I had always been asked if I had been molested and always answered no. Then, after a hysterectomy at 36, I was once again asked, only this time I shocked myself and said, in tears, yes. After that incident, I began having what I call "Kodak moments." I would have snapshots of memories with no rhyme nor reason. As the years went on, the snapshots became clearer and I realized exactly what had been done to me beginning at the age of eight. I still don't know all of the details, but I know enough. I've tried to forgive but following the physical and mental problems associated with this event, I find myself frequently angry. So many problems and none of them necessary. Bipolar, substance abuse of prescription meds, migraines, ibd, female problems, back problems, throat problems, stomach problems and then the sex problems, no feeling from the waist down, no sex drive, no desire. Sometimes it makes me really mad that along with my childhood, that was taken from me, too. I want to rant what more do I have to suffer, then I remember that I'm not the only one and that many suffer worse fates than mine. At times I can talk about this and be ok, but at other times I hurt and cry. Can't write anymore now. DebbieView Thread
I am a survivor of incest. At 36, I am now 51, I suddenly came to the realization that I had been molested. Ever since that time, I have periodically had memories come back to me. However, in the beginning and for a few yrs afterward, I doubted myself. I had no memories of the actual abuse, just the realization itself. Then, I began having what I refer to as "Kodak moments." Unlike watching a scene from a movie, I had brief glimpses of moments from childhood of the actual abuse. Over time, I pieced them together and began to attempt to make sense of them. Of course, that was an impossible goal as it doesn't make any sense. But the feelings of guilt and shame began to overwhelm me. In my head, I knew it was not my fault, that I had been a victim. In my heart, I doubted myself. Then I told someone whom I knew to be a survivor, too. And I told someone else and kept telling people until I began to accept the situation as senseless. And then came the anger. Anger at what had been done to a helpless child. Anger at the PTSD and other after effects and anger at the perpetrator. I have many physical problems that other survivors also suffer from and at times, it continues to make me angry about all the after effects. Now is one of those times. I don't know how to advise you on how to let go, I just know that I must and that my anger, and sometimes rage, only hurt me. I do know that when I talk about it, the anger does lessen and eventually leaves, at least until the next memory/realization comes along.
One question that my therapist posed to me was," what is the worst thing about it that could have happened?" I guess everyone's answer is different,mine was that my mother knew and did nothing about it. Then came the idea that I was not the only victim in this thing. That, at least to some extent, she was a victim, too, but in a different way.
I don't mean to harp, but talking about it did help me get rid of some anger and the process of healing began. I have come to the conclusion, that for me anyway, it is probably a lifetime process.
I do know that I wish much luck on your journey through this and can offer some hope that at times, anyway for me, it does get better and easier to cope with. just try to remember that it is a process and takes time and alot of hard work. But it can be done.
I would also like to offer you safe hugs, if okay.
Dear WolfFaerie: Thanks for you well wishes and hugs. Its okay with me to get hugs and I am glad someone could get something from the info, I learned several symptoms/problems that I did not know about so it was very informative for me. Thanks again and safe hugs to you, too. DebbieView Thread
When I first began having memories, a psychiatrist told me a few common physical problems associated with survivors. I was wondering is anyone could help me with some information on physical problems common to survivors. Thnx in advance.