reading over our last talks: what would make me smile? First thing that came to mind, was me riding a beautiful red quarter horse, down a pretty grassy lane, wityh dogwood trees lining it, all in bloom, beautiful spring day. Beautiful weather, warm, but cool enough for a jacket. The feel and smell of the horse, the way the horse has to suddenly stop to eat some winter wheat just spotted. The way the horse mane sways to and fro, the feel of the cool breeze on my cheeks. I would like to have a noce thick blanket to lay out on, I can feel the warm spring sun on my hair and back as I eat a few bites. I love that feeling. I love being alone, and it would be great alone, but even better with froends that truly loved it too. Friends that enjoyed not too much chatting but really really enjoyed the smells, feels, trees in bloom. Would be a dream come true with a man that wanted to be there, and would wish to be no where but there with me.View Thread
Hey Guard, Yes I am still here, havent checked out this site in awhile, with all the crap taht went down, and Ive been busy at work and the kids. I have been trying to find another job and new town to move to, marriage still is the pits, husband is mean, I cant leave him safely unless i move, and divorce him later. I've just been stripped of myself: I admit I am to blame too, I should never have spoiled him, done it all, and been everyone to everybody, but I did, and that's what i thought I was suppossed to do. I am now finding myself, sad that i do not have a loving companion, an affectionate one, or one that teaches the kids the way to be. I'm just sad and broken when I think about my life. I look every 2 days for a job. How have you been? How is your daughter?View Thread
Hey man, well i'v ebeen busy too work, kids, and yes Hay..been so dry here, the next cutting may be "iffy". Oh well, not much i can do anbout that. Life at home is pretty much the same, DH and I have talked, he's not been so scary, mean or hateful, but actually tries to talk like an adult. He asked me this past weekend what we would do with the house and land.. we have other land/houses, and i told him taht what was his b4 the marrage, i think he should keep, and use that money to buy him a house, and my stuff prior to marrage would be mine.. we agree that i should keep our current home, since the kids will be with me.. he still NEER loves on me, and frankly when he does, it makes my skin crawl. He mopped the kitchen floor, first time in the new/big house since we moved in, 4 yrs ago. He has washed dishes a few time, this type of help, usually last a few days, then same ole same ole. The real him, is the man that ive been with 20 yrs, not this man trying to act like he's affectionate or a help mate. My feelings have just gone out to see. I hate going home, and i want a divorce. I can not for the life of me, actually tell him that yet. It hurts the very core of my being that i actually woke up, and started thinking of myself and realizing that he was not helping me to feel good, not helping w/ house, not giving me the things that i asked for for 20 yrs.. its really a sad sad situation. How are you doing?View Thread
Good Morning Guard:: I am here,, getting busy at work. Cant believe baby girl is 19, and i think you made a great call: its time she realize that money doesnt grow in daddy's pocket. PLUS she's at a great age to start making her own, budgeting, and also when she finds a man to marry and settle down, she will be greatly dissappointed if his money isn't so freely given out as dear old daddy's. And you knwo that i know all about giving to others instead of ourselves. I love my children, and would easily take all of their pain, hurt, and of course walk through fire for them,, but the basic everyday things that i have done to spoil them, but things that they could have learned to do themselves, have made me sort of loose myself. It seems like "me" has been forgotten, i feel like i'm just wasting air that i breathe, and just like wind, just blowing around aimlesly, no real purpose... your right, husband was super happy, he had a good looking wife that catered to his every need,, i just wished he would have at least in all of these years cared enough to see that he could have met me 1/2 way.. he says he would have if i had told him it would end like this::: WTH! I didnt know! i'm just so sad, shallow, and heart broken. I went to bed at 8:30 last night b/c i was depressed and wanted the day over with, i layed in bed crying and praying that the Lord would just take me, since i feel so lost, and guide me to make the best decisions for all of us.. its just SO extremely hard to turn it allover to him, even tho i know he will protect me. thanks so much- it helps having a real friend, and someone to talk to, and you help me! i'm 3 hours north of Jackson Miss..View Thread
yes, i think you are SO correct. as it is now, i dont get real enjoyment from my cup of hot coffee in my hand while i sit outside in the mornings before everyone else gets up. Dont feel the enjoyment from sittingoutside on a hay bale at night, watching the moon and stars and planes, with a cool brew in my hand, love being all alone in the great outdoors, but its just not there anymore.. its my heart, my heart is aching and totally sad inside. Until i get that happiness within myself back, i know my life will just not work. I can forgive my husband, i know that he never meant to do it, BUT my main issue is my restntment and feelings for him have just changed. My mother told me that once those feelings are gone, she thinks they are just gone... i dont know! Would love to leave for a while, just for me, but that's not possible with kids, work, etc.. and Ohio is so far for this Mississippi girl. Husband has been resisting counseling, we have always been very private, but i know a preacher that doesn't live here, doesnt know us, family, etc.. he would be perfect.. I definetely agree and now i know the feeling of spreading yourself too thin, or burning candle at both ends- i feel like i have nothing left to give anyone. I snap at the kids, and just not enjoying the simple things that have always made me happy. Life is indeed short, husband has a way of always telling me this is my fault, i'm destroying everything, etc... i dont have the answers, and i know that no one can tell me what to do, i just feel bad and so lonely, and it halps to talk about it, maybe someone understands. 5 years ago, i never would have imagined this is what would have come of my life. shambles it appears. How is your daughter? isnt she about sweet 16 now??View Thread
your correct.. ive lived my whole life and tried to please everyone, parents, siblings, boyfriend, husband and kids.. ive always wanted to be the perfect mother and wife: and i guess that meant that i make their life as carefree as i possibly could. I know that i have spoiled them, know that i made him rotten: i ould give anything to go back, and i know that some men would not have let me make not only a fool of myself, but not have let me be a slave, nor would they have notchipped in and just helped me a little over the years. I mean, did he actually think my mind and body could go on forever this way?? and what type of person see's someone struggling to get a job done, and they never get up and help them?? I used to like riding horses. I really like my house being clean, gardening, flowers, biird watching, walking and excercising, Im really easy to please, and can be happy doing nothing- and for the first time in my life, i am depressed, and i hate it! I cant stand this corner that i am in, and hate the unknowns! thanks Guard.View Thread
would not care either.. sometimes i look at porn at work, free wi fi, great perk.. haha. and i cant wait to get home.. it could be as harmless as my situation, or he could be getting a little turned on by a sexy skirt, or he could just be thinking about you, how much he loves you and the last time you had sex, and it got his mojo going.. enjoy it!! trust me, life can get pretty harsh, this is nothing to concern yourself with...View Thread
THANKS Guard, yes it does help that you remember me, and it just makes me feel better that im not alone., He tries to do a few things, like he will pick up his dirty clothes at least once a week,, i'm so sick of asking him to do common sense stuff that i could scream, he's like another child.. i'm sick and tired of trying to get him to meet me 1/2 way and just grow up and pull his weight.. He's still not loving, he's pissed that i am going through this, blames it all on me for coming to the realization that ive been screwed, and he says that i will destroy the family. At this point, i feel like i will destroy the family by being unhappy and miserable and not close to my husband. I know he loves me, but I dont "feel" it, does that make sense? I do feel lost and numb and helpless.. I feel like my head is about to explode from the stress, and the kids are needy and yet its all me, he never raises a hand to help them,, i feel so overwhelmed. No, i have never never had ME time, and I have spend all of my reserves and i now feel bancrupt.. feel as tho ME never gets to shine through...View Thread
HAY, Guard,, remember me, I recall the butterflies in your HAY. I had to change some stuff, but any way, its me. I guess i just needed someone that o know and trust on here, FCL is here at times, and she too helps, dont know if she knows me. I will try, here goes. I have alway had one of THE most perfect marriages, loved my SO very very much.. about a year ago, i realized that it was me, being all that made the relationship work, it was me doing all of the work, me being sexual, me taking care of house, farm, kids, me being affectionate, etc.. i feel as tho i have gotten the shaft over 20 years, as i have realized all that was missing in our marriage, its been missing all along, BUT i sudenlt realized it last year. I have told him, we've spent over a yr talking about it, and he's devastated. I;m never happy at home anymore, not happy to see him, and dont want him to touch me. My feelings have just changed. After many years of doing it all, and all ive asked for was sex, compliments, and affection, and just some freaking help at the house, and i realized that still i get nothing. I am resentful and broken. I cant see myself going on for another 20 years like this. I'm just very unhappy, and i have lost feelings for him,, i just see that he's not affectionate or loving, and over many many years this has hurt me for a long time. he's not loving, its always been me initiating sex, holding his hands, hugging him while he keeps his hands at his side... ive been very confused and hurt so bad that i cry about once a week. i'm devastated that i feel like this: i actually wish i could go back to the way i used to feel when i was under a bushell. Ive been so busy with my education, work, kids, family, and always tried to do right, be perfect, very accomidating in every way to everyone but myself:: now i feel like i'm being selfish to think about me, but it is what it is, LUV is here and im sad and feel helpless, and hate the thought of being single, but i feel so dang lonely.. its hard feeling lonely when hes right beside me. help meView Thread
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