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I will have hot tea and some chocolate chip cookies. I hope you have kitty treats and Foxy treats and I will sit and color.
Thank you everyone for checking in on me.View Thread

Sigh.
Great heaving sighs.
I guess the positive thing is that I have not harmed myself.View Thread

Do they want to know what I'm thinking?
I think not.
TRIGGERS!!
Do they really want to know that I trolled the aisles at Wal Mart this afternoon looking for something to swallow? That I looked for an acceptable rope to attach to the bridge a block away from my apartment? That I looked for poisonous gasses to inhale? That there was nothing SUFFICIENTLY LETHAL to satisfy my demands????
Yesterday I put 50 small, superficial cuts on my right forearm. I got to about 37 and decided I needed to go all the way to the elbow. Then I decided I needed to get to a round number. That was how I got to 50.
The IOP clinician and FNP asked to to agree to a no-suicide contract until tomorrow. I would not agree to a no-self-harm contract. I was thinking I might inflict another 50 cuts. Or I might burn. Or I might do both. I don't know. I don't care. It really doesn't matter anymore. After I did it last night, I realized how easy it was do to... it's so easy.
And after last night, I remembered how easy it is to attempt suicide as well.
It's so easy.
So easy.
...
..
.View Thread

I go about my days breathing but not really surviving.
I want so much to slip into oblivion.
Years ago, I took many pills but my attempt was intercepted by a tongue too loose and a conscience that cared about an innocent cat who waited at home. I didn't deserve her and I don't deserve my Savannah now.
And now, the darkness descends like blinders and I can only see a narrow field around which my eyes focus. The sun rises and the sun sets and I wish that the days would end. I wish that my existence would come to a silent, unnoticed end and that I could slip away like a vapor under a door. Unfortunately humans are not like that and I turn to other methods.
Not to worry, I have contracted for safety through the weekend with the IOP folks. It was a condition for being immediately admitted as an inpatient after a meltdown on Friday morning.View Thread

Savannah is here with me. (meow) She is meowing desperately at my windchime.View Thread

I have had such trouble with finances that I finally sought out and got a representative payee (meaning that my money goes to an agency) and they take care of my bills for me! Every month, I'm allocated an amount to spend on little things (though this month, I'm going to have to get the oil changed in my car, so it will be a bit less than what I'm used to) and they save what is left over. It's a great, hassle-free way to make sure that my bills get paid and my overdue bills are also getting paid. Those accounts that have gone to collections are also getting paid, though slowly. But they are getting paid and that's the important part!
I don't know if this is something that would ever be an option for you, but it has eliminated a great deal of stress in my life and therefore a lot of self-harm as well.View Thread

insisted on calling the crisis team.
hospitalized.
full-dress panic/flashback/psychotic break
crying and screaming
curled in a ball
on the floor
10 mg Haldol
62 hours inpatient.
released.
picked up friend's BF
zipped up North.
helped friend move/clear out apartment.
zipped back down, with cats in tow
put cats in boarding facility
put friend and BF and bus to Omaha
must put cats on plane to Omaha on Saturday
exhausted.
sad.
should still be hospitalized.View Thread


I was willing to live with the craziness as a tradeoff for coming off my meds... I had been working with my pdoc to come off a few of my already ridiculous number of psychotropics and I thought that although I was coming off the antipsychotic I would just live with the nuttiness. (I mean, I realize it's psychotic and it does bother me but it's not like I'm hearing voices commanding me to go jump off the bridge a couple blocks away because when I do, angels are going to catch me and I'm going to go to heaven.) I was even starting to lose some weight! (there's another drawback -- most antipsychotics cause weight gain.)
...damned lunatic...
...will continue to be a lunatic...View Thread
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