I was abused by my father since I was at least 4 - 6or7 years old. there were 4 other sisters and one brother. Dad used sevre rage and intimidation to control me and I became very fearful of him. to this day the idea that I have done something to upset anyone brings me to my knees with fear and apologies.
My problem is that I have 2 younger sisters who tormented me as I was weak, introverted and umpopular.
I left home at the first opportunity at 19 yrs. old. None of my siblings have taken any time to inquire or show any interest as to why I left and after 40 years have no idea who I am or who I have become. My Mother is 86 and although the trips home over the years to see MOm, only proved to set my sisters against me even more as Each visit would inevitably be ienttwined with the strong desire to enjoy my Mother while dealing with the continued emotional abuse by my Father through rage and intimidation. I would seek refuge at one of my younger sisters homes where the other was often present and I would not be welcomed. I'd sit in her drive for hours wanting her to come out and comfort me and invite me in but only rage and rejection came form them.
Now I want to be part of my mothers plans for her aging and the sisters do not seem to want me to be part of the input. I want to work with them on my mothers behalf but I am being shut out. I have tried to express my desire to be in on the decision makeing and, through some pretty firm e-mails from the sister who is very contrlling, just like dad, it has been mede clear to me that she is not interested in any input from me. She's got it all figured out.
You see, I am hrmless but hold such rage towards both of them for never having the curtesy or kindness to ask me about what happened when the inevitable rage would rise up in dad and I ssek refuge with one of them. They have always simply decided that I am evil because I have, once again, upset their dear father and their disapproval of me has not let up through the years. dad died in March 2001 and the separation and judgement continues.
should I send an e-mail to each of them explaining whay I so feared dad and them and thus left home in 1974? Should I try and help them understand what makes me feel what I feel,( fear, distrust,) of them because things have never healed between us and everything reverts back to a behavior that is still embedded in me to this day.....to run, leave, avoid conflict and rage. I want them to accept me but I find it difficult to change. The instincts to run are too deeply embedded in me, its a defence mechanism. I'd love forgiveness and kindness from them. what happened years ago separates me from my family. they are where Mom is and I want to belong and be a part of their lives, welcomed and appreciated. But the idea of going home, I will be in October, terrifies me as they will be there lurking. Looking for cause instead of friendship. I wold love it if they saw me as an asset insstead of a troublemaker. I would love it if they ould accept me as I am for whatever reason. I fera they will choose not to beleive anything I say and the wall that is between us now, althought I feel is still penetrable, will become solid and and irreversable.
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