Not at all - I thought your post was interesting and I can relate on every point. The social situations are exhausting. Sometimes if I'm in a group I look around and think that I'm the only one who knows there is a dangerous killer lurking around the corner and everyone else is blissfully ignorant. Constantly on the alert for danger. Another thing: when I'm walking down the street, standing in line, etc., I make eye contact with everyone. People think I'm friendly. But I do it so I can make a split-second assessment of whether or not the person is a threat. Sigh. If only we could use these powers for something constructive and healing...I guess that's the goal. Thanks again.View Thread
Thanks for your thoughtful post. You should give advice more often...you gave me some insight. I too have always favored having my back to a wall, facing doors. I especially like corners. I have come to realize that it is a primitive attempt to protect myself as a child in a situation where there was no safety (or predictability). I plan to take steps tomorrow to move my furniture. Also I like your idea to keep a pad and pencils or crayons handy. I've always been a doodler but lately I have the urge to create -- draw, paint, write, sew -- all the time. It's as if by rooting out the most horrific memories that I've spent so much energy concealing/denying, I have a lot more energy for other things. So when I'm not on the roller coaster of hating all of mankind/wishing desperately for rescue/sobbing in despair, I'm actually ok and that's when I want to make stuff. Like right now. I should be going to bed, but instead I'm sewing -- pajamas for my son, skirts for my little girl. I guess there are worse vices. I'm also lucky that I can have private, quiet moments at work when necessary - I can close my door (and it even has a lock, though no one else uses theirs). Anyway, you got me thinking, in a good way, and I am grateful.View Thread
I'm finding it difficult to function sometimes at work. I feel like I'm an alien from another planet and if anyone knew what was in my head they would escort me out of the building. At times I'm in my office with the door closed, filled with despair, crying, rocking. Other times I'm talking to my colleagues with great energy. Very manic feeling. I feel like I'm spinning out of control. The worst thing is if someone comes into my office to talk. The way my furniture is arranged they wind up sitting between me and the door. It feels very unsafe. Almost all of my colleagues are men. Wonderful, smart, sweet men who I consider friends. But now when they're in my office I feel threatened and I want to escape. I'm so afraid that I'm going to have a breakdown someday or blurt out something inappropriate. How do I do this???View Thread
Thank you and others who were kind enough to respond. I have a hard time thinking about celebrating. I felt liberated and strong right after my appt but since then I've been a train wreck and I feel like I let down both therapists by being too weak to handle the aftermath. They both say I'm brave but I sure don't feel it now. Everything is very raw and I am up/down/up/down. I could probably paint the house, run a marathon, and beat someone up (I have never done any of these things) but then I feel like I could sleep for days. I even found myself wishing I would be hit by a car walking to work - nothing too serious, but enough to put me in the hospital for a while, just to be cared for. Sick stuff, I know. Anyway, I have two small kids so this self-pity is an indulgence I can't afford. Thank God for them - they give me so much love. I feel unworthy but I try to fake it. I have felt an urge to be creative -- my mom was an artist -- so I've been drawing a bit, and even dusted off the old sewing machine. A lot has been unleashed -- I'm just not sure what all of it is. Plus I am now more aware that there are parts of me (I know we all have them, to some degree) and that from time to time I am not exactly in control of these parts. I've never been able to admit that and it's terrifying. God there is just so much I have to say and I don't know how to say it all. I guess it's good that I'm saying it, however rambling and ineloquent it may be. So thanks to everyone for allowing me to say it.View Thread
I'm new here. Been in therapy about 3 years, recently participated in EMDR session with my therapist and another (a specialist in EMDR). Good and bad -- the session was intense and tiring, but seemed to release some of the most haunting and difficult memories that I have suppressed. I find I am not reliving things in real time, but still the memories are there. Everything has now shifted for me and I am adjusting to life with the big scary icky stuff out in the open. That's good I guess because at least I can deal with it now, rather than re-experiencing it so intensely. But I also can't deny it any more. I'm kind of a mess. Sad, angry, confused, happy, sad again. Wanted to hurt myself for the first time in a long, long time. I feel exposed and overwhelmed. I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm hoping that this place can help me sort this out. Thanks.View Thread
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