[Trigger] I really have no right coming here for help. I lurk here nearly every day but i rarely post anything and never feel like i am able to help other members. I apologize but i'm desperate now and believe that this is the only place where i can be understood.
Last thursday night i fell asleep while reading and was startled awake by a man pounding on my window and screaming that he wanted his wife. I called out to him that he had the wrong house but he moved over to my door and continued to pound and yell. i called 911 in a panic and told the dispatcher that someone was trying to break into my house. The call dropped and i had to call 911 back. The man actually did break down my door and enter my house before the police came. i struggled with him and was able to push him back out the door and then use my weight to try to keep him out. The police finally came and took him away but not before they scolded me for having a flimsy door and letting drug addicts live in my house. There is a vacant crack house right next to mine and there seems to be some confusion about where the drug addicts hang out. Actually the guy who broke in probably meant to go to the crack house.
I've been in bad shape ever since. I have huge problems with anxiety on a good day and now things are unbearable. i have a broken door which is only being held shut with a board and i can't sleep or eat without throwing up. I can barely function since i'm shaking so badly. My sister tried to help by hiring a carpenter to fix the door. He called today and asked if he could come over to my job to get the keys in order to fix the door. When i heard he needed to work from the inside of the house i panicked and refused to let him work. I know the door needs to be fixed, and i'm being stupid, but i can't let anyone in the house.
I can't think of any way to calm myself. Things have been so bad for years and i live in constant fear. I really just want to die and be done with this fear and pain. I have the dog to consider though. He was useless in this crisis, ran away and hid while i fought with the man, but i still love him and don't want to leave him. He's actually usually a mean dog and no one would adopt him. If i die he'll be put down.View Thread
Thank you for asking. The contractor is working on my house but it is taking him forever to close up that unsecured part.Right now the door is nailed shut . I'm still having a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. I've been trying to find a dr. close by to see me but haven't had much luck. I did have xrays on my arm which showed some trauma and bone spurs. I was given pain killers but they really don't help. I'm getting a bit desperate. I haven't had more then 2 or 3 hours of sleep in weeks. I actually fell asleep at my desk in work yesterday.View Thread
Thank you Mel. I eventually fall asleep with the help of a lot of Nyquil but every noise or weird smell wakes me up. Last night i woke up several times because i thought i heard someone pushing on the door or i smelled cigar smoke. This morning i realized that the dog's senses are much better and he slept through the night. I've taken to carrying my mom's rosary beads around. I'm not really religious but for some reason i find having them makes me feel safer. My mom died in 2009 and although i miss her so much i'm grateful that she never experienced anything like this in the house.View Thread
I'm very grateful for my family's support but i don't want to move. Today the contractor is working on my doors. I'm glad he is finally doing something but i'm very anxious about leaving him alone, with my keys, at the house. I could not take off from work today. i did try to secure the inner door and the dog is right behind it growling and barking. He asked to come into the house to see other areas that need work but i refused to let him.
Over the weekend i had xrays done. It was very hard for me because i don't like being touched by others. The tech said that i had to speak to my dr. but she did hint that my arm was injured. I'm sure it is because it's very painful to move it. I also tried to get an consult with a dr. who could treat my anxiety. I'm still working on this. The only one i could find who takes my insurance is too far away since i can't drive and have trouble with public transportation.View Thread
Thank you. What you say is very true. I'm feeling suicidal right now although i will not act on those feelings. I know it's said that it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem but that isn't always the case. I always feel depressed and on some level i'm always thinking about it. I have been afraid, and in pain, since i was a baby and i know it will never get any better in this life.View Thread
My sister and her husband will be flying here to help me later in the week. I thought the carpenter knew this and would not ask to fix the door until then.
My sister has been a great help to me since my mom died but she lives far away so it's tough for her to get to me. I haven't really looked into victim services. Since the intruder was really just a confused druggie and didn't have a weapon the police didn't really think it was a big deal. It's just that my own anxiety issues have made it seem huge to me.
I don't have a therapist although my sister has been trying to get me to see one. Everything just seems so hard. I guess that's what happens with depression. Everything just seems like too much of an effort, even seeking help. I do have dr but he tries to deal with my many medical problems, chf, diabetes, morbid obesity ect. He knows i have mental problems but says that any drugs he could offer would raise my blood sugar which is already out of control.
My sister really wants me to move to her town. I really don't want to because it would mean giving up my job and being dependent on her . My house is a falling down hovel but it is mine, and full of my stuff, and i love it. I love my job too even though it doesn't pay much. One good thing about living in the city is that i can get around by myself on public transportation. I don't drive (legally blind) and living in her town would mean having to depend of others for everything.View Thread
I always thought i remembered everything that was done to me as kid but i'm starting to doubt this. I'm suddenly having vivid, intense flashbacks about things that are not part of my old memories. They can come at any time but most seem to be at night. I have a really hard time falling asleep, usually can't until 5 or 6 in the morning, and i've been having a hard time getting up for work. I'm having nightmares too. I don't understand why this is happening. I can't think of anything that might be triggering it and i'm very worried.View Thread
Yes, I know it still hurts. I was just thinking about something that happened years ago. I went to a girl friends wedding and sat at a table with a bunch of women i didn't know. They were all "work friends" of the bride. They spent the whole day saying really awful, mean things about her. They all seemed to feel that she was way too fat and ugly to have snared a prize like her new husband. I guess he was the guy in the office everyone wanted and they were all jealous. They totally ignored me, never even said hello, and i was too shy to speak up or defend my friend. I'm sorry i didn't say something.
I'm sure that these women all lacked something basic. They couldn't even enjoy a nice night out with friends. It's was a sad thing to witness. Years have passed and i'm sure they're even more unhappy and bitter now.View Thread
Sorry that you've experienced this. I'm fat so i tend to get a lot of abuse from total strangers which makes no sense to me. These people seem to really hate me for no reason i can understand. I'm pretty sure mean people are broken in some way. It's actually kind of sad. Imagine always feeling so angry and full of hate.View Thread
I wish i could offer some good advice but i've never figured this problem out myself. The abuser was my grandfather in my case and the abuse went on from when i was an infant until the age of around 14. I was always so afraid that my father would find out about what his dad was doing . I was an adult before i told my mother and she refused to believe me. I never spoke to my dad at all. Looking back, now that both parents are dead, i realize that they knew about the abuse all along. The whole family knew. It's possible that your father knows and like my parents just can't face the truth.View Thread
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