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Savannah and I will bring the streamers and confetti and ice cream! We like strawberry, but what do the others like?View Thread

I found out last year, after being on HCTZ (hydrochlorothythiazide) -- a water pill -- for a long time -- that it was stripping my potassium. Come to find out that's one of the major neurotransmitters involved in depression! If your hormones are out of whack, make sure it's not your potassium, because mine was crazy low!! I had to have my water pill changed to spironolactone because HCTZ was killing my potassium!View Thread

And on these dark days when I think "it's so hard to continue to care" I read the words I wrote with no memory of having written them. Is that strange? It's as if they came from someone else.View Thread

View Thread
How'm I doing? *slumps, sighs*
That about covers it.
It's blasted hot and humid here and the only air conditioner available is a window unit installed in my bedroom so I can sleep. In the meantime I suffer. Gawd I hate summer. And it's only the beginning.View Thread

Kitty cats -- especially my Savvy-girl (who is very hot but still pawing at her toy mouse while laying listlessly on the floor)
Thunder storms
Chinese food
Sandals
Air conditioning
friendsView Thread

I will have hot tea and some chocolate chip cookies. I hope you have kitty treats and Foxy treats and I will sit and color.
Thank you everyone for checking in on me.View Thread

Sigh.
Great heaving sighs.
I guess the positive thing is that I have not harmed myself.View Thread

Do they want to know what I'm thinking?
I think not.
TRIGGERS!!
Do they really want to know that I trolled the aisles at Wal Mart this afternoon looking for something to swallow? That I looked for an acceptable rope to attach to the bridge a block away from my apartment? That I looked for poisonous gasses to inhale? That there was nothing SUFFICIENTLY LETHAL to satisfy my demands????
Yesterday I put 50 small, superficial cuts on my right forearm. I got to about 37 and decided I needed to go all the way to the elbow. Then I decided I needed to get to a round number. That was how I got to 50.
The IOP clinician and FNP asked to to agree to a no-suicide contract until tomorrow. I would not agree to a no-self-harm contract. I was thinking I might inflict another 50 cuts. Or I might burn. Or I might do both. I don't know. I don't care. It really doesn't matter anymore. After I did it last night, I realized how easy it was do to... it's so easy.
And after last night, I remembered how easy it is to attempt suicide as well.
It's so easy.
So easy.
...
..
.View Thread

I go about my days breathing but not really surviving.
I want so much to slip into oblivion.
Years ago, I took many pills but my attempt was intercepted by a tongue too loose and a conscience that cared about an innocent cat who waited at home. I didn't deserve her and I don't deserve my Savannah now.
And now, the darkness descends like blinders and I can only see a narrow field around which my eyes focus. The sun rises and the sun sets and I wish that the days would end. I wish that my existence would come to a silent, unnoticed end and that I could slip away like a vapor under a door. Unfortunately humans are not like that and I turn to other methods.
Not to worry, I have contracted for safety through the weekend with the IOP folks. It was a condition for being immediately admitted as an inpatient after a meltdown on Friday morning.View Thread
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