thanks, for your input, i am not looking for a quick fix(not even looking for a fix) just trying to maintain whats left of my life. i have tried talk therapy, it puts me in a place none of us want to go. thees boards over the last 2 years have helped. there is a lot of good insight and it just keeps me from being completely alone, so thank again much appreciatedView Thread
you are so right, the numbness has bleed into all aspects of my life, i shut down before i was 5 so it is all i know. the sad thing is i am OK with that . i don't think i see myself as a victim, i just look at what happened to me as it is what it is. ( I USE TO TRY TO FIGUR OUT WHY, WHAT I DID TO DESERV THIS , etc. i agree i am not the person i would have been if i had not faced the evil that was my life for so long. i do want to change the sh behavior, but i want to keep the dissociate behavior. (i am not scared of much but letting go of that terrifies me.) my out ward life looks good, i am not a social person but i have a strong family, church, and work life. i have to dissociate to function or pretend which takes all my energy, but it works. i never have had power of my life so i don't know how to take it bake or Evan what that would feel like. although most of my abuser are long gone out of my life the one who set it all up and did the most harm is my bio mom and she lives in my house, she is old and not able to harm me any more. i am her care giver, she would be put in a institute other wise and although what she did is evil i do not want her to wast away, be harmed, or suffer. i am not sure if i am at peace with myself or not ( not sure what that means)? as far as fear ,shame, and pain its there i am sure but i just keep it buried. i don't know if any of this is going to make sense, but thank for your post it has given me a lot to think about. i read it every day and find some strength in irView Thread
on the forth me and my husband pack the car and go north to the farm house , it is in the middle of no ware, we stay there for 7 days, no TV or any distraction it gives us time to just hang out and talk. i don't like holidays that turn are little town onto a Bessy place to many people for me.View Thread
just wanted to say hi, welcome we have a lot of the same issues, and sounds like we have made some of the same choices. i am not able to give any advice because i am still not health enough, just wanted you to know you are not alone.View Thread
don't think it is the hard work, or the pain ( i can dissociate very easily from emotional pain.) i just don't want to find out that there is nothing more in me. will i Evan be able to see the LIGHT? i really don't know. i have lost the filter of fear for most things, but i think i might be afraid.View Thread
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