I've been reading your posts and felt a need to respond... Your paragraph regarding: "haven't you heard it's all made up..." above really hit home with me. It was actually the line "We're the dirty people from around the corner that no one wants to associate with," that called out to me.
I was an "unwanted" child... I should have been aborted but instead was forced into being born into a world that pounded into me again and again that I was not only, not wanted, but that I did not matter, did not exist as a person... I was an object to be used, abused at the will of others be it individuals, systems, government, society...etc. This went on for 45 years.
"Do I really think that people care about you?" I would say that I am certain there are those who do....
I felt this way but now have a loving friend, who is a sister of my heart, who has shown me she cares greatly. I have a partner now who loves me and cares. I have my cat who cares and perhaps even a few others out there somewhere who may care.
This is why I am convinced there are people who care about you... if you will let them. Please be gentle with yourself...View Thread
I, too, question all of the time, what is real and what is not. I mean, I know the abuse was real to some extent. It's like the flashbacks, the intrusive memories, current everyday life all blends together for me. I can awaken from a nightmare and that nightmare will stay with me all day, this will trigger the memories, the flashbacks and everything becomes one big blur so I feel lost. The worse part... Nothing about me, not just everything around me, etc... feels real. I question if even I exist or if I'm just a figment of someone's mind. My T states this last part is due to my disassociation.
What I do know... I want it all to stop and if it refuses to then I want for me to stop.View Thread
I have been in therapy since age 18 and I am 46 now. I ask my T every session, how much longer, how many more years of this, where is the end to my madness?
I find myself thinking like LLT, that I will need "watching over" for the rest of my life. After 46 years, shouldn't I be healed already? Shouldn't I be able to live and not just exist with this crap within me?
I struggle daily with: Do I continue this fight or do I finally succeed at the big S?