Skip to content

My WebMD Sign In, Sign Up

My WebMD Sign In

Please enter email address

Enter your password

Keep me signed in on this computer

Show more Information

If you select "Keep me signed in on this computer", every time you visit WebMD.com you won't have to type your email address and password. This means that a cookie will stay on your computer even when you exit or close your browser which may reduce your levels of privacy and security. You should never select this option if you're using a publicly accessible computer, or if you're sharing a computer with others. Even if you select this option there are some features of our site that still require you to log in for privacy reasons.

Forget your password? Having trouble signing in?

Why should I
sign up for WebMD?

With a WebMD Account you can:

Track your way to weight loss success
Manage your family's vaccinations
Join the conversation

See more benefits Sign Up

Why WebMD?

Show Menu

Facebook Twitter Pinterest

Sexual Abuse Survivors Support Community

Welcome to a safe environment for receiving support from other survivors of ... more

Reply: Not Enough.............Be Careful

(((((((((Wyatt))))))))) Listening quietly. When I was young someone gave me a...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

5 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Not Enough.............Be Careful (((((((((Wyatt))))))))) Listening quietly. When I was young someone gave me a...

Reply: A healing journey part 3 - trigger SA/SI

This version of my healing journey was typed in probably 9 years ago. I did it...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:A healing journey part 3 - trigger SA/SI This version of my healing journey was typed in probably 9 years ago. I did it...

Reply: A healing journey part 3 - trigger SA/SI

****************************** **************************** ************...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:A healing journey part 3 - trigger SA/SI ****************************** **************************** ************...

A healing journey part 3 - trigger SA/SI

************************ ***************************** *********...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

************************ ***************************** ********* ****************************** **************************** *******

(please note the dates...this stuff is all in the past. These are actual entry's from my journals.)

A healing journey part three - In the belly of the beast

March 30, 1988

well it is official - we are switching to the HMO insurance on May 1st. I am
not dealing well with this news. This means I lose my mental health
coverage. I am not ready to stop therapy!! AAAGGHHH!!! I am scared and
feeling abandoned.

April 19, 1988

at work. yesterday I was going to leave work drive home and OD on drugs and kill me self. i had to call Richard last night cause I wanted to harm my
self. The first time I hung up just as he answered. (he had given me his
home # - this was the first of two times I bothered him at home. I never
abused the trust of the number being given to me. Even today I find that to
be a powerful gesture from him. He gave me his home number, He wanted me to be able to reach him in an emergency. He cared that much about my safety.)

The second time my body walked away from the phone so I couldn't hang up. We talked for about 8 minutes. I'm beginning to understand what this fight inside is all about. The VERY STRONG part of me that has kept me safe and alive all those years is not willing to let the new me live. It feels
threatened. It is not going to be easy but I must find a way to pacify it
and reassure it that I can be in an up state and still in control.

April 21, 1998
The look of concern in Richards eyes told me all I needed to know, he really does care. There was a hint of panic in his voice as we talked. He kept telling me he cares about me and that he's grown to like me. Another person tangled in my web. People who I love or care about or need, all leave me hurt or die on me. The various sides of me wants to die. No more hate, an eternal peace, a calm , a hush.

April 30, 1988

He sits there listening to me sob as I tell him the insurance is gone next
week and this will have to be our last session. My gut is twisted and torn,
part of me wanting to run back, part of me wanting to run forward.
He hands me a tissue and says, "Paja our work here isn't finished."
I wail "I can't pay you the 60 dollars and hour!"
He gently tells me, "I will continue seeing you for the co-pay amount."

My blood freezes....the room is deathly still. I look at the 10.00 bill in
my hand. The magnitude of this gesture is HUGE. F'in HUGE MAN.
"you are going to take a 50 dollar and hour pay cut to work with me? WHY!?" I demand.

He smiles and his brown eyes sparkle, "cause you are worth it to me."
That gesture knocked off a lot of bricks off my walls. I don't think he
realized just how HUGE that was to me. He kept his word and continued to see me for the 10.00 an hour. He never set a limit on our therapy, he never
asked for a raise. He saw me for another year and 1/2 for that amount.

Later that year when I could afford it, I gave him a raise of 5.00 and hour. He raised his eyebrows when I handed over the 15.00.

"What's this?" He reminded me of our agreement.

I smiled. "I'm giving all my employees raises."

He got a happy look on his face and with hind sight I know what he must have been thinking. I bet he was thinking.."Win for the Paja team. She is healing and seeing the value of our work and that she is worth this investment."

(cont)

View Thread

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted byDOGDANCING_TCOS

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:A healing journey part 3 - trigger SA/SI ************************ ***************************** *********...

Reply: how do i join this community?

Welcome to the board ToniLB, glad you found us! Peace be the journey Paja

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

6 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:how do i join this community? Welcome to the board ToniLB, glad you found us! Peace be the journey Paja

Reply: Nightmares

try scents. like put vic vapor rub on your neck, or a dash of perfume on the...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

10 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Nightmares try scents. like put vic vapor rub on your neck, or a dash of perfume on the...

Reply: How im feeling

Rose definitely use a toss away email to make contact. the web crawlers will pick...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

17 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:How im feeling Rose definitely use a toss away email to make contact. the web crawlers will pick...

A healing journey part 2 - trigger SA/SI

************************* ***************************** *********...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

************************* ***************************** ********* ****************************** ****************************

My therapist had never worked with a client who self mutilated. In hind
sight that was truly a blessing. He had no idea about SIV (self inflicted
violence), no preconceived treatment plans or biases. We learned about it
together. In my attempts to educate him about it, I in turn had no choice
but to learn my self. He was the perfect T for me. A pleasant older male who kept his distance and never tried to touch me. I value his professionalism and his ability to keep us on track. I loved his humor and his easy going manner. His giant collie dog frequented out sessions.

It was nice to be treated both by a human and a four legged. After the intake interview the sexual abuse was not mentioned again till I was ready to discuss it. Richard never probed or brought it up till I reintroduced the subject at the later date when I was ready to delve into it.

We talked initially about how I was treated by others, and how I felt
like an alien.

He asked "are you human?"

"No" I replied.

" animal?" he asked gesturing to the sleeping dog at his feet.

"no" I whisper fighting tears. "i'm not good enough to be an animal" He waited patiently as I fought internal battles. "i am nothing, I am dust, I don't feel like I belong on this planet, I feel like I was dropped off and my race is gone. I am a crack child. (the true meaning of the word - a space between two objects) I belong no where. I exist between light and the dark. I am like a missing link."

He sighed deeply and I saw pain in his eyes. "Paja we have to get you
reconnect with your people."

I fracture out again and again as different parts of me bubble in quick
succession to the surface. WE ARE SCARED. WE ARE FRIGHTENED. WE ARE ALONE. SO ALONE. WHAT YOU SPEAK OF IS OVERWHELMING. YOU SPEAK OF HOPE.

HOPE.

THAT DOUBLE-EDGED WORD THAT ALWAYS ENDS UP HURTING YOU.
WE ARE SCARED.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes to stop the visual stimulus and calm my children. I open my eyes and at last speak to him in a small child's voice, "how do we do that?"

In my head I hear Ste say hesitantly. "Trenta RA" [ my secret language for
"follow Richard">.

We start down the path.

Richard suggests STRONGLY I get off graveyard shift and work a shift where there are people.

"I HATE people." I snarl angrily, the internal rage blazing. My protecting
walls pulled up around me, barricading me in, closing me off from further
discussion.

"I am a people" he says cautiously.

I allow Little Jacky to answer for me "Everyone is a foe till proven
otherwise."

"Paja in order for this to work you have to trust me."

I am gone. Lost behind my walls in the darkness of my madness. Hope? trust? what the hell?? why can't he understand that: ALL I KNOW IS HATE - PAIN- ANGER- FEAR. that is all we speak. I have NEVER felt trust. that emotion/state of being is foreign to me. My distrust of everyone in the world has kept me alive. He is asking the impossible. My feelings long ago bottled up and hidden away...or worse killed all together by the abuse.

"can you trust me?" he asks. "or at least give me a chance to earn your
trust.?" He addresses me as if I am a fox caught in a trap.

I ponder his words as I feel my foot being bit by the cold steel trap. What
choices do I have?

Allow this man to help guide me and strive to live a better life...or...chew
off my leg and scurry away and remain wounded and injured for ever.
I go internal and face my selves. The children are cowering behind Ste,
frightened and crying. I look at Ste and his ice blue eyes meet mine. We speak volumes without uttering a word.

we are tired of the pain. we are tired of fighting the madness, we are
tired of living everyday, every second in a state of constant suisidalness.
We nod in unison.

I speak to Richard. "yes...yes we will give you a chance."

(cont in part 3)View Thread

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted byDOGDANCING_TCOS

0 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:A healing journey part 2 - trigger SA/SI ************************* ***************************** *********...

Reply: Healing journey part 1 - TRIGGER SA/SI

************************** ***************************** *********...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

************************** ***************************** ********* ****************************** **************************** ********

December 8, 1980 little house on the prairie is interrupted. John Lennon shot. I know he is dead. He is dead cause I loved him and needed him. He falls victim to my mental madness. I vow to never love again, no one, nothing. to keep the world safe from my poison.

Oh the pain... my only "friends" found a way to hurt me. I walk away and Ste mans the ship.

I have three goals in life.
1. To have dark circles under my eyes.
2. Have grey hair.
3. Be dead by the time I am 23.

Graduate at 17 and start working graveyard on a locked geriatric-psych ward....no one will find me here among the demented. I feel strangely at home locked up with madness and the voices hollering "help help help" . I save my money and that November buy a travel trailer and move into on my parents property. Just days before my 18th birthday I am at last free of the sexual abuse.

I am a mess. A child in a grown body. No idea what I want in life or where to go. Hate to be near me. I set sail on the endless waves of depression and sleep my life away. No one knows I breath. No one sees me....me being a evil rage filled sub-humanbein, not worthy of being spit on.

The night shift psychosis is sweet and I enjoy the new madness in my mind. I move my trailer to a co-workers farm. We pool out measly min-wage checks and live better.

We are social outcasts and we hate people. I ride her horse to
escape...endless hours cantering through the woods. I happily plan the day I will die. My 23rd b-day. At last my pain and suffering will be halted. I will be free. Free of the stink of my decaying brain. Free of this body that clings to life with no food and fresh blood tails dripping down it.

Co-worker I live with's daughter has a baby girl. Despite my attempts to not love her, I fall head over heals. I protect her vigilantly, no harm will become this child. She never lacks for touch of love from me. I watch her during the day while Mom works. I am sitting on the couch feeding her and with my right hand writing out my will. Gleefully thinking about the approaching day of death. Ste stirs in my head and turns my head to look at
the baby. "PICK UP THE PHONE" he hisses in my ear.

I am too afraid.

I am too afraid. I make Jennifer do it. She bubbles to the surface and gleefully calls mental health. "I have a friend who burns herself."

He pauses and then said. "was your friend sexually abused?"

my heart pounds. I feel exposed. I panic. I hear Jennifer say "I don't think so".

I never allowed my self to think of what I went through as abuse. It was simply how life was for me. I feel validated. Maybe there is hope. Jennifer sets up an appointment and before I know it I find my self with a list of therapist.

I scan the list and see Richard N. I WILL NOT talk to a woman. She would be like my mother...there is no way. I choose Richard for the sole reason that he shares the same name as the Beatles drummer Ringo.

Our first appt. we tell him we plan to be dead by the time we are 23. He nods his head and asks when my b-day is. I tell him. We have a DEAD line, a time table, we have a lot of work to do.

We begin by Ste forcing me to tell Richard our dirty secret. We have had sex with all of our brothers. A brick falls from the walls that have surrounded me, isolated me and protected me for so long. No light comes in cause they are so tall and I am
so deep inside. Doesn't matter the healing has begun.

(to be continued in part two)
View Thread

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted byDOGDANCING_TCOS

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Healing journey part 1 - TRIGGER SA/SI ************************** ***************************** *********...

Reply: Healing journey part 1 - TRIGGER SA/SI

*************************** ***************************** *********...

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted by DOGDANCING_TCOS

*************************** ***************************** ********* ****************************** **************************** ********

A healing journey - part one - From which I came

I had already decided life was not for me when I was 3 and tried to kill my self. I don't know when the sexual abuse started, but by the time I was 5 I was fracturing out into sub-personalities. I knew two things as a child.

People hurt you and I was put on this planet to be hurt. I hated everyone. But my worse enemy was my body. ooohhh how I hated it. I hated it for being weak and wanting/needing to be touched. I starved it, I put it into danger, ran out in front of cars and tried to freeze it to death. Couldn't shake that monster that was around me... encased me. We hated each other.It was weak and
ugly.

School was a new hell. The abuse continued tormented and harassed my classmates. "Oh PAD-JA" they would call slaughtering my name, slicing into my soul. I was the witch, the weirdo, the stinky shy ugly girl who talked
to herself. Was there no where to escape to? I had only one friend, she moved. found another, he died, found another she moved...I give up trying.

Find the Beatles records in my parents closet...I have friends at last. Friends that can't hurt me. They sing me to sleep night after night.

I was never 8. That year is gone, purged from my rotting mind, what ever personality was there at that time died some horrific death.

I speak to no one. I am alone in my mind...I am so afraid. I am weak. I punish my self for being weak. The switch from the apple tree cuts into my flesh again and again.

My dark eyes reflect madness and hatred behind a veil of bangs. DON'T LOOK AT ME. I am invisible. I think I have cancer. Tumors rotting in me. Hope they kill me.

I want a mama. Someone to hold me and tell me they want/need me. There is no one to hold me. Mama is cold and distant. We are strangers. I am afraid of her. I tell her nothing. Dad works hard but he looses his temper and I see rage of frightening proportions. I am afraid he is going to kill us. I have that same rage brewing in me. I wonder if someday I will go super-nova and kill someone.

I start burning my selves in 1977. I plan to cover my self with scars and as they fade to ghost white - disapear. I think, if I make my self ugly enough no one will want to touch me again. Doesn't work.

View Thread

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

Posted byDOGDANCING_TCOS

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Healing journey part 1 - TRIGGER SA/SI *************************** ***************************** *********...

previous

123 4 5

next

Back to Top

See Related Mental Health Communities

See All Communities

Women's Health Newsletter

Find out what women really need.

Other Member Communities

Dieting Club: 10 - 25 Lbs Member Community Share Your Tips and Support!
Caregiving Member Community The Support and Understanding You Need!
Parenting Friends Talking Member Community Get Support from Members Like You!

The opinions expressed in WebMD User-generated content areas like communities, reviews, ratings, or blogs are solely those of the User, who may or may not have medical or scientific training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of WebMD. User-generated content areas are not reviewed by a WebMD physician or any member of the WebMD editorial staff for accuracy, balance, objectivity, or any other reason except for compliance with our Terms and Conditions. Some of these opinions may contain information about treatments or uses of drug products that have not been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. WebMD does not endorse any specific product, service, or treatment.

Do not consider WebMD User-generated content as medical advice. Never delay or disregard seeking professional medical advice from your doctor or other qualified healthcare provider because of something you have read on WebMD. You should always speak with your doctor before you start, stop, or change any prescribed part of your care plan or treatment. WebMD understands that reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment from a qualified health care provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or dial 911 immediately.

Health Solutions From Our Sponsors

In-depth coverage:

Recognizing & Treating Depression|Healthy Mouth Help|RA Assessment|Living Healthy Guide|Family & Pregnancy Toolbox|Low Testosterone

Find us on:

URAC: Accredited Health Web Site

TRUSTe online privacy certification

HonCode: Health on the Net Foundation AdChoices

About WebMD Advertise With Us Terms of Use Privacy Policy Sponsor Policy Site Map Careers Contact Us

Medscape Reference eMedicineHealth RxList Medscape MedicineNet BootsWebMD WebMD Corporate

First Aid WebMD Magazine WebMD Health Record WebMD Mobile Newsletters Dictionary Physician Directory

©2005-2013 WebMD, LLC. All rights reserved.

WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. See additional information.