I try to appear tough around here but still I'm human.I hurt like anyone else and tonight I'm hurting really bad.I need more support than I have right now.I don't know anyone that have or are going through what I'm or shall I say M.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
M had to have a triple bypass and I don't know how to deal with this.Doctor said the meds didn't work and that happens with those that have diabetes.I saw on the internet what and how they do it and that has me a little tight.The % of those who don't make it off the table and those that do still will in a few months.
I need some reassurance cause nothing else matter. I know GOD is still in the healing business,passing out blessings and saving souls.
Tonight God I need you to send down your blessing.Will you spare my child and yours?..........Please!!!!!!!!!
I thank you for everything that you've brought us through in our lives.You're the only one that can heal the unhealable,take the end and make it a beginning.If this is a test for us then you have the answers cause we can't do it alone.I speak it like I mean it tonight and I want you to truly hear me.
Lord touch her heart,let her feel the love,compassion and power of all that you do.See our tears,feel our pain not only for M and I but for anyone who is in need of your blessing as well.Now I feel like I'm in the presence of God cause your name is refreshed.
Keeping everyone in my prayers and thoughts.View Thread
Sorry that you're going through some things as well.I hope that each of you can come to a point of comfort for all involve.It's a tough situation and we know we can't fix everything but that don't stop us from trying.If we can't make them happy then we at least want them to be comfortable with it.Hope the issue gets straighten out and everyone is at ease.
I know God is always there but I just need to feel I'm connected to him.That's the only way I can speak like I mean it cause no one can play God but GOD.Just can't find that place in me to call on him even though he sees I'm tired.In between time I need help but I don't think now is a good time to get it.Haven't been in therapy in fifteen years so I don't know about it.I have enough to deal with the moment.
All of this seems like a big dream that I can't wake up from.
I wasn't finish this but I was called away.Hit the wrong button would be my guess.For a few days you know I've been praying a lot cause sometimes that's all I can do.He's near the brokenhearted and saves those who crushed in spirit.You find comfort feeling like you're in the presence of GOD and it reminds me that he's always there.
I'm 47 and have been praying for a long time but tonight it's different.I have never struggle to even call his name before but I'm having a hard time with that.Like something is outta place or not right.Right now I'm a broken mad-man and the music isn't doing for me either.I'm packed with guilt cause the one and only person I have close to me I can't help.
I can take a lot of things but this is to hard for me to deal with.Give me the pain,I'll take the pain of every woman and child just that one person.I guess people may think I'm crazy for doing that but that's family.
I know you are giving me some sound advice and I thank you for that.I wanted the truth and I got that but wish I didn't. I'm letting this get to pretty bad and sometimes I wish I wasn't here no more or that my problems would just disappear. Steady asking God why It gotta be like this?
I ask god to make my heart cold tonight cause I don't wanna feel the pain.I didn't think that she would be that open about it and admit to doing wrong but she did.I been there and I'm getting depressed about it again.I don't want that,don't wanna fall into a deep depression.
Feel like somebody burning candles on me.Everything just seems wrong but all so real.View Thread
Lately I haven't been on cause for pass couple of days I just felt like I needed to be alone.Different things going on,family issues,mom still in town and I'm stressing out on so many levels. I've seen and heard lots of things but yet she never seems to amaze me.Before today I was feeling like in some kind of way I was cheating M out of something but I don't know what that something is.I don't wanna lose it in all of this cause it's getting to be a bit too much.
I had these feelings but I didn't wanted them to be.I wanted to understand cause they were to hard for me to conceal the feelings.Somethings are not always what they appear to be and I can't break down to anyone why I have these feelings.Ran into mom at the gas station and that's when I decided to just keep these feelings to myself.She is really making it hard for people to respect her and I try to.Facing each other today I realize that she hasn't change that much from where she's been.
To top it off she must be on something if she think that I'm going to give her answers on stupid questions.What really got to me and made me tear up is sick.I knew what she meant when that statement was mad ( I see you have grown into a man but do you taste like one?..or do you still taste the same? ) If she is bold enough say some s*** like that to me than there's no telling what she might do.
I tried to be nice to her cause I thought that maybe was being too hard on her.She is our mom and that's a fact that can't be disputed and I almost flipped.I came close to letting my temper guide my thoughts but it wasn't worth it.
I have a lot that I need to say but I'm tired.I have been ripping and running the last few days.View Thread
The last couple of days have been tough for me.This is the first break I've had all day cause I've been sitting at the hospital.Stepped out for something to eat forgot about that out of all things. Thought I'll do that will my sister was asleep.
Heading to the elevator I had to turn a corner and walk pass the nurses desk.During that I heard my sister's name being mention and a women was standing there when I looked.So I walked up to the desk and inform them I don't know who this person is and not to let anyone in her room while I'm out.This person followed me outside demanding me to let her see M but I said no.
Okay it was a lie that I told the nurses but I didn't know what else to say.Truth is that women is the one that had us,different dads tho,I don't know who my father is.I last saw her when I was 23 and M was almost 5.I was set to be young ya know,start college,staying up on the weekends partying and things a person do at the age but had to put that on hold.I notice one day that her father was spending too much time with her more than usual that is.Thought he was doing the same things to her that he had done to me and he was.
I called him on and said I was going to turn him in.Never got a chance to pay for things he did cause he committed suicide.I figured she blamed me for it cause she left us.One day just dropped M off with me and never came back.I was lost for one I thought things like that only happened in the movies and I had no clue what to do after.I had no ends,I was barely taking care of myself.
It may not be right but it's how I feel.I had to bust my butt to make sure she had everything she needed,get to the doctors,school,clean clothes and food to eat.She didn't make to college but made sure she finished school period.I had to deal with the crying and nightmares during the night and there were times when I didn't feel like getting out of bed but I had someone depending on me.I knew If I didn't then it wouldn't have gotten done.So I asked her ( Mom) what rock she crawled from under hollering about her baby?...The baby you left is almost 30 now.
If it was just me then I would be okay with it but M was robbed of so much and I was really angry with her for just walking away like she didn't even know us.It wasn't my job to raise my sister but it was a choice I made.It was more than I could handle but God saw us through.I started praying every night and as time moved on I discovered that it can be done.God is awesome and recovery is so,so rewarding.I'm proud of the young women she has grown into despite not having a mother or father in her life.It took a long time but I was able to let go of the resentment,anger,disappointments,hatred and so much more.
For so many years nothing from her,no card ,phone call or a picture of her and to tell you the truth I really thought she was dead.I don't know how much of her M remember or anything but I am certain I don't want to lay this on M right now and don't want to bring her any more pain.I told her not to bother her either or I'll call the cops seriously.The most important thing right now is to keep her safe and she don't need a mother now.
Wow I forget how it felt to get things off your chest and it helps.Keeping everyone in my prayers and thoughts and a good nights sleep.View Thread
Glad you stopped in and nice to hear things are well with you.The place have been kinda still for a while now and wonder where did the people go?...A few are lurking as you say and the rest I just don't know.
Didn't get a chance to speak to her when I got in cause I was too tired.Just being back here is stirring things up so I'm trying to put them on the back burner for now.Also trying to come up with a way to approach her and get her to tell me what's going on.For one it's been some time now since we had deep conversation and two I realize she's not that same little girl I could get to tell me anything over ice cream and cookies.
She has grown up and in the last couple of months she has changed a whole lot.I just hope it's something I can help with really.It may take longer than I expect on this and my mind is drawing a blank.Any ideas cause I'll try anything,I just don't wanna be the bad guy here.Okay maybe we can go to the mall and check out the cute little stuff animals.
She has a back room with a lot of them.Maybe they have one that she'll like and I can get it for her.Getting out the house may help,I hope so.