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Oh hahahahahahahhaaaa! HA!
well I found a way to stop the flashback cold. Though I must say it wasn't very healthy. Sat I went on a stress induced 4 hour SIV-a-thon and taDA!!! no more flashbacks since sat.
grrrrrrrr. I totally didn't handle this upsurge of memories very well. I did tell hubby but I don't think I stressed enough how much in danger I was.
so now we wait as the dissocitive buffer of fresh SIV fades, and hopefully next round with the memories won't end so bloody.
I feel very ten tonight. laughing inside our joke about 10-4 that when we used it it was a true statement there were 4 ten year olds with in me.
tcosView Thread

I agree those things are bad and prey on people. bleah....View Thread

Parenting with DID, and what it is like.
This will have to short today I am all over the scale and not doing well today. If you need more I will elaborate anotherday when not under seige from the past.
I am lucky enough to have a loving husband to help me parent. I cannn't imagine doing this alone. my kids are 4 & 8.
Let me tell you what just happened this morning.
my daughter wanted boiled eggs for breakfast. I put them onthe stove ste the timer and was ambushed by a flashback and my attention was elsewhere.
It wasn't until the THIRD egg expoloded in the boiled dry pan that I returned to the present.
(deleted) like that scares the crap out of me. No one in my system was mentally present in the here and now.
My kids are older now, they can fend for themselves. But it wasn't always so. I can recall quite a few time they ate peanut butter on a spoon for dinner becasue that is all my littles knew how to make.
My system was co-concsious and in COMPLETE agreement on the subject before we had babies. Above all we thought long and hard on these two subjects.
1. Can we nurtiure and raise this baby free of abuse. Can we do a better job then our mother?
2. system must be in 100% agreement that this baby will be protected from abuse and above all the effects of abuse on me. ALL internals must be on board and in agreement that they will protect this baby, and raise it when they are topside.
Its hard to parent for anyone. More so when you are not mentally well.
A baby's needs come before yours. There is no down time. its a relentless 24/7/365 day schedule for the next 18 years. There is no, "oh hold on baby I will feed you and change your diaper when I'm topside again in three days."
It can be done. Many do it.
There is no greater gift a parent can give a child then to say, I want whats best for you. I am not capable of doing that. I am giving you to someone else who can do that. That to me is unselfish love. If your heart is leaning towards adoption, then listen to it.
I had to ask myself some hard questions like: how can you raise a healthy child when you yourself are not healthy? How will you teach the baby to healthyily express emotions when your yourself can't do it. etc etc etc.
One thing I found was that genetic driven MUSTHAVEBABYORIWILLNOTBE COMPLETE feeling, left after I had my son. That intesity of desire will not be there aftere the baby is born. Its a species teaser that lures women into having offspring to keep the species alive.
TcosView Thread

open up the phone book to councilers and see whats there. Most will advertize that they are trained in sexual abuse recovery.View Thread

It sure is Caprice. I have always thought I was fractured since the begining of time. I can recall Ste there as early as 5 years old. but it wasn't him. Its just the buzzy detatched dissocitive haze you dematerilize into as you check out this reality. Ste didn't jell into having a name/face until I was 10.
some searching is revealing that 8 is when the fractures really took hold and I stopped mearling dissoiating and crossed the line into full blow DID.
Jackie says she is 6, but delving into the time line and such reveals her to be 12. She regressed to age 6.
I am doing better tonight by playing detective and analizing the data being burped up vs being SA survior beign bombarded with flash backs. (another trick taught to me to keep the flood from capsizing my boat.) Once catalogued I can process them.View Thread

Its very common for repressed stuff to come bubbing up from your subconsious when you see kids in the general age range/similair circumstances, of when you were abused.
In certain situations charges can still be filed. Some states have riders that indicate a victum of repressed stuff can file charges even though the statues of limitations has ran out, you simply get X amount of time from the recovery of the memories.
Now with some hind site do you think it effected your life any?
As a grown up you are within your bounds to go seek him out and confront him if you so choose.
Its very unsettling to be ambushed by the past. I hope you are being kind to yourself. What happened was not your fault and anger is a justified reaction.
RBView Thread

Some other thoughts.
Its healign to raise a child. you will be forced to heal in order to be the parent you want to be.
You have no choice. you either grow or your child suffers.
I found an inner bear within that I didn't know i had when I was forced to deal with other grownups. I am stil learning who to be a calm person when dealing with stuff like school confrentations regarding my son.
I had to deal with a lot of scary thought with my daughter, I didn't want a girl, I didn't want to face that inside myself. I didn't wnat to worry 24/7 that she was being abused by anyone.
Look at your inners and ask yourselves honestly, is there anyone in there that poses a lethal threat to the baby?
(yes I know that is hard to do.) I was so psychotic while pregnate with my daughter that if MQ hadn' taken over I would have injured my unborn. None of us slept for 4 days after she was born so collectively we all could remain topside and keep her safe from me.
I have grown considerally as a person, from being a parent. I wasn't always the perfect parent. (still not perfect) The job is gettign done. Not always by the book. but it's getting done.
Do you have a strong support system to be there as back up support? The means to provide for this baby? Do you all want to share your life with her?
There are adoptions that enable the birth mama to keep in contact and have visits. Have you thought about those? or would it be better for you to have no contact? Im sorry you are having to make such tough desicions with everthing else going on in your life.
I would say if you are still actively experiencing major time losses that the safety of a infant would concern me greatly. Unless you had an inner who is stong enough to come topside EVERYTIME and make sure the baby was dropped off somewhere safe before the other inner takes control of the body.
TcosView Thread

I am wickedly being distracted by flashbacks today. and not limited to that time frame either. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
i have tapped into a stream of consiousness where I was NOT DID. where I can recall being a singleton. its very weird. verey weird.View Thread

under flashback seige tonight once the family life stilled. i want to ifind a hole and curl up and cry.View Thread

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