I recently got out of a long relationship at the end of last year. I was trying to focus on school and work and my kids and let love find me when the time was right. Relationships never really work out well for me and I have had a pretty bad string of them in the past. So anyways, I meet this guy who totally charms me right off my feet. That was Feb. Things were going pretty good. Being as independent as I am and not having a long time since my last relationship, I was ok with the way things were progressing. Fast forward to April. I have a pap and ask for a routine STD test. I find out I have HSV2. I was devastated. Don't let me lie, I still am. It is eating me away from the inside out. I tried to talk to my "boyfriend" about it. I thought things were going to get better and progress more with us. Now I see they are just staying the same.
I care for him a lot. Things are so comfortable when we are together. Sometimes though I am not sure when we are apart what he is doing, thinking, etc. I feel like we are becoming divided. I told him this as well.... to be honest I'd feel better about the whole thing if I knew that it was gonna be just me and him in for the LONG haul. He said then he was but now I don't think he is. Not only is it our relationship issues that are bothering me, but I am starting to resent him for giving me this disease. I feel dirty and I blame him. I also blame myself which is killing me because I have always been my own worst enemy. I am beating myself up daily over this. The thought of finding a good respectable man, and then telling him all my baggage, and then laying the biggest bomb of them all with the HSV2+ news on him literally makes me sick to my stomach.
Last week he asked me if I would ever have a threesome with him. I wanted to punch him in his face. Not because of the threesome necessarily because we like to be open and explore in the bedroom. All I can think about is how ashamed I would be to have to tell someone I might want to start a relationship with that I have HSV2. I cry myself to sleep more and more over the situation. How could he not even think about it??? I have a friend who is bisexual who has said on multiple occasions she would like to be intimate with me even if just once and she's also willing to try anything. Honestly, I've thought about it and had mentioned this to my "boyfriend" before the whole HSV thing came about. But how could he even think that I would want to do that with her now? "Oh hey remember that offer you put out there?? Well yea how about you have a threesome with me and my man, o but wait BTW we have HSV2 so you might get that too...."
I need to move on and put this in my past but I can't. I don't know why I am so afraid of losing my "boyfriend". Deep down I think I know that it isn't meant to be. At the same time though I know we could be so great together if he would get over some of his past and let the walls down. I feel like he thinks I'm going to react like all the other crazy women in his life. I am nothing like them and I can't believe that after so many months he can't remember that. We've had multiple things come up to test our relationship and he always thanks me for responding so coolly and talking things through and not flipping out and and assuming the worst but listening to his side of things.
I feel like we can't talk about the important stuff much anymore. I'm not one to tip-toe around conversations but I have lately, so perhaps its my fault that I am not bringing up some of these issues. I am really good at bottling things up and then I try to let them come out in a productive way but it can tend to all come falling out in ways I haven't intended. I'm not sure how to bring up how I am feeling and to let him know how much this is eating away at me. I haven't told ANYONE. Not even my best friend. I am too embarrassed. I honestly can't believe I am on here just pouring my heart out, but at this point I need someone to talk to before I go crazy.View Thread
Yes I got The HSV2 from my current boyfriend. I was tested several months after I left my ex and then retested again (by a blood test, not just pap) after being with this man. He does not have health insurance and doesn't get routine checks on anything as often as I do. He had no idea that he was positive with HSV2. After I told him he went and got tested.
The financial issues are the reason I haven't gone to talk to someone professionally yet. I know that it is important but it is hard to justify paying that bill if others aren't paid first.View Thread
Thank you for your reply. I think talking to someone professionally could help. Like you said, if I am not at peace now then what can it hurt? Perhaps it can help me work through some of the other issues that are going on in my life as well.
I have no symptoms at all which tortures me in a way. I am grateful that I don't have symptoms reminding me of it, but it also just feeds my disbelief in the situation harder to handle.
I am never good at talking things out. I have always been better at writing. I wrote my boyfriend a letter last night and told him everything, about how I was feeling and how much I needed to talk to him about it. Hopefully this helps bridge our gap. Knowing I am not alone helps. Being able to reach out to him and to people here is a big step for me. I think once I can be comfortable to talk about it, the emotional anguish will start to heal.View Thread