i am so sorry about your husband's death, and i think it is outrageous that you cannot get anyone at the VA to answer your Qs about his medical care. i did a search on webMD to see if i could find an exchange that might address your Qs, but i couldn't find anything that seemed relevant.
what i suggest is that you talk with a lawyer about whether there might have been medical malpractice in your husband's case. altho you can find many negligence lawyers under the listings for "personal injury lawyers" in the yellow pages, you really want to find someone who specializes in medical malpractice.
to do that, you might want to contact the bar association for your state. look for a website under "whatever-your-state-is bar association"; you might also find it thru the website for your state's supreme court.
practically all bar associations have a lawyer referral service. the referral service is only a listing of all lawyers in the state by self-defined specialty, it is not a prescreened list of the best lawyers for each type of legal work. however, i hope that it will get you to lawyers who specialize in medical malpractice.
many medical malpractice lawyers will take a case under an arrangement where you do not have to pay unless they/you win (a "contingency fee"). regardless of whether you end up having to sue to get the info you want about your husband's care, it would definitely be worth your time to have someone evaluate your concerns and to help you get whatever info you can from the VA.
i hope that you can find some help. the facts as you state them certainly raise competence issues in my mind.
one other suggestion -- if you go to the alphabetical-categories-of-exchanges page, http://exchanges.webmd.com/default.htm , and click on "P," you will see the "parenting" category, where many other parenting-related exchanges are listed. several of these include topics of interest to the parents of seven-month-old babies (there are so many that i thought a list here might be too overwhelming!).
the national sleep foundation has on-line forums at http://sleepfoundation.ning.com . on the orange bar across the top of the page, click on "on-line community," then on "pillow talk" on the next page.