No, I'm aware of the cheating aspect, too. From what I've gathered, men often didn't see it as cheating but saw it as satisfying a special need that their wives cannot satisfy even if they tried, for obvious reasons.
I would think that if a man cheats with another woman, that his wife, besides having overwhelming feelings of hurt and betrayal, might also angrily think that she can (or could) give him what he wants so he doesn't have to cheat. I've seen cheating victims state this. Every relationship is different but that's a common reaction. But when the cheating by the husband is with another man, then there's nothing she can do to compete with that.View Thread
That's a great story! I too had a same-sex, kinky exploratory thing at age 12-13 and those thoughts have always lingered with me, too. I don't know if that experience made me somewhat bisexual or if I would have bisexual thoughts anyway. I'm glad it's working for you and your story gives me optimism. Are you still married and having sex with your wife?View Thread
It's not BS at all, Rhonda. Sex is a different psychological act for men than it is for women, in many ways.
I would say 48 dates should take place before a woman has sex. Okay, I'm kidding! But I hope you see my point about sex on the first date. It would also seem that sex is more than just sex for a woman who wants to jump in the sack on the first date, like she is using it to make up for other problems or she is seeking reassurance too much, or she is afraid of being abandoned or something. The amazingness of the sex doesn't make up for that: the risk is still there and perceived by the man.
I suppose there are sub-cultures, places and age groups where one-night stands are common. It happens, and if that's your thing, then that's your thing. Many men will simply take what they can get, especially if they're young and in college. It's costly, tiresome and frustrating to keep hunting.
But in the course of "normal" relationships (whatever that means---"average" young adults I guess), I would say sex on the third or fourth date if you really hit it off. Possibly as late as the 6th or 7th. If one is seeking a serious or long-term relationship and sex has NOT occurred by about the 6th or 7th date, then I'd be suspicious of that too. Maybe the girl has other issues like fear of sex or intimacy, or is using religion as her neurosis or some other problem. And that's in the normal, average course of relationships. In some situations a "date" might mean a brief meeting or a lunch date because that's all you have time for, in which case you still need more time to get into the relationship.
A problem I've had in the past, and this might be a problem for you from the urgent tone of your post, is that one wants to cement the relationship or take it to the next level beyond casual dating, but there's the need to act quickly or else lose the other person because of travel, school, or whatever. So it's a gamble sometimes: the stages of the relationship are on course, but the timing may be a little rushed. You risk losing them if you make the next move and risk losing them if you don't. Yes, Rhonda, men have these problems and not just women!View Thread
If his sex drive is low, then you initiating sex out of the blue will probably not help.
It's hard to say what his issue might be. It could be low testosterone but this is unlikely given his age. I don't know, but it could be that he has a mental 'script' of how sex should be and how it should go. For him to deviate from that would make him feel awkward or ashamed, or at a loss for what exactly to do.
I suggest that in a non-sexual time and place, perhaps when you're out together in the car or something, mention that you would like more sexual variety in your life together. It might help to say that you don't even know what other sexual acts or positions or scenarios you would want, but you just want some new things. You could then try an exercise that I've found to be thrilling: each of you write down a list of sexual activities, scenarios, etc. that you fantasize about or are curious about, then agree to later share your lists with each other. The rules should be that it doesn't mean you'd have to act them out with each other (but if you both have a common fantasy, well then there should be sparks). And no negative judgements allowed. You could even rate each others' items on a scale of desirability. A variation of that is to watch pornography regularly together (or separately, and compare notes). Just seeing others doing sexual things----any thing sexually----increases the libido in many people. It sounds like he might be inhibited and needs help to get un-inhibited with you. There are times when I've engaged in conventional sex while thinking of something else totally kinky. Giving him "permission" to be kinky, or out-of-'script' if you will, could be a big relief for him. I've discussed kinky sexual fantasies with a partner and just talking about them can be hugely arousing. It was a reassurance to my partner to see me aroused; she then knew my sometimes lack of desire wasn't because of her.
And I applaud you for being sensitive to his feelings and his pride. He has self-esteem too and being sexually rejected for non-performance is an esteem-killer. Men have to 'perform' more in sex than women do. Who knows, maybe he has fantasies of being passive and being dominated!
And there's nothing wrong with asking him to help you masturbate with a dildo or something, even if he doesn't get sexually aroused.
And your "other issue" of you resenting him for wanting you to be sexually ready whenever he (finally) is, could be the issue. Maybe you two should plan and set aside times for sex. The more you do it the easier it comes. And to take the pressure off, perhaps make these times just mutual nudity and/or pornography times where sex is optional. Less scripting, more spontaneity. It might help to make things so that one of you can be sexual (i.e., masturbation) while the other is not, without demands or guilt.View Thread
I don't know if your post is genuine or you're just posting this to get off. I know in the state where I live, massage therapists have to be licensed and are not allowed to touch the genitalia. But "massage" is often a euphemism for sex so maybe she is a sex worker, or used to be or wants to be, even if she is a licensed masseuse.View Thread
I would feel that she is too much of a risk to enter into a sincere or potentially long-term relationship with. That's because she jumps in the sack too quickly. If she slept with me almost immediately, then how could I possibly know that she was totally my type (or I hers), or completely into me when she's only been around me for a few hours in total? If she believed that then she's shallow and doesn't really know people like she claims she does.
Few men would refuse sex if it's offered to them eagerly but therein lies the problem: I couldn't trust her to not be eager with some other guy after meeting him for an hour either.View Thread
I don't know, but maybe you're trying too hard. Or maybe you're doing all the "right" moves and trying not to try too hard, or to be too obvious, that you want a relationship.
I'm guessing that you had a cold, troubled childhood and did not have a good, warm relationship with your mother. Maybe there was not a proper male to whom you could look up to either and be a role model for you. This may have left a big emotional gap in your life that you are trying to fill with a relationship. In other words a relationship is "everything" to you and a casual relationship is not possible. It's all or nothing.
This may sound odd and counter-intuitive, but try being less of a "nice guy". For some strange reason, even women who want relationships don't want to be involved with a man who "needs" a relationship. Maybe your need shines through too much and they see it as a lack of confidence in yourself or intuit that you don't know what you want (besides wanting a woman to want you). I'm still inexperienced with women, and there are many more 'types' of women than there are men so they're impossible to predict or understand. But it seems as a general rule that if you know what you want (in life AND in a woman), women feel more comfortable with that and are attracted to it because (if they fit) they can feel like they're wanted and meet expectations, without having to do anything on their own (such as want you). This may or may not be your problem; I don't know. If you had tons of money you would have no trouble attracting women no matter what personality problems you might have. I hope this helps.View Thread
He should see a doctor if he thinks there's a problem. If he doesn't think there's any kind of problem, obviously you DO think there's a problem and him not seeing it (or not facing it) is a problem in itself, in which case couples therapy or other therapy might be called for.
My intuition tells me it's a relationship issue. Why do I think this? Because you are very upset over it, you post in bold type, and you seem almost hysterical. This suggests to me that you are putting a lot of pressure on him to get erect and "perform" for you during sex---which might be the very thing stressing him out of a satisfying sexual encounter with you.
Relax! Let him be what he is. If he doesn't cum with you or in you, it doesn't mean he doesn't like you. It's possible he has some sexual fantasies or turn-ons that he prefers to do, that he's embarrassed about doing with you or telling you about. If he hasn't been intimate with a woman very much until now, then he's probably been masturbating to whatever turns him on for years. It can be difficult for a male to relinquish the personal rhythm, friction and fantasies that he's used to and engage in a very different kind of sex where he's dependent on your rhythm and your ways of doing things. I'm sure he senses your worry and impatience and experiences it as a demand, which can certainly cause a loss of erection. He might not even be aware that your impatience is because you feel fearful of being unwanted if he doesn't sexually perform (if indeed that's true).
Try some exercises where you each write down sexual fantasies you have (or are curious about) and then share your lists with each other. If they're impractical to do or a true turn-off for one of you, then try watching them on porn together, or just let him masturbate once in a while. There's a huge range of human sexual behavior and preferences. You just need to find some sexual common ground.View Thread
One more point in my very long reply here: If your wife is understanding and okay with it, I don't think occasional male-to-male sexual activity would hurt your marriage. I doubt it would even affect the frequency of sex with your wife. But from what I've seen on other websites where men confess such relationships to their wives, the wives are sometimes jealous and sometimes feel helplessly inadequate because they cannot compete with the 'other' sex partner because he's male and she's not.
But I wonder if sometimes women unconsciously know that their man has bisexual tendencies and they sort of like it, even if this has not been directly talked about. I don't know. Some women are turned on by men acting that way and most women appear to know (and don't mind being around) gay men. And I'm amazed and shocked that women go to see male strippers. Women can have wild fantasies too although I think most people have a mental picture of what they want their married life to be like and want to settle down into that. Some fantasies are best left as fantasies because they cannot be acted out in a practical way.
The cultural "norms" that we have now --- which are in flux --- do not always match psychological reality about how people react and feel about sex. But I re-iterate: don't let the gay pride people be your voice or conscience. You don't have to let them speak for you.View Thread
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