I don't have anywhere else to go with this right now. I was sexually abused as a child by my brother. I told my parents we talked about it once and it was never brought up again. I never went to counseling, and was left to deal with everything. The only thing that helped was painting, the reason I am an artist is because it helped me overcome so much. Because of this I became a teacher to help other people. This is my first year of teaching, I had my first student tell me about abuse. It has sent me spiraling. Seeing my student in the same pain I felt doing the same things I do when I am not doing well was overwhelming. I shut down I didn't want to be in class any more, I had to tell the administration it was a lot for me to handle. I went home and laid on my bed and didn't feel like moving, fell asleep for 2 hours. My parents came to visit this weekend, I don't feel like being around them, It hurts to act like everything is just fine. I can't tell them whats going on I can't talk to them about anything. Most the time I am ok, but then there are days like this. I want to be ok, I pretend to be ok. I get in bad relationships the guys are usually emotionally abusive and very physical, I am worried I wont ever be ok, I am worried that I wont be able to help the kids I want to be able to help. I don't know what to do... I just want to forget about it and have it not effect me I just want to be normal. Im sick to my stomach, I have tried therapy but I get nervous and stop going. I am afraid if I do I will feel like this all of the time. Right now I usually can push it all away for a little while. I need help.View Thread
Better. Not fully back but things are working out, and I think that this whole issue is turning into a positive thing. I saw the student today and they were so friendly and sweet to me.... I realized that they didn't hate me for telling when they didn't want me too. I also have realized that I have things I need to work on and deal with. That as much as you push every thing away it eventually will force its way to the surface.
I made an appointment for therapy. Im am nervous but I know I need to do it and not get scared and run away. I have good friends who helped me realize I needed to be strong enough for myself to take care of myself.
Im glad I found all of you, thank you for your encouraging words.View Thread
I am not doing a good job of pretending this weekend. I am such a grouch, and I can't help it. I want to be alone I don't want to have to entertain all the family in town. Having to share my space when I feel like this is extremely hard. I have to hide my journals whenever my mom is in town because in the past she has taken them and read them. I feel like I am on emotional/mental overload and can't use my normal coping because there are so many people around that keep adding to the pile. I feel like a bad person, this isn't me Im a happy person but after everything that has happened this week all the triggers in my life this week, I have a hard time just feeling ok. I need a few days to just be alone. I hope I don't sound like I am complaining too much; I do try to look for the good in life but sometimes it gets well exhausting. Im venting and I hope that is ok.
I have had a hard time with guys lately. One hurt me extremely bad he used me for sex. Every time he would make me feel like he would leave me if I wouldn't have sex with him and then I would give in and he would still stop talking to me for weeks or monthsâ€¦ I went back to him 4 times- what is wrong with me. The last 2 weeks there has been a new guy so nice so sweet, but I want nothing to do with him the niceness scares me. I am not use to being treated like that by men. So I start ignoring him, it is what I do to everyone who gets too close or scares me. He texted and called over and over and I keep ignoring. Last night he finally asked me to please be honest with him and tell him why when he thought we had such a good thing going that I would just disappear. I answered that I was scared; that I had a lot of issues I was dealing with at the moment blah blah blah. He got mad, he said he was paying for all these other guys mistakes and that when I got over all my "issues" to "hit him up"- There it is what I was waiting for the niceness was an act he is another one of the pigs.
Im so sick of it, I would rather be alone forever. I was so angry and I know I will never be able to find a good relationship because of my "ISSUES" I hate my ISSUE the one that isn't my fault I didn't want it, the abuse has changed my life I often think what would I be like if these things had never happened to meâ€¦ guess I will never know.- I need my space, I need to not be around family and that makes me sad because it is mothers day and I am not being the nicest to mine today but I feel like I can't help it, I am angry with her lately for her role in my abuse. Im just a little angry.View Thread
Thank you for your advice, I'm glad I have the weekend to gather myself before having to go back to the classroom. I am super nervous about having to Be involved more in the process of reporting the abuse of this student, I hope I am strong enough to handle it.
I want to go back to therapy but have the fear that they won't tho k I need to be there that they will think I am stupid and need to just get over it. My parents told me when this all happened to forgive and forget... I have not done either Nd feel horrible for it.
I'm glad to have a place to talk about this, the few that know don't always understand because they have not en through this. Thank you for your advice I need it View Thread