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Caprice posted this on the self injury board 4 months ago before she was
she would have been the first to come aboard on the boat ride. I can think of nothing more soothing and comforting then her words.
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lights of this community - by Caprice_Web_MD_Staff
They are YOU.[br>[br>Yes, you. Each of you.[br>[br>You each bring so much to this community. Your caring, spirit, generosity, wisdom, humor, kindness are evident despite how each of you struggle. How you reach out to help one another absolutely SHINES.[br>[br>I include each and every one of you in this so please don't think "oh, she's not talking about ME".... well, I AM talking about YOU.[br>[br>You humble me. I hope that today you will find at least one small way to be as kind to yourself as you are to others here. You deserve it.[br>[br>Shine on.
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You: Yesterday I started a post and as I was writing, I cried and cried. I then hit delete instead of post. I was a fraid of what people would think of me for being in downer mode
This board is for all of us. Not just those who are healed. We are all in different places in our healing journey.
If you are down, be down, don't slap on a happy face to please us. This board is one place you can be real, honest and who you are.
There is no need to apologies or worry about bringing others down. Do you know that reaching out to help others who are hurting is healing for others? To be able to offer the love and compassion many were denied in childhood to others is healing.
You: Why do I want to be heard? Why is it so important to feel as though I am understood.
Because you need validation. You need the simple curtisy of being seen. You are worth being seen and heard. Because you have been backed into a corner and you are ready to come out swinging, but you don't know how. You don't know how to speak up for yourself.
How long as it been since you had a physical done? If you are in the postmenopausal range you could be having the extra added hormonal fluctuation to further make life choppy for you.
Sometimes finding peace means looking at all the whole picture not just the symptoms. Are you eating healthy? getting some exercise, enjoying hobbies...etc. Are you living or just existing?
You are ready to stop running and start healing. You know that don't you? The very fact that you are here and reaching out says, I am done, running, I am ready to stand my ground and change things for me.
Good for you.
We are all our own worse enemies. No one knows you like you do. You will befriend her in time. That anger and chaos in your head can be refocused into a powerful healing tool. And you will save that woman you see in the mirror.View Thread

welcome to the board, Glad you found us. So sorry you have need to be here.
As I read through this thread one thing kept coming up.
the need to tell you, whoa!!
You sound like a run away horse galloping hellbent this way and that way lathered up and deathly afraid of slowing down or stopping.
I am not going to advice you to slow down, heck I am going to advice you to STOP. Just stop. Stand still for a moment and don't move.
Your life sounds like it is revolving around your at lightspeed.
that you are running so fast...in an attempt to outrun the past, outrun the emotions, out run it all.
STOP.
Take a deep breath.
Use this board as a hitching post to latch onto and get grounded and refocused.
You are trying to out run the monsters from your childhood and your daughters childhood, and now your grand childs.
Has no one told you, you can't out run this. The way you deal with it is to STOP - hold your ground and face it. You will never get your power back while you are fleeing.
You get it back by stopping, drawing a line in the sand with a stick then shouldering the stick and threatening anything that comes over the line with a whack to the head.
First rule of saving a drowning person is.....don't be drowning next to them.
You will not be able to effectively help daughter/grand etc if you - yourself have not reached a stable level in your own healing.
heh, sorry...guess I should introduce myself. I am Paja. Known big mouth on the board. You can ignore me if you want. I am not one to smile and pat you on the head, I am one that will play hard ball with you.
One thing to think about..
you said: My daughter brought it to his attention at first he denied and said it had a mind of it's own and when he was playing his daughter was bouncing or brushing up against it. He was ashamed and embarrassed.
men get erections for all dumb sorts of things. HE DID THE RIGHT THING. He removed himself from the situation. He was ashamed and embarrassed.
I have a daughter and let me tell you, i DID NOT WANT A DAUGHTER, for the very reason of not wanting to face the father/daughter dynamics.
It triggered me IMMENSELY. It changed my relationship with my husband and my son. Now they were viewed as potential abusers, vs father and brother.
It is a fiiiiiine line between protecting G-daughter and ruining her relationship with her father. Girls need a healthy good father role model. You can damage that by making her afraid of him.
I had several conversations with my hubby on this subject. So he knew EVERTHING he did with his daughter is a trigger to me. I helped him learn boundaries. (rather then sitting on his lap, she would sit next to him) etc.
again, welcome to the board, glad you found us. I hope you find what we all have found here. A wonderful place to come and be heard and speak thoughts aloud with others who understand.
Peace be the journey
Paja
View Thread

In my best captain Jack Sparrow accent I ask.."where's the rum?"
.*water dripping off me in a steady rain*
(you all laugh and remind me I don't drink)
"then someone Pepsi me!!"
.*Climb the mast and hang the jolly roger, and the flag with a lantern on it*
our boat needs a name.
I call a vote for the USS Caprice. She can't be with us anymore so she can't veto the idea. LOL.
(Yes my friend, webmd may silence your voice, but you will not be forgotten, nor left behind in any boat excursions. You will always be a part of us.)
From the crows nest my voice floats down...
"I will stay watch up here and holler when I see anyone over board that needs hauled aboard to bask in the sun and relaxation."View Thread

When is your last chemotherapy?
we need to plan a cyber party. Something to look forward to, the closing of this fight. So you can then focus on the next fight.
I hope the advocate is able to help you sort all the legal stuff.
I am so proud of you for facing this and getting justice done. So many of us never take this step.View Thread

Going public with these issues can be triggering. Can make you feel exposed/vulnerable right along side the empowering feelings you are having. I hope you are taking extra care of yourself as you make this transition from the silent unseen to the IMINYOURFACE!
Loved the writing you have done.
peace be the journey
PajaView Thread

Grounding techniques.
What works for me is to get into a routine. Initially I would start my day with a set of them. To orient me right off. Then as time passed I only needed to do them when necessary. Kinda like re-training my body/brain.
Grounding techniques can be triggering - use caution /a have a back up plan if you get triggered. There designed to keep you in the moment...the moment you are actively running from.
Can be done anywhere:
go to bathroom, hold wrists under cold running water. Deep slow breaths. Focus on the water. After a say 20 deep breaths place your wet hands around your neck and look into your eyes in the mirror. (this can be difficult if you never look yourself in the eyes, might take some practice)
Carry a anchor. It can be a polished rock, (I carry a piece of malachite) a small totem, chess piece, checker, toy, monopoly, etc. When your need to "stay put" pull it out and roll it about your hand/squeeze it/look at it and mentally repeat something like "Stay here, Stay put" (I use SIT UBOO...heehee it makes me laugh which has the extra benifit of calming me and helping me to see it okay and easing the tension that is making me want to run.)
SRH, WAYG?SH! = writing notes to your self on papers. I used this all through high school. When I felt my self drifting off, I would scrawl on the margins of my paper or cover of my note books...SRH (stay right here) WAYG?SH! (where are you going? stay here!) but most often found on my papers is this one....BYS....LOL (Behave your selfs)
At home:
Face off - stare yourself down. Till you stop looking through yourself and the inner chatter of (ew I am fat, old, wrinkly, pimply gross, etc) stops and you are simply left in silence to look at yourself. Then sup your face and say. Hello ____.
Do a morning round up. (can be very triggering) Before you get dressed, run your hand down each extremity and focus on the skin on skin. Verbally chatter while doing this, "morning arm, hello hand. Glad you are connected to me, nice to see you today". Do your whole body.
After a morning round up, do a battle cry. "Legs! arms! you too belly! We are off to start the day, TOO TALLO HETOOHEY!!!" or "FORWARD THE EGGS!", make up your own battle cry. Which can be used also as a verbal/mental reminder anywhere at anytime you feel yourself drifting off.
Living in the moment is difficult once you master the art of dissociation. It takes practice to not just automatically slip into that head space. Allow yourself time to learn, practice and find what helps you.
Peace be the journey.View Thread

I am 47 now, and have retained the ability to life in a fractured state. I can integrate and be "one" but I find that too hard to function at 100% of the time. So most of the time we "sandwalk" (ie are co-conscious and walk/talk in single file to hide our numbers)
It does take a conscious effort to be at "center" because it it easier to life a little blurred out. And your concern about one day not coming back is a valid one.
There are many good techniques to ground ones self. Sometimes you have to schedule them in to your day to keep you on track. Or if you know you are going to do something that will spin you out, do the grounding work prior the event and then after too.
It gets easier with practice and the focus of wanting to be aware of it and working to redirect yourself. That is if you want to change/redirect this behavior.
While I used to dissociate say 8 rooms away from events. (ie event happening...I open door in my head and go into next room, which is the usually dissociation running room we all head into. but for some of us we keep going, open door, hide in room 2, etc till we get so far away from ourselves we get lost/can't find our way back)
I have over time locked the more distant rooms in my mind and now when spooked or choose too, only run 2-3 rooms away from center.
This was a conscious choice on my part to stay more in tuned to my life. (and to prevent the further fracturing into more alters)
I can list you some grounding techniques if you are interested.View Thread

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