I've had good sessions with DrB lately. That's the good news.
Albert's uncle passed away on the first of the month. We drove 13hours to attend the services. He was my favorite. I broke down at the visitation, funeral, and the burial.
The morning of the uncle's services, we received a phone call that my best friend's husband had died very unexpectedly. I didn't handle that very well. My heart hurts for her. His funeral was Monday and I spent a lot of time crying on Monday.
Then DrB called Monday afternoon and rescheduled our appointment for tomorrow. I usually go on Tuesday. Oh well...
So I go to the store this afternoon to tackle the August bookwork. Step one balances. Step two doesn't balance and I found several mistakes of mine. I give up and come home. At least I didn't fall apart like I usually do. I slept from 3:30 to 6:30.
I think all the driving and emotional issues have worn me out.
I hope your trip to see your sister is good. Too bad you have to fly in the middle of the night, so hopefully the plane won't be full and you can stretch out in a 3-seat row.
Me and DrB: Today's session was difficult as we reviewed my Borderline symptoms - wanting to be a child again, acting like a child, lack of patience with hubby, always thinking about suicide, etc. It was extremely difficult to stay present and not dissociate but I managed to stay with the conversation. yeah! A small victory for me. At the end of the session I told DrB that I felt like a child sitting through a lecture. He was kind and said that was not his intention at all. We both agreed that my next session will be DNMS focusing on my mother's hatefulness, to-do list making, not letting me have a childhood, etc. I told DrB that I am so tired of this. He said we are working on 48 years of abuse and it can't be solved 'overnight'. Ten and a half years of therapy with many ups and downs. Poor man. I'm sure he has nightmares about our sessions.
I feel down a lot but I try to get up in the morning and put on clothes for the day. I get a lot more done when I also wear tennis shoes. I'm trying to help myself but some days it's a huge tug of war.
Had a session with DrB today. It was a fairly good session and he kept me for an entire hour which was nice.
He asked my SI level and I told him 9. He asked my SI follow-through level and I told him 3. My writing assignment for this week is to write a letter beginning with "Dear Suicide".
I'm struggling to stay on an even level. My mood can change several times a day. DrB asked me to try to use my skills more. And then he reminded me that he has seen tremendous improvement since we started working together in April 2003. He reminded me of my blessings and said to keep pictures of my family around me.
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