Skip to content

My WebMD Sign In, Sign Up

My WebMD Sign In

Please enter email address

Enter your password

Keep me signed in on this computer

Show more Information

If you select "Keep me signed in on this computer", every time you visit WebMD.com you won't have to type your email address and password. This means that a cookie will stay on your computer even when you exit or close your browser which may reduce your levels of privacy and security. You should never select this option if you're using a publicly accessible computer, or if you're sharing a computer with others. Even if you select this option there are some features of our site that still require you to log in for privacy reasons.

Forget your password? Having trouble signing in?

Why should I
sign up for WebMD?

With a WebMD Account you can:

Track your way to weight loss success
Manage your family's vaccinations
Join the conversation

See more benefits Sign Up

Why WebMD?

Show Menu

Facebook Twitter Pinterest

Sexual Abuse Survivors Support Community

Welcome to a safe environment for receiving support from other survivors of ... more

Reply: IT CHANGES THINGS

Welcome to the board Q. Tcos

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

1 Reply | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:IT CHANGES THINGS Welcome to the board Q. Tcos

Reply: Downward slope

Must be something in the air today. I woke needing "food therapy" (Twinkies are the...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

6 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Downward slope Must be something in the air today. I woke needing "food therapy" (Twinkies are the...

Reply: Forget It!

E & W & Q and all, The healing journey is sure different for a collection...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

E & W & Q and all,

The healing journey is sure different for a collection of souls vs a singleton.

It have taken a life time to unwind and separate the memories and to pave the paths of communication between us all. Safety within before trust can be introduced and extended outwards. One therapy works for part of us, but not all of us.

Other stuck in various parts of the healing journey/cycle. Some refusing to begin at all.

Once Cereal, got tired and mentally pack us in to the "car" an drove us at hellbent speeds toward the perceived "finish line" of healing. Open the door and threw us all over the "line."

"Your done with healing!" he screamed as he slammed the door. "lets get on with life. I can't take the crying anymore."

Had to sit him down and explain, each of us was wounded at different times in our lives, a 5 year old heals differently then a 20 year old.

That healing isn't possible for any fragment if there forced. Just like you said: ".It's Q's story and she has to be the one speak and face it with full strength."

So how does one help the others inside?

Some of our rules:

1. anyone can speak
2. speak first inside, so it can reverberate through out the system.
3. I can't change your past, but I can sit by you and hold you hand while you process it.
4. memories must be put to paper, or told to a T. Freedom comes from giving the abuse no more power.
5. We are at war with the abuse, all the people on the inside are equal and no one get thrown overboard.
6. You can sit and stagnate, that can be your choice, just as its my choice to strive for a peaceful existence where I can just live and be.
7. We will never be done healing. The effects of what was done to us will never go away. We work to find a way to take away the power of the abuse and make it lifeless scars on our souls vs bleeding wounds that hurt us.

((((((((((((((((SK)))))))))))))))) many hugs from TCoSView Thread

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted byDOGDANCING_TCOS

10 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Forget It! E & W & Q and all, The healing journey is sure different for a collection...

Reply: Not Enough.............Be Careful

*********************** ******************* ************************...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

5 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Not Enough.............Be Careful *********************** ******************* ************************...

Reply: Forget It!

******** warning this post will include a graffic trigger ********** Morning...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

******** warning this post will include a graffic trigger **********
Morning Wyatt. Your post makes it sound like WebMD gremlins ate a post you wrote vs posting it like it should have.

Its hard enough to put heart to paper, to wring your soul out and open that conduit of pain. Then to loose it or have someone ignore it or dismiss it. Frustrating and another heavy brick laid on your shoulders.

I don't buy that no one needs to know the story. Ste did a "memory dump" here years ago out of rage and anger. He did it to hurt me.

He didn't expect it to help him. It helped him so much. It was like ripping a scab off an old badly infected wound and releasing the pressure. In time that wound healed. Scarred, yes flesh forever tender and raw, but healed none the less.

Writing down the truth is scary. Having it there on paper somehow makes it real. Its really hard to deny stuff when its RIGHT THERE. When the truths are unspoken and hidden in your mind its some how easier to keep living. But carrying that toxic baggage around take it toll on you.

******************************************* **************** ******** *********************** GRAFFIC TRIGGER ******************

the abuse is a penis in your throat. Choking you and preventing you from screaming for help.

The abuse chokes you and smothers you and silences you.

Speaking about it aloud or writing about it is how you start taking back your power that was raped out of you as a child.

Each thrust into our bodies was a message to shut up/be silent/take it/take it/take it.

Writing down the truth and removing it from the memories of the flesh is a start in untangling us from the poisonous vines of the abuse affects.

Writing it down or verbally sharing with a T is a quiet voice going: (DELETED)-YOU. I'm stopping. Right here.

The abuse stops here.

As long as you hold the silence and the secrets the abuse is still happening. You are still being abused, that poison is still in you leaching off your soul. Giving you night mares, stealing your life and harming you.

You all have been hurt enough by the abuse. Taking about it weakens it control and power over you.

Painful process to debrief from the horrors of the past? Oh hell yes, I will not lie. I vividly recall the amount of courage it took to first say stuff aloud or even write it down. Gawd do I.

I can talk about my past now like I was rattling off a grocery list. Its been a long time to get here. But you know what? It is very satisfying to be able to dismiss it at will and stop the flash backs with a simple "be gone you have no power here."

Keep fighting for it Wyatt. You deserve and are owed the right to heal.View Thread

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted byDOGDANCING_TCOS

10 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Forget It! ******** warning this post will include a graffic trigger ********** Morning...

Reply: Maladaptive Daydreaming or Catfishing coping mecha...

When you are a child and abused the boundaries that should be there get shot all to...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Maladaptive Daydreaming or Catfishing coping mechanisms? When you are a child and abused the boundaries that should be there get shot all to...

Reply: A healing journey part 4 - trigger SA/SI

***************************** ************************* ************...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

***************************** ************************* ************ ********************************************** ************************

Sept 28, 1989

to hush the never ending question of why
she gave her life to the sky
and now I lay me down to sleep
no more shall I weep
to give
to live
not possible in this brain
full of the stench of being insane
I seek the lulling hush of eden's arm
to shelter me from harm
the smell of century's of damp decay
I seek to leave the world to its self imposed disarray
I put on my blinders and look away
I don't want to live is all I'll say
so now I lay me down to sleep
in this fern heap
I'll put out my pilot light
and say goodnight.

October 2, 1989

***************
strong triggering subject regarding sexual abuse to be posted below.
I am including it here because you need to see how I healed, and one of the ways I did that was by looking hard at what made me injure when I did. Then learning to see triggering events and avoiding them or reaching for help rather then the matches.
****************

[DELETED!!> well I made it 5 months without harming my self. I called
Richard no answer, called answering service and left message. He called back 1/2 later. I couldn't tell him I was going to injure. Ste was mute, his throat clamped shut. We tried, and failed to communicate. Burned my arm a good one, nice big 3rd degree burn. I feel funny like I'm not ashamed, I'm not crazy, I'm not sorry. I just don't care anymore.

Perhaps I realized that my B-day is looming up fast and I got scared. Tired of fighting, who knows. I'm canceling my appt tomorrow. i don't want Richard to know about it. I need time to think.

Actually I bet it had to do with:
1. Touching/trust exercise Saturday at the "special friends" seminar (of shoot of the big sister/brother program - you are paired with a at risk kid in a school setting)

2. Doctor show Sunday about diagnosing sexual abuse - they showed the vagina as a clock. They said with sexual abuse most trauma/scarring would be seen from 3 o'clock to 9 o'clock going clockwise. (the bottom of the vagina)

Most of the scarring/damage I have is from 9 to 3 o'clock on the top.
Which supports the memories of being held down face first. (that would turn the clock over) thus showing all the trauma where it shows up on sexual abuse victims. Conformation that the story Ste tells me happened is true.

I still feel empty. So i hurt my self?! I'm not excited about it. I'm numb
and slightly confused.

October 4, 1989

I tried to call and cancel my appt. As soon as he got the message he called me back. He told me that it didn't matter no matter what happened he still cares and wanted to see me. I told him I couldn't deal with it this week, I needed time to think about what happened. He said he respected my need for space. He was going to leave my hour open so I could come in if I wanted to.

I hollered at him and I feel bad about that. He wanted to know if I was
testing him. I told him the truth, no.

(to be cont in part 5)View Thread

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted byDOGDANCING_TCOS

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:A healing journey part 4 - trigger SA/SI ***************************** ************************* ************...

Reply: A healing journey part 4 - trigger SA/SI

********************** *********************** *******************...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

********************** *********************** ******************* ************************** *********************** **************

Sept 13, 1989

Felt good to talk with Richard today. Talked about how I wanted someone to blame. I NEED someone to blame...someone other that ME to focus the anger on.

Sept 16, 1989

I still feel like I am on a chain swinging to and fro between wanting to
hurt my self and living...and as I swing life tries to grab me and hold me to it, and so does the self mutilation part. I am being yanked apart. I am beginning to lose control and just space off as I yo-yo around.

Sept 20, 1989

Gave Richard the letter I wrote on the 15th. It clearly stated that if I
didn't get the self mutilation under control by my birthday that I would
kill my self before 10:45 am November 14, 1989.
Written evidence he could use to stop me if it came to that. He could have me locked up with that paper. I'm glad I gave it to him. No matter what I think I'M GOING TO LIVE. I'll do anything to insure that I'm alive 10:46 am November 14th

On the way home I stopped and got a cheesecake to eat. Celebration that I haven't harmed my self today! It is past midnight! one more day has passed without me hurting my self!! Bravo little one! Smile!

Sept 23, 1989

Finally broke through the silence barrier and can tell someone else that I feel like hurting my self. i find the little praises I give me self for the little things I am doing, works wonders for my moral. I enjoy the praise. Stopping all the negative self talk is HARD! Like in two minutes I have made it through another day with out injuring! YEAH! I am going to work on taking better care of my self. Nurturing me.

Sept 28, 1989

A little more than a month to complete all the things that must be done before I can kill my self.

(interesting now to look back over the list of items...I can see that Ste
kept adding to the bottom of the list so that I would never complete it.)

(cont)View Thread

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted byDOGDANCING_TCOS

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:A healing journey part 4 - trigger SA/SI ********************** *********************** *******************...

A healing journey part 4 - trigger SA/SI

********************************** ************************** **************...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

********************************** ************************** ************** ***************************** ******************** *************** ************

A healing journey - part 4 - feeding the beast

August 1, 1989

I awake from my dreamless sleep and bound out of bed full of energy and plans. As I manically race to get dress and begin all the projects in my head I pause to tell my reflection. "I'm okay! I don't need therapy. I can quit now I'm all healed. I have put the monsters to bed and I won! I'm cured" I flash my self my I-cheat-in-scrabble-smile and brush my wild long dark hair.

Ste weary watches and begins setting up the safety net. He knows I will come plummeting down from that mood. He stays close.

August 3, 1989

Well it has been decided. i'm going back to school to be a teacher - none of this nurse stuff, I really want to teach! Guess what I did! I hacked 6 INCHES off my hair! I LOVE IT! For once I didn't do it out of punishment of need to make my self ugly. I just did to change my style to a more adult sophisticated style. I feel like it would take a [deleted> freight train to

stop me now! I'm going to be a teacher!! I'm going to live! I have to I want to!!

Ste paces restlessly in my head on constant vigil. He is not fooled by my sunny disposition.

Sept 4, 1989

7:00am
Brother and his wife are here. I just can't go over and see them. I am SOOO BLEEPING JEALOUS HE HAS A WIFE AND KIDS!! someone to love him. Me I am just alone, always alone. It bothers me to see them, any of my brothers. All I see are people unaffected by what we have been through. Why was I affected so? They can marry hand have a happy life life but NO Paja she is always alone ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS. I HATE IT I HATE IT!!! IT IS NOT FAIR! I am so jealous.
I see it as a mark on my soul that they can come out of the family unscathed and I can't.

11:30 pm
While dressing for work I decided I'ld rather be crazy and insane, because sanity offered me nothing. Was ready to quit therapy and hypnotherapy. Had it all planned, dressed in black and oozing coldness and craziness I'ld go tell everyone that if the only way my family would accept me was crazy then I would be crazy and forever sick so I could fit in.

Realized I have to be sane for me. I have to quit looking at my life through others eyes and life my life for me. TAKE CARE OF ME!
I'm tired of being alone. I'm not good company for my self.

September 11,1989

ANGRY. i just don't care anymore. I wanta stop and just jell in a state of inactivity. I have no energy for school, life or me. Yup depression time. But it will pass. It has to, I couldn't life like this forever. It will
pass, it always does. I must hang on. I knew it would be hard to fight my selves over the self mutilation. I just want to freak out and go on a
rampage and clean all the anger out of my system....but it is a bottomless pit of anger and it would consume me.

(cont)View Thread

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted byDOGDANCING_TCOS

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:A healing journey part 4 - trigger SA/SI ********************************** ************************** **************...

Reply: Not Enough.............Be Careful

No my friends we have not thrown you away. I am always here for all of you. In this...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

5 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Not Enough.............Be Careful No my friends we have not thrown you away. I am always here for all of you. In this...

previous

12 3 4 5

next

Back to Top

See Related Mental Health Communities

See All Communities

Women's Health Newsletter

Find out what women really need.

Other Member Communities

Dieting Club: 10 - 25 Lbs Member Community Share Your Tips and Support!
Caregiving Member Community The Support and Understanding You Need!
Parenting Friends Talking Member Community Get Support from Members Like You!

The opinions expressed in WebMD User-generated content areas like communities, reviews, ratings, or blogs are solely those of the User, who may or may not have medical or scientific training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of WebMD. User-generated content areas are not reviewed by a WebMD physician or any member of the WebMD editorial staff for accuracy, balance, objectivity, or any other reason except for compliance with our Terms and Conditions. Some of these opinions may contain information about treatments or uses of drug products that have not been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. WebMD does not endorse any specific product, service, or treatment.

Do not consider WebMD User-generated content as medical advice. Never delay or disregard seeking professional medical advice from your doctor or other qualified healthcare provider because of something you have read on WebMD. You should always speak with your doctor before you start, stop, or change any prescribed part of your care plan or treatment. WebMD understands that reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment from a qualified health care provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or dial 911 immediately.

Health Solutions From Our Sponsors

In-depth coverage:

Recognizing & Treating Depression|Healthy Mouth Help|RA Assessment|Living Healthy Guide|Family & Pregnancy Toolbox|Low Testosterone

Find us on:

URAC: Accredited Health Web Site

TRUSTe online privacy certification

HonCode: Health on the Net Foundation AdChoices

About WebMD Advertise With Us Terms of Use Privacy Policy Sponsor Policy Site Map Careers Contact Us

Medscape Reference eMedicineHealth RxList Medscape MedicineNet BootsWebMD WebMD Corporate

First Aid WebMD Magazine WebMD Health Record WebMD Mobile Newsletters Dictionary Physician Directory

©2005-2013 WebMD, LLC. All rights reserved.

WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. See additional information.