to hush the never ending question of why she gave her life to the sky and now I lay me down to sleep no more shall I weep to give to live not possible in this brain full of the stench of being insane I seek the lulling hush of eden's arm to shelter me from harm the smell of century's of damp decay I seek to leave the world to its self imposed disarray I put on my blinders and look away I don't want to live is all I'll say so now I lay me down to sleep in this fern heap I'll put out my pilot light and say goodnight.
October 2, 1989
*************** strong triggering subject regarding sexual abuse to be posted below. I am including it here because you need to see how I healed, and one of the ways I did that was by looking hard at what made me injure when I did. Then learning to see triggering events and avoiding them or reaching for help rather then the matches. ****************
[DELETED!!> well I made it 5 months without harming my self. I called Richard no answer, called answering service and left message. He called back 1/2 later. I couldn't tell him I was going to injure. Ste was mute, his throat clamped shut. We tried, and failed to communicate. Burned my arm a good one, nice big 3rd degree burn. I feel funny like I'm not ashamed, I'm not crazy, I'm not sorry. I just don't care anymore.
Perhaps I realized that my B-day is looming up fast and I got scared. Tired of fighting, who knows. I'm canceling my appt tomorrow. i don't want Richard to know about it. I need time to think.
Actually I bet it had to do with: 1. Touching/trust exercise Saturday at the "special friends" seminar (of shoot of the big sister/brother program - you are paired with a at risk kid in a school setting)
2. Doctor show Sunday about diagnosing sexual abuse - they showed the vagina as a clock. They said with sexual abuse most trauma/scarring would be seen from 3 o'clock to 9 o'clock going clockwise. (the bottom of the vagina)
Most of the scarring/damage I have is from 9 to 3 o'clock on the top. Which supports the memories of being held down face first. (that would turn the clock over) thus showing all the trauma where it shows up on sexual abuse victims. Conformation that the story Ste tells me happened is true.
I still feel empty. So i hurt my self?! I'm not excited about it. I'm numb and slightly confused.
October 4, 1989
I tried to call and cancel my appt. As soon as he got the message he called me back. He told me that it didn't matter no matter what happened he still cares and wanted to see me. I told him I couldn't deal with it this week, I needed time to think about what happened. He said he respected my need for space. He was going to leave my hour open so I could come in if I wanted to.
I hollered at him and I feel bad about that. He wanted to know if I was testing him. I told him the truth, no.
Felt good to talk with Richard today. Talked about how I wanted someone to blame. I NEED someone to blame...someone other that ME to focus the anger on.
Sept 16, 1989
I still feel like I am on a chain swinging to and fro between wanting to hurt my self and living...and as I swing life tries to grab me and hold me to it, and so does the self mutilation part. I am being yanked apart. I am beginning to lose control and just space off as I yo-yo around.
Sept 20, 1989
Gave Richard the letter I wrote on the 15th. It clearly stated that if I didn't get the self mutilation under control by my birthday that I would kill my self before 10:45 am November 14, 1989. Written evidence he could use to stop me if it came to that. He could have me locked up with that paper. I'm glad I gave it to him. No matter what I think I'M GOING TO LIVE. I'll do anything to insure that I'm alive 10:46 am November 14th
On the way home I stopped and got a cheesecake to eat. Celebration that I haven't harmed my self today! It is past midnight! one more day has passed without me hurting my self!! Bravo little one! Smile!
Sept 23, 1989
Finally broke through the silence barrier and can tell someone else that I feel like hurting my self. i find the little praises I give me self for the little things I am doing, works wonders for my moral. I enjoy the praise. Stopping all the negative self talk is HARD! Like in two minutes I have made it through another day with out injuring! YEAH! I am going to work on taking better care of my self. Nurturing me.
Sept 28, 1989
A little more than a month to complete all the things that must be done before I can kill my self.
(interesting now to look back over the list of items...I can see that Ste kept adding to the bottom of the list so that I would never complete it.)
I awake from my dreamless sleep and bound out of bed full of energy and plans. As I manically race to get dress and begin all the projects in my head I pause to tell my reflection. "I'm okay! I don't need therapy. I can quit now I'm all healed. I have put the monsters to bed and I won! I'm cured" I flash my self my I-cheat-in-scrabble-smile and brush my wild long dark hair.
Ste weary watches and begins setting up the safety net. He knows I will come plummeting down from that mood. He stays close.
August 3, 1989
Well it has been decided. i'm going back to school to be a teacher - none of this nurse stuff, I really want to teach! Guess what I did! I hacked 6 INCHES off my hair! I LOVE IT! For once I didn't do it out of punishment of need to make my self ugly. I just did to change my style to a more adult sophisticated style. I feel like it would take a [deleted> freight train to
stop me now! I'm going to be a teacher!! I'm going to live! I have to I want to!!
Ste paces restlessly in my head on constant vigil. He is not fooled by my sunny disposition.
Sept 4, 1989
7:00am Brother and his wife are here. I just can't go over and see them. I am SOOO BLEEPING JEALOUS HE HAS A WIFE AND KIDS!! someone to love him. Me I am just alone, always alone. It bothers me to see them, any of my brothers. All I see are people unaffected by what we have been through. Why was I affected so? They can marry hand have a happy life life but NO Paja she is always alone ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS. I HATE IT I HATE IT!!! IT IS NOT FAIR! I am so jealous. I see it as a mark on my soul that they can come out of the family unscathed and I can't.
11:30 pm While dressing for work I decided I'ld rather be crazy and insane, because sanity offered me nothing. Was ready to quit therapy and hypnotherapy. Had it all planned, dressed in black and oozing coldness and craziness I'ld go tell everyone that if the only way my family would accept me was crazy then I would be crazy and forever sick so I could fit in.
Realized I have to be sane for me. I have to quit looking at my life through others eyes and life my life for me. TAKE CARE OF ME! I'm tired of being alone. I'm not good company for my self.
ANGRY. i just don't care anymore. I wanta stop and just jell in a state of inactivity. I have no energy for school, life or me. Yup depression time. But it will pass. It has to, I couldn't life like this forever. It will pass, it always does. I must hang on. I knew it would be hard to fight my selves over the self mutilation. I just want to freak out and go on a rampage and clean all the anger out of my system....but it is a bottomless pit of anger and it would consume me.
No my friends we have not thrown you away. I am always here for all of you. In this chaotic insane world you can always find us here. Even if we can't help with whats going on, we will listen and bear witness.
Wish we were there to lend a hand so you could get some sleep. Lend you our crazy quilt (made by a genuine crazy woman) to protect you in the dreamtime.
****************************** **************************** ************ *************************************** ************************ ******* part 3 continued:
He said and took it as sign of progress, because it showed I was valuing therapy more. I wanted to tell him "no just you more". It is a debt I"ll never be able to repay. His help and re-parenting and friendship has been beyond words. (ETgibNURAundy! = my secret language for that feeling, that emotion.)
May 9, 1988
I am like a captured wild horse I am proud, fierce, angry, frightened I'll tolerate your presence but don't come close or I will strike out because you frighten me. Many people have tried to tame me. They have tried to rope me into submission. I'll hang my self on your ropes rather then lower my guard. I won't be yours I can't be caught my soul is an enigma if you look close you can see the pain in my mysterious sapphire eyes.
June 12, 1988
It is a daily struggle to stay in this world but at the moment I'm winning see me grinning! how can I tell? I no longer feel like I am in hell..
July 20, 1988
Other people hate? What demons dance in your mind? is it a cure you seek to find? A way to end the hate? Little one it is too late... there is no cure to find... it is just a state of mind, with you balanced precariously in the middle, on a line always to little so you have to trust the world.
(please note the dates...this stuff is all in the past. These are actual entry's from my journals.)
A healing journey part three - In the belly of the beast
March 30, 1988
well it is official - we are switching to the HMO insurance on May 1st. I am not dealing well with this news. This means I lose my mental health coverage. I am not ready to stop therapy!! AAAGGHHH!!! I am scared and feeling abandoned.
April 19, 1988
at work. yesterday I was going to leave work drive home and OD on drugs and kill me self. i had to call Richard last night cause I wanted to harm my self. The first time I hung up just as he answered. (he had given me his home # - this was the first of two times I bothered him at home. I never abused the trust of the number being given to me. Even today I find that to be a powerful gesture from him. He gave me his home number, He wanted me to be able to reach him in an emergency. He cared that much about my safety.)
The second time my body walked away from the phone so I couldn't hang up. We talked for about 8 minutes. I'm beginning to understand what this fight inside is all about. The VERY STRONG part of me that has kept me safe and alive all those years is not willing to let the new me live. It feels threatened. It is not going to be easy but I must find a way to pacify it and reassure it that I can be in an up state and still in control.
April 21, 1998 The look of concern in Richards eyes told me all I needed to know, he really does care. There was a hint of panic in his voice as we talked. He kept telling me he cares about me and that he's grown to like me. Another person tangled in my web. People who I love or care about or need, all leave me hurt or die on me. The various sides of me wants to die. No more hate, an eternal peace, a calm , a hush.
April 30, 1988
He sits there listening to me sob as I tell him the insurance is gone next week and this will have to be our last session. My gut is twisted and torn, part of me wanting to run back, part of me wanting to run forward. He hands me a tissue and says, "Paja our work here isn't finished." I wail "I can't pay you the 60 dollars and hour!" He gently tells me, "I will continue seeing you for the co-pay amount."
My blood freezes....the room is deathly still. I look at the 10.00 bill in my hand. The magnitude of this gesture is HUGE. F'in HUGE MAN. "you are going to take a 50 dollar and hour pay cut to work with me? WHY!?" I demand.
He smiles and his brown eyes sparkle, "cause you are worth it to me." That gesture knocked off a lot of bricks off my walls. I don't think he realized just how HUGE that was to me. He kept his word and continued to see me for the 10.00 an hour. He never set a limit on our therapy, he never asked for a raise. He saw me for another year and 1/2 for that amount.
Later that year when I could afford it, I gave him a raise of 5.00 and hour. He raised his eyebrows when I handed over the 15.00.
"What's this?" He reminded me of our agreement.
I smiled. "I'm giving all my employees raises."
He got a happy look on his face and with hind sight I know what he must have been thinking. I bet he was thinking.."Win for the Paja team. She is healing and seeing the value of our work and that she is worth this investment."
try scents. like put vic vapor rub on your neck, or a dash of perfume on the blankets, burn a little sweet grass and air the room with the smoke. A bowel of fresh cut heavely scented flowers, dust your pillow with a perfumed powder and put back in pillow case.
Change up the linens, all fresh bedding and try a different order of the blankets (ex if you use a sheet take it off so you are next to the blanket instead, and visa-versa if you don't use a sheet add one.
New jammies if you sleep in them.
indulge yourself with a new stuffed animal to sleep with.
Change the direction of your bed.
Also try a dose of aspirin or Tylenol before bed in case you are having pain and the is your brain interpreting your pain and it come through as nightmares.
All this enabled your brain to get out of its rut.
Changes things up just enough that you might get a reprieve from the bad dreams.
Could be pms related too...your fluctuating hormones can trigger nightmares.
I hope you will find peace in the dreamtime soon.View Thread
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
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