I hope your trip to see your sister is good. Too bad you have to fly in the middle of the night, so hopefully the plane won't be full and you can stretch out in a 3-seat row.
Me and DrB: Today's session was difficult as we reviewed my Borderline symptoms - wanting to be a child again, acting like a child, lack of patience with hubby, always thinking about suicide, etc. It was extremely difficult to stay present and not dissociate but I managed to stay with the conversation. yeah! A small victory for me. At the end of the session I told DrB that I felt like a child sitting through a lecture. He was kind and said that was not his intention at all. We both agreed that my next session will be DNMS focusing on my mother's hatefulness, to-do list making, not letting me have a childhood, etc. I told DrB that I am so tired of this. He said we are working on 48 years of abuse and it can't be solved 'overnight'. Ten and a half years of therapy with many ups and downs. Poor man. I'm sure he has nightmares about our sessions.
I feel down a lot but I try to get up in the morning and put on clothes for the day. I get a lot more done when I also wear tennis shoes. I'm trying to help myself but some days it's a huge tug of war.
Had a session with DrB today. It was a fairly good session and he kept me for an entire hour which was nice.
He asked my SI level and I told him 9. He asked my SI follow-through level and I told him 3. My writing assignment for this week is to write a letter beginning with "Dear Suicide".
I'm struggling to stay on an even level. My mood can change several times a day. DrB asked me to try to use my skills more. And then he reminded me that he has seen tremendous improvement since we started working together in April 2003. He reminded me of my blessings and said to keep pictures of my family around me.
I am hurting. I cried again at church this morning with my choir director holding me. I have nightmares every night. I hear people talking who aren't there. I have headaches that I can't get under control. I am tired all the time. I need to go inpatient but as always, timing is not good. I am beginning to resent so many trips. I want to stay home.
My heart pain is almost unbearable. I don't know what to do. The memories keep flooding me and they hurt.
I am going to lay down with my pink blanket. I hope I don't wake up.View Thread
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
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