was there was because it was an anniversary date of a particularly bad abuse event... the psychiatrist wanted to know what was bothering me so I told him. He said bluntly to me "That wasn't rape. That was two teenagers fooling around." I came out of his office blindsided and crying, clawing at my face, screaming that I was going to kill myself... it earned me a one-to-one observation for more than a week.
I (perhaps unwisely) have read a post down the page marked "TRIGGERS." ... and I, too, have injured myself there. I have scraped until I was dripping dark, viscous blood. I have cut until the blood flowing out of me could have easily passed as a period. I had to go to the emergency room one time because I made the mistake of telling someone once about what I did. They examined me and I cried the whole time and they didn't bat an eyelash. It turned out that I had cut my cervix. I don't know what other damage there ever was... or if there was permanent damage. They did put me on antibiotic and give me a tetanus shot.
God I hate this.
I hate this.
Easier to descend into madness than to face the truth of what has really happened.View Thread
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
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