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MarySings

Joined: 02/05/2010
My Story:
Caution!! This could be very triggering to read!
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My father sexually abused me from the age of 13months until I was 9 1/2. When I was four, the mother walked in on me and my father. I thought until that day, he had only been forcing oral sex and he was touching and sucking. I have since remembered that he tried intercourse a few times but it never worked.

On the day the mother walked in on us, she blew up. She kept me home from kindergarten the next day and used a banana to show me how it would feel to have intercourse. I bled profusely and missed a month of school. And for my 5th birthday, my father had intercourse with me. This continued several times a week because the mother never wanted to have sex with my father, so she would disappear with my younger sister and brother three evenings a week so my father could "love" me.

When the mother left my father she said it was because "he was an out of control alcoholic". No mention of the sexual abuse. They divorced when I was 10.

The mother's brother sexually abused me from the age of 10 until I was 13. A girl raped me when I was 12. A boy raped and sodomized me when I was 17. The mother physically, sexually, and emotional abused me while I was living with her. When I married at age 19, the emotional abuse never stopped until I had a breakdown at the age of 48 - December 28, 2002, 10am.

With the help of God, a wonderful husband, and psychologist (Dr.B), I have been working towards forgiveness towards all of my abusers. Now I fight the shame and deep depression that never seems to go away. My meds get changed, work for a month or two, and then my psychiatrist has to make adjustments.

My husband grew up with parents who loved him dearly but were not physical when showing their love for him.

When we married, we made a vow that our children would always know that they were loved. Both of our grown sons call home often, knowing that we always end the conversation with "I love you". One of our DILs asked why I always "goodbye, I love you" and I told her that if something happened to me, she could always remember my last words to her were "I love you".

I worked in Human Resources for a printing company for 25.5 years. I worked for the first year and a half after my breakdown until I started having a lot of problems with concentration and memory. I was put on paid medical leave for a year. About half way through the medical leave, I was called to my supervisor's office and told I was going to be retired. I was devistated and three days later I made my first suicide attempt.

I am very grateful that WebMD has many community boards. Many friends have been made here. The people on the SA Exchange are very loving and have helped me so many times when I wanted to give up. I found WebMD communities in the summer of 2003, when I was searching for information about the meds I was taking. I have never regreted being online on this website.

I have many diagnoses: severe depressive disorder, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, fibromyalgia, and others.

My favorite Bible verse is I Peter 5:7. My paraprased version is this:
Cast all your cares on God, because He loves you.

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I have cried today
I don't know why the tears are coming. I suspect that my psych meds have stopped working....More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings
Reply: How Could You? I Didn't Do It To Y'all
Soulkeepers, you are so right that pain doesn't just go away. I am sorry that you feel...More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings
Reply: *********************WARNING>>>>>>>>>>>TRIGGERING*...
Mandy, this makes me incredibly sad. Have you thought of putting several dead bolts on...More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings
Reply: MARY & DDT
I still don't understand how everything got so far out of control. The issues between me,...More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings
Reply: DDT
I also want DD to return to this community. Your wisdom is unmatched. All of you are...More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings
Reply: MARY & DDT
I was so afraid that you attempted suicide successfully. I was angry with myself that I...More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings
Reply: Quiet Boat Ride
Is it all right if I join you? Little Mary and I need some much-needed rest. I'll bring...More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings
I can't do this anymore
I am sorry I hit reply instead of report and now have given my phone number to anyone who...More
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
Posted by marysings