I don't recognize myself anymore. I feel numb and hard hearted and my sexual behavior has changed so much. Why can't I just go back or be normal? Why am I the way that I am now? I always feel so ashamed.View Thread
My name is Megan, I'm 24.... Thought I had put everything behind me and moved on. But lately I've been having a hard time dealing with...everything. It's been that long since my estranged husband (not estranged at the time) raped me, and it's affecting me more now than it ever has. His "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" excuse irritates me more than ever. But doesn't hurt as much as the "I felt like sex was all I was good for, I guess it was some kind of payback. I don't know, I don't remember, I was drunk." He always complains about how he could never be with anyone else and is afraid to touch another woman because I've given him a complex...so sometimes I just have sex with him but I always end up in so much pain that I'm shoving him off of me. The last time he got so angry with me. I don't know what he wants from me. He makes me feel guilty for having trouble dealing with something he did to me. Drunk or not. I understand that I can't hold it against him forever especially because of our child, and I do my best not to, but seriously if I could just stop the memories and the physical and emotional pain I would. I can't be with anyone. It hurts too much. I can't even have my yearly exam done without having a panic attack. If I could do something to forget I would, but it's in my head everyday. All day, everyday. The sounds, the things he said to me, my son's little 8 month old eyes watching, him crying for me, the smell of the alcohol. I feel out of control most days and when I feel like that I crave anything to make me feel better but I have to be responsible for my child so I just bottle it all up. I feel like I'm ready to lose it. The last time I felt like this was 2 years ago I took 17 of my 40 mg antidepressants. I just had to forget. I would never do that again but I pray and beg God to just let me forget. I see my husband everyday. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just forget but each passing day the memories and the feelings...everything is just getting worse!!View Thread
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