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I was SA by a friend of my father's when I was 8. He watched us for a little while one day when my father went to get parts to fix a car. The crazy thing about that first incident was that I did not remember it. Not at all, until I was about 14 and thinking one day about how everything had started. I only remember being afraid of him after that, but not knowing why. I used to tell myself to "quit being dumb. There's nothing to be afraid of."
The most awful thing was that when I was 11, and my dad was once again laid off, we had to sell the house, and we moved to the largest apartment complex in the area. That man who had abused me when I was 8 lived there. (Sometimes I think only I could have luck that bad.) I played with his daughter. One day he invited me to play inside with his daughter. I went, not remembering what had happened in the past. That is when everything started. 2 times I tried to tell my father I did not want to go over there to play, but he did not listen to me. SOmetimes I still hate him for that. For 2 months or so, Sarah's dad SA me multiple times per week. Somehow I believed everything he said, and kept going to that house. I was terrified not to. It only stopped when my mom stopped working. She would never let me go over to a house where the only adult was a male non-relative.
Then, another man (uncle) used to stick his hands down my pants. That was just confusing.
Then, when I met my ex, my first boyfriend and first husband. The man who slowly took away the happiness I'd tried so hard to gain. The man who raped me when we were dating, though I lived in denial about that for a while. The man I knew by the look on his face that he would seriously hurt me or kill me one day. I left the day after I realized that.
Now, I am married to a wonderful man. I have 4 beautiful girls (the oldest is my ex's). I started doing great after I told my husband about my life. No depression for a year and a half, until I lost the baby. Now I seem to hate the world, though I don't. January and June are always rough, but the last year has been hard.
So now I come to the point in my life when I ust let people who are important to nme know what has happened. As the darkness is creeping in, and I cannot let it. I cannot go back to tha place where I was afraid all the time. So, I must talk.
The crazy part is that everything that happened when I was a child is really not what is botherint me. Not that it has no part in my life ever, but that it rests in the background, never a serious issue. I speant many years dealing with that, and am as close to being at peace with it as I ever will be.
I never dealth with the problems with my ex, so they tend to surround me often. I am still so angry with him and myself. Now, I must learn to move past that anger and learn to forgive him so that I can move on in the healing process. Even though I at times feel he doesn't deserve to be forgiven, that is not my decision. Eventually he will be held accountable for his life, and I must no concern myself with that.
Now I must forgive, so I can learn to let go of the anger and fear and be happy.