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MarySings

Joined: 02/05/2010
My Story:
Caution!! This could be very triggering to read!
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My father sexually abused me from the age of 13months until I was 9 1/2. When I was four, the mother walked in on me and my father. I thought until that day, he had only been forcing oral sex and he was touching and sucking. I have since remembered that he tried intercourse a few times but it never worked.

On the day the mother walked in on us, she blew up. She kept me home from kindergarten the next day and used a banana to show me how it would feel to have intercourse. I bled profusely and missed a month of school. And for my 5th birthday, my father had intercourse with me. This continued several times a week because the mother never wanted to have sex with my father, so she would disappear with my younger sister and brother three evenings a week so my father could "love" me.

When the mother left my father she said it was because "he was an out of control alcoholic". No mention of the sexual abuse. They divorced when I was 10.

The mother's brother sexually abused me from the age of 10 until I was 13. A girl raped me when I was 12. A boy raped and sodomized me when I was 17. The mother physically, sexually, and emotional abused me while I was living with her. When I married at age 19, the emotional abuse never stopped until I had a breakdown at the age of 48 - December 28, 2002, 10am.

With the help of God, a wonderful husband, and psychologist (Dr.B), I have been working towards forgiveness towards all of my abusers. Now I fight the shame and deep depression that never seems to go away. My meds get changed, work for a month or two, and then my psychiatrist has to make adjustments.

My husband grew up with parents who loved him dearly but were not physical when showing their love for him.

When we married, we made a vow that our children would always know that they were loved. Both of our grown sons call home often, knowing that we always end the conversation with "I love you". One of our DILs asked why I always "goodbye, I love you" and I told her that if something happened to me, she could always remember my last words to her were "I love you".

I worked in Human Resources for a printing company for 25.5 years. I worked for the first year and a half after my breakdown until I started having a lot of problems with concentration and memory. I was put on paid medical leave for a year. About half way through the medical leave, I was called to my supervisor's office and told I was going to be retired. I was devistated and three days later I made my first suicide attempt.

I am very grateful that WebMD has many community boards. Many friends have been made here. The people on the SA Exchange are very loving and have helped me so many times when I wanted to give up. I found WebMD communities in the summer of 2003, when I was searching for information about the meds I was taking. I have never regreted being online on this website.

I have many diagnoses: severe depressive disorder, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, fibromyalgia, and others.

My favorite Bible verse is I Peter 5:7. My paraprased version is this:
Cast all your cares on God, because He loves you.

Latest Activity

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Update on me - talking about deaths
I've had good sessions with DrB lately. That's the good news. Albert's uncle passed...More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings
Reply: Molested but not sorry
Yes, you are wrong to think about anything sexual with your daughter. Please find a...More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings
Reply: Check 'em
I'll pray for you. I hope you're not on a wild goose chase. I also hope you can help your...More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings
Reply: Check 'em
I hope your trip to see your sister is good. Too bad you have to fly in the middle of the...More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings
Reply: What is wrong with me
Our pasts are nightmares to the outside world. We can't talk about our fears or explain...More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings
Reply: Say Hi
MAY TRIGGER MAY TRIGGER I'm here. Had a session with DrB today. It was a fairly...More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings
August Gratitude
8.17.2013 My emotions are much more positive this evening. We spent Friday evening...More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings
Reply: Chaos
Misty, I hope today (Thursday) is a good day. I understand your struggles to stay 'sane'....More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings
Reply: Sunday Afternoon Thoughts
Misty, thank you for your response. I don't know why I complained about the lack of...More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings
Reply: Sunday Afternoon Thoughts
It's nearly 11pm and I am waiting for exhaustion before I go to bed. Trying to avoid the...More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings